Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

It’s so hard isn’t it, I don’t talk to my family about it as although they try to be helpful and I know they mean well they say pretty unhelpful things that just make me feel worse.

I had a good friend confide in me a couple of months ago she was starting to remember incidents from her childhood and then I saw her last week and was asking her how she was going and she said she was good, she said she had seen how messed up I was and she kept asking herself if she was going to end up as bad as me because she’d been abused?! In my head I wanted to cry and say something rude. But out loud I said everyone reacts differently so if you haven’t had that reaction yet you probably will be ok.

[Richie01]

In a not funny way that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard today C. Just think of something else.... lol what a moment of clarity. But can some people do that 🧐 lucky them I say.
first night home and I’m not wigging out!! Not over yet tho. Been listening to billy Joel in a less than healthy way today. Gotta love the transition between 70s and crap!!! How have you been C and Anz? Hope you are well. I have a whole month off! What the hell do I do with that amount of time....

[Anzee]

Sorry Richie I’ve been trying to process what I’m going to do for the 4 weeks I have no psych and 1800respects web chat isn’t running at the moment and I hate talking over the phone so I have been stewing on all my questions and thoughts.

I do also have my sister visiting from interstate with my baby nephew I’m meeting for the first time so that has been nice.
I don’t know how you do it. I hate my own company haha. Hope you’re still feeling ok?

[Catie 08]

I hope your all taking care with the crazy weather we are having.

We will have 31 degrees here today (I may melt!!)

Am I right that Richie's in the thick of a pretty big storm at the moment? (If you get any thunder and lightning please send it my way, I love it 🥰)

Stay safe x

[Richie01]

Hey guys,

yep, storming is proverbial off. I’ll be keeping the thunder and lightening tho. I freaking love storms!!! I think I like the uncontrolled chaos, maybe I just like the goosebumps when the whole house shakes tho 😉

try not to stress anz, you know we are here. Not the same, I get that but you are not alone ok.

so desperately want to go for a fish lol. It’s my chill out time, hope the weather sorts itself out soon 😬.
hope you are both well.

rich

[Anzee]

It was 34 here today and I was at work in a hot kitchen cooking pies with two kids because the eldest didn’t go to school lol, it was too hot, not nice at all.

ive just had my last psych apt and she was so good I emailed and told her I wanted to talk about the positives so I can try and go through with those thoughts, she addressed what needed to be addressed still but didn’t turn the session into negative talk.

like usual I’m sure I’ll be back to my anxious overthinking state in no time but we can’t win them all haha.

gows everyone else feeling about Xmas?

[Catie 08]

I've been feeling so good for the past week... calm and in control... then my Aunty called today. I missed her call because I was working but she left a message to say she's looking forward to seeing me at Xmas and is looking forward to a good chat... 🤢🤮😳 I don't want a chat!!! I just want to enjoy Xmas with my family.... or crawl into a hollow log.... i dont want to be the family freak show! 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

[Catie 08]

Just had therapy....

So we have spent so much time talking about avoidance over the past 12 months that I've felt, if I'm avoiding something it's bad and I failed. Apparently there is also good avoidance too. What??? Where is the line in the sand between what is good and bad? Is there someone that come a up behind you and taps you on the shoulder to tell you what's right and what's wrong? I can't keep up!
I do understand what he's saying but I need there to be clear rules so I know I'm doing this right, I can't be trusted to decide for myself!

[Anzee]

Totally feeling you catie, I hate making the decision and always say that in my sessions and am constantly looking for someone else’s validation if I do have to make a big decision, my psych has encouraged me from the start to empower myself by making these decisions but I honestly can’t I get so scared I’m going to make the wrong one but at least if someone else has validated my decision for me (especially a professional) I feel more at ease about the decisions I make.

it does feel like it never ends though, I’m trying so hard not to think about too much with my psych away but my brain just keeps bringing everything to the surface so I have had to turn to the online supports to validate my choices.

how long had it been since you’d seen your therapist?

[Catie 08]

I last saw him.about a month ago.... in that time I needed to take a week off work due to anxiety. Another month now until the next one...