Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

I have seriously been laughing about it all day so thank you for having a senior moment, it's just what I needed 😊 Didn't you get busted? or is that just a QLD thing and it's acceptable to go out in your briefs? I tell you what, if you were down here there is not a chance in hell you would forget your clothing. Temperatures in the negatives and ice everywhere at that time of day. We are just about to have our shortest day of the year (only 9 hours of daylight☹). The saying is.. "when the days lengthen the cold strengthens", something to look forward to - not! The count down to spring begins.
Work was ok, I spend a lot of time on the phone to customers. I had an old guy on the phone swearing at me but I had him purring like a pussy cat by the end of the call - im that good lol
Your new leasehand doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the knife block. Just think, not long now before you can have a break from him.
Talk soon
C.

[Richie01]

So 10pm and I’m finally back at camp! Gotta love long days. My leasehand makes the spoon look sharp! I had a 1 on 1 with him this afternoon and just discussed It with him in a real attempt to get him to settle down. Just explained that we like him and he does a good job, we just need him to chill out a bit and realise that it’s hard enough being away from your home / family without getting frustrated with someone who is constantly pushing everyone’s buttons. I thought he mightn’t have realised. He was really receptive and that was great. Then as he left my office he said “good talk bill Let’s do it again some time” 🤦‍♂️ I honestly believe now that some people are actually oxygen thieves!!! Going on break is a bit too daunting right now to focus on but I’ve found a reason to look forward to it now, some Pearce free time!

ha, I didn’t get busted, I snuck back into camp unnoticed. We are in the middle of nowhere so not too many people around luckily. It was 4 degrees so it was pretty cool, not your cool but definitely cool for here.
you must be good if you can turn the mood of the conversation like that! I think we have that in common. If only we could do that to ourselves 🤔

I have laid out my clothes for the morning already and my shorts are on top of my shoes lol. I seriously must have been asleep when I left my room. Glad you got a laugh out of it 🙂

hope you have had a good night. Going for a walk tomorrow? Don’t forget to do a checklist... it happens 😆

chat soon.

[Catie 08]

Just got back from my walk (fully clothed), no frost this morning so it was nice. On my way to the beach I stumbled across a family of yellow tail black cockatoos stripping a tree of its pinecones. They are super destructive but still so pretty. The water was like a mirror, the only waves were those made by the fish farm boats.
Was in my head on my walk a bit much today, in fact the "villiage" was having a field day. I need to take my youngest to soccor training soon but i think i need to sit a write to sort out whats going on in there when I get back. Im struggling to see how I'm going to progress with therapy. I know I'm just hitting the hardest part now and its my every instinct to just run but maybe this is as good as it gets? Im trying to keep some perspective, I know that there are many others that have had it 1000 times worse than me, maybe I'm just taking up appointment at therapy that someone else needs more than me, maybe I just need to suck it up and try and move on. Life isn't easy, maybe I just need to realise these are the cards I have been dealt and deal with it?

[Richie01]

Hey,

C, these are the cards we have been dealt but guess what, therapy and understanding have been added to the hand of this game of life. All of the sudden a you have a hand worth a raise.

Dont compare your situation to that of others or do so with the knowledge that they probably feel the same way. How good are we at feeling guilty, feeling like we dont deserve help like we should suck it up and hold it in Does it work? God no.

Ive been here C, when i was admitted to hospital over ten years ago. i had the best help there was, every type of psych... that there is, CBT, group sessions everything in the one place every day. I hit a wall in treatment where i saw people who in my eyes were worse off than me, like my issues were not ''bad'' enough to warrant the help i was getting. I felt guilty, i wanted out, i didnt want to be a burden... I ran essentially, lied to myself and everyone else to feel like i didnt need help, I sucked it up, i pushed it all away and just coped alone as best i could. This is what we do unfortunately. If we can see it as not working, if we see and feel the negatives, we lose sight of what is possible. Im not going to make that mistake again because it will come back and we will be here all over again. Where you are i know so bloody well, i know i dont have to ask you to believe that😊

Sorry, a bit deep and all but i care alot about you C, this isnt someone supporting you because they have to, not because its my job or that there is some underlying obligation i feel. I care because i feel what you feel, i know how hard this is in ways we cant explain or share, i know how alone this can make us feel in the world,as if we could have everything but nothing can fill this void. We share something that few ever will, sadly its for the wrong reasons we have met, it wasnt our choice to walk this lonely road but it has brought us to this place where two paths have merged. For all the right reasons i wont let you walk alone on this road any longer. (a little sappy but you know how i write 😊)

Ill check in here as often as i can today, I know today is hard and i know you feel like this is yours to get through alone but just accept that is no longer the case. Youll never be a burden C and how you feel matters, you matter C.

Hope you managed some time to write and enjoy soccer with the kids, the more i grow, the more i know that even if everything else changes, we will make it through for them, thats their gift to us 😊

Chat soon.

Richard

[Richie01]

Hey,

Felt like writing something myself. Just kind of felt right. Its just the way i express things i guess but i thought it fitting.

A shipwrecked mind left stranded
years looking out to sea
Screaming into empty space
The words that wont come free

From the days we can remember,
And where our thoughts wont go,
Waves build up and push to shore,
The winds begin to blow.

She walks along the lonely stretch
Of this forsaken beach
And tries to send a message out
To a place she cannot reach

Her footprints left are memories
That sand will not let fade
A constant need for sheltering
Behind the walls she’s made

The storm is now upon her
The waves begin to break
Bringing back bitterness
Of what no one should take

But on the far horizon
a ship came into sight
by chance the storm had changed its course
on that now fateful night

And as the ship came into shore
Made land upon beach
And found the soul survivor
No longer out of reach

The ship was manned alone by one
Who also knew the cost
of having so much taken
but now not all was lost

For as the now set out to sea
And waves begin to land
They slowly start to wash away
Her footprints in the sand

Keep smiling C, i know its hard but this isnt as good as it gets. Believe that, your worth it. 😊

Richard

[Catie 08]

Thank you Richie, that is so lovely! I wish I could write like that.
I've just returned from my walk. I did sit down and try to write to you whilst i was out but it is raining here today and the spots of rain on my screen kept mucking up what I was writing so I gave up.
I know I'm being hard on myself, it just took me a bit to realise it.
Yesterday I felt like a door mat but it was all my own doing. I shut myself down and didn't talk to hubby about what was going on. Your right, I felt that i just had to do it on my own. He asked a couple of times but i just blocked him out, its such a hard habit to change.
I tried to write down what was going on yesterday but I only got about three lines in and gave up. I really have to be in the right head space for it.
I'm going to cancel the appointment I made for Wednesday, I just can't face it. I've still got an appointment for the following week, I just need to give myself some time.
I hope your day is good and relatively Pearce free.
Talk soon
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

I get the being unable to talk about it with hubby. Its something we hold in for our reasons, sucks that we know it may actually help to talk but we just cant. Im exactly the same. There are too many reasons within us not to, part of us feels guilty no letting them know, then part feels guilty for putting that knowledge on them and those are the easy emotions to face some days. It really is an almost impossible situation at times!!!! I wish i had opened up more with Sehra but honestly, looking at it, it wasnt something i could do and im not sure even now that i could.

You are right about the head space. as much for writing about it as it is talking about it. I think you have made the right call to cancel the appointment for wednesday, yeah there is a chance that some good could come from it but lets face it, we know us, if we think its not the right time or that it wont go well, then thats what we will make of it. Its not self defeating or anything self destructive, we just know we are not quite ready for it. Im glad you are keeping the next one though, thats a really positive sign that your keeping the cross-hairs on the prize.

Your yesterday was probably the last three years of my life, i know exactly what you mean about feeling like a doormat, the blocking everyone out, the doing it alone.... I dont want you to be alone in this, i know what that feels like and no one deserves that. I guess thats why i keep making a point of saying im here, in affirmation that i care and will support you through this as best i can. I know its hard to accept, i know its completely against everything we have always done to speak about these things, i know all of that yet it somehow is possible. Its that simple 🙂

Pearce finally learned how to say the word gates, i think he has finally got the memo and is towing the line. Had another chat to him about some other stuff and i think he has taken it on. Just young, i dont want to write him off just yet.

Hope you have a good day too C. I think i run the risk of sounding a bit full on quite often😬 but i mean what i say in the most supportive way. Im not overthinking things i write to you so thats a positive step but just let me know if its coming across a bit much. (Thats me overthinking it tho isnt it).

Enjoy your rainy sunday and give yourself the time you need. Thats important right now

Richard

[Catie 08]

Dont stop writing the way that you do. I thinks its good for both of us 😊.

Yesterday I spent the whole day listening to the sound of silance full tilt and on repeat.. all damn day. In the absence of my own words, they just spoke to me.

"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
"Fools, " said I, "You do not know
Silence, like a cancer, grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells, of silence"

My therapist keeps reminding me that people can tell how I'm feeling from just looking at me but I feel like the pain in my eyes would absolutely speak to anyone who has felt it without me saying a word. I feel like there are too many people who listen to you without actually hearing what you have to say. How many times have we asked or have been asked "how are you today? " But no one waits for the answer or we feel it's poliet to say "good thanks" when actually the world is falling down around our ears? It's easier to let someone be silent than to disturb whatever truth lies beneath the surface.
"Silence like a cancer grows" - yep, keeping silent and bearing the burdon for so long infiltrates every part of our being, there is not one part of life unaffected but the secrets held tight.
"My words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence" - I don't want all of this to be for nothing, I hope that one day all of this pain and heartache can help someone else. I hate that this abuse is hushed up and almost unacceptable to speak of. There are days (not today) that I wish I could scream it from the roof tops if only to help someone else.

Music is so powerful. Songs like this get me through each day.

C.

[Richie01]

C,

I love how you have put that. People dont talk like this anymore and thats a real shame.

Your therapist is right but it doesnt take much to see someone feeling pain. We see it in everyone every day. The difference is that most people see that as a pain they can relate to, a break up, a lost job etc. Its different when the pain comes from a secret that consumes us'' infiltrates every part of our being'' (so well put by the way).

'' How are you'' is a generic hello these days. Most people dont even lift their eyes from their phone to say it. Real emotions have become somewhat insulated. Unless you are inside someones small social bubble, you may as well not exist. How do we speak when we know what we will say will fall on deaf ears, when we know that unless we are really lucky, when we finally build up the strength to reach out, we will find ourselves pushing everything further behind our walls. We have pre meditated responses, we wear a smile upon the face of true pain, we show the world what they want to see because as much as no one will admit it, the majority of them dont want to know what we have been through or are going through. Who are we to tear down their perfect world or make what they see on the news be something real that they cant ignore. So we smile and laugh most of the time, if people saw how we really feel, if they knew what we had been through, most would cross the street and avoid us. We know the ones who understand, there is something in the words we use, something in the way we interpret what is said and how we respond. So yeah, i agree unconditionally with seeing what we know in others who feel what we feel. I have never seen your eyes but i feel like i would know them in a room of a thousand faces.

I love that song, I still like the original for the times i cried to it alone but the disturbed version gives it something extra.

All of this already cant be for nothing C, you have made a difference in my life i never expected or thought possible.The pain and heartache we feel has helped us to help each other. I know that will have a flow on for both of us. I think what we have been through could have actually had a positive effect in a way making us emotionally in touch with a part of us than we ever could have been. (some small consolation)

I agree, the way we write is great for both of us and anyone else who reads it.

Richard

[Catie 08]

I love how you said "The pain and heartache we feel has helped us to help each other. " yes!! Your right. It kind of encapsulates what this "community" is. Thank goodness we have have this, I would hate to think what could be if we didn't.
C.