Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Never creepy 😉 ill be honest, most days i check in hourly when i get the chance so at worst, we are creepy together lol. \

Sorry, ive been rig moving today. Ill post properly when i get to camp.

[Richie01]

Hey,

Nothing left to say, I love that song. Has a real depth about it, I’m listening to it right now 🙂

talking about it once is huge progress C, look back a few years. You wanted to talk about it or at least you wanted it to stop being so consuming but you didn’t ever know how, even if you did do you think you could have? It’s something that has to come from a place that most people luckily never have to see and experience the fear and worthlessness that the feelings that hide there bring. You overcame that, even once is bloody amazing. Don’t stress that you couldn’t get there today, just remember you got there once and one day you’ll be ready to go there again, you can try to force it but it’ll happen at the right time by itself. It did for me but I can’t do it when I plan to, it doesn’t work like that, some days it’s just not something that is possible and today was one of those days for you. You’ll have days where it is and chose not to, days where you want to but have no one who you feel comfortable telling. I see the merit in exposure therapy but I also know that our walls have grown so strong that breaking them isn’t an easy task. One day at a time 🙂 C. I’ll have your back for every single one of them.

I don’t think you rely on our chats C, I think you have a place where you can say the things that you havnt been able to, to express yourself in the way you deserve to. We have a place here where who we have become due to our past isn’t something to hide, isn’t something to feel shame and fear of or to hold us back. You don’t rely on what we share C, you have a place where you can free the voice that is trapped within our minds walls. The one your hearing right now. We over think and over analyse, so why don’t we when we talk? I don’t see it as a forum, I see it as a place where we talk. This is two friends being friends who have known each other for thirty years before they ever met. I just get everything you try to explain.

I’d answer a call from you any hr of the day C, for now, post any moment you need to, I’ll be here as soon as I can. That’s what friends do 🙂

I hope your feeling a bit more relaxed after the day you’ve had. I’m so proud of you C, this journey is showing just how strong you are weather you see it or not 😊

Imagine dragons 30 lives. have you heard it? I can’t I hear it. Wow

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
Feeling wrecked but im ok. Spent some time of the treadmill and ended the day with a hot bath watching metal detecting and gold prospecting videos on YouTube - yep, I know - im a bit random!
I feel really lucky that we happened to be on here at the same time and that I stumbled across your post. This friendship is pretty special and I am completely utterly and totally grateful for it. To have the real understanding of someone else who lives this every day is priceless.
I haven't listened to it but i added it my playlist for tomorrow, thanks for the inspo.
C.

[Richie01]

Get some sleep C, you’ve had a massive day and you deserve a break. Love the gold prospecting lol. Doesn’t make you random, maybe you just like watching people searching and finding what they’re looking for.... or maybe you just like gold 😆

Im grateful too, I know it’s not a really conventional sort of thing but what the hell is these days? As long as it’s a positive for you and you know it’s as important to me as it is to you, then it will always be worth it.

talk to you soon, please just relax, your working so hard to get through this and I know how exhausted you are getting. Take it easy and remember, take the time to smile, your worth so much more than you allow yourself to see. I’m always here, no exceptions.

Richie

[Catie 08]

Today I am feeling broken. I don't feel like I'm being hard on myself but I feel like something in me actually broke (im not sure if I even understand it).
I know that my reaction to therapy was unexpected, maybe it's the realisation that I'm really not in control??
I have been facing this head on at 100mph for months, maybe I need to take a break?? Maybe a break will make me feel worse??? What is right??? I just don't know. I know I'm being needy - I think I need some tough love and for something or someone to just snap me out of it.
Bloody work... I work to pay for therapy but all I want to do is curl up in bed and not work... such a vicious cycle.
😖

[Richie01]

Hey,

This is hard C. There is no sugar coating it. I hate that i cant give you a call and just listen to anything you want to talk about, today though, we have this. The broken feeling.... I could go into detail about the times i have felt that but i wont, ill say instead that it will pass. Its so unfair that you have to deal with this in the way we do. You are not being needy, there is no right or wrong, there is just a series of choices that we make and we do our best to make the ones that are best for us. Dont take a break from moving forward, maybe just take a step back and take a break from pushing yourself so hard. I have had to, my goals remain strong but taking the time to really feel through this is just as important as reaching where you picture yourself at the end of the journey. I wish i could take away the pain C, I really do. Im here no matter what ok, i wont let you be alone in the thoughts you hold back from everyone, those thoughts are the ones we need someone to understand and i really do know just how hard it is to face those but know youll be facing them with someone who knows the thoughts and will never see them as something negative about you. Ever!!!

You are not a burden, you do not deserve to face this alone, you are not broken. You are the woman who changed the way i saw myself and has shown me nothing but care and support. You have shown me a truth in life that i always doubted, the ability to be understood as the person behind my mask. I know im repeating here but i wont let you be alone in this. I know thats a hard thing to accept, especially today but in the nicest way of showing tough love, shut up and accept it 🙂 Im here and ill be here for anything.

I know its not easy, needing to work not only to pay for life in general but to keep paying for everything we have been through. When all you want is to curl up, to take time to do what we need even if no one else gets it. Its frustrating, god i get it C, to add insult to injury, we have to pay people to listen to us because we struggle to speak freely about whats going on within us.

Not understanding how we feel is strange to us, we are so good at knowing us so that we can hide us! To not understand takes away our comfort zone, i know that feeling broken comes with this. Lets just keep chatting and see if we cant find that again for you ok😊

Ill be here C.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Today's music inspo... disturbed's version of the sound of silence...
On repeat...
You know it's loud when the mirrors in the car shake 🧘‍♀️

[Richie01]

Good choice 😉

Bring on 3pm!!! not long now. Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Funny story, I went for a run this morning at like 330. Wasnt till i got like a k from camp that i realized i wasnt wearing shorts and was just briefing it 😂. Need to do up a checklist for that hr of the day. Who knew.

Have a good day C, hope the lack of my basic ability to dress myself gives you something to smile about 🙂

Snow patrol - run. I have a whole new take on this song now. Completely different emotions when i hear this now. Funny how things can change.

[Catie 08]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OMG, I have tears - that is GOLD!!!
Day made!!🤣

[Richie01]

Thought youd get a laugh 😁

I cant believe the mentality of some people. My idiot leasehand has started to call me microsoft instead of Bill. OMG!!!! I dont really like to make anyone feel dumb but im going to have to make an exception for him i think.We all have a joke but hes that guy who just annoys everyone unfortunately. Hes only been here for a week and he thinks its a good idea to irritate the rig manager every five minutes. Good career move buddy!!!

Hows the office treating you today? I miss fridays, i do remember them dragging on tho.

Hope all is going well,.

Richard