Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

The kids have actually arranged to spend the first week of the holidays with my parents on the farm. We will take them up after soccor on Saturday. Hubby, my brother and I are all hobby detectorists, just coins and relics. As Tassie has an early history we find some pretty cool stuff. The farm is a great place to detect as there are heaps of really early house sites so we will probably try to get out if it's not snowing.

[Richie01]

That sounds like a good plan.
Be a good way to chill out for you and the family. Hopefully the snow holds off for you. My little guy caught a 15 pound snapper tonight, he is still glowing. Made my fish look small lol.
swag night tonight. It’s not cold here so it’ll be nice. Hope you had a better afternoon.
chat soon

[Catie 08]

Nice one!!! I bet he is. Im glad the hear the the weather is good for you all. Enjoy the camp out.
C.

[Richie01]

How are you going today?
didn’t want to bring it up last night because I’m sure it’s the last thing you feel like talking about but how are you feeling about the weekend? I know seeing your parents with everything going on would be a big stress. Have you been able to unwind a little yet? Hope your well.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie, sorry I did write yesterday but I have to remember to stop and read what I wrote before I press send as it still hasn't popped up 🤦‍♀️.

I am tired just thinking about going to the farm. Having to pretend to be ok, to put on a face to protect them, I hate having to live this double life. A lifetime of lies could be unraveled with one conversation and it scares me. I know I'll get no rest this weekend, it takes a lot of energy to pretend to be something your not.

On a brighter note, how did camping go?

[Catie 08]

Oh and before I forget, the internet is a bit rubbish at the farm so I might be a bit harder to reach until late on Sunday 😊

[Catie 08]

Omg, my youngest just gave me a jar filled with "I love you" notes for when they are away. She said when im feeling sad or down to pull out a note from her - what a sweetheart 🥰. I forget how much they notice and how this effects them too.
I miss them and they haven't even gone yet.

[Richie01]

Hey,

yeah, it sucks to his double life. No need to explain a single thing to me about that. Camping was fun, think the kids want to do it again tonight. Back to real life tomorrow, not looking forward to it but it’ll be fine, therapy again on Monday then yeah... life without anything to do, sounds great but really isn’t. Hope the farm is ok for you, just take a breath if it gets too much, write a post about anything you want to say if getting it out helps you from letting it out. I know it consumes you, like every conversation almost has an opening for it to come out and sometimes you just want it to but the thought of it being out fills you with a fear that is almost unrivalled.
how beautiful is the jar of notes!! That’s bloody priceless. How lucky are you. Things like that make us know everything’s going to be ok 😊

try to enjoy yourself as much as you can, if you feel like your sinking, just have a beer and you’ll float through 😉

look forward to hearing what you find on your detecting journeys. Take care

Richard

[Catie 08]

Made it to the farm ok. Gave the kids an education on country music on the way up -Casey Chambers , no pretty enough was up pretty loud. There have been a few topics of conversation that made my anxiety spike. I feel constantly on edge but ill be ok. No beer but managed a glass of wine 😊.

No snow so we hope to detect tomorrow.

I hope you have enough marshmallows for a second camp out. I'm.glad they enjoyed it.

Talk soon
Catherine.

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
I'm finally home again.

Did you decide to do the second camp out??

We went detecting and managed to find a few old coins and an old medal that was handed out at the end of WW1 which was pretty cool.

Whilst I was up there I was going through some of my old stuff and came accross an old diary... It was so sad.. I would have been about 11 or 12yo and I wrote about not having anyone to talk to and not wanting to live in this life. I spoke about suicide and wanting to run away.... no wonder I'm so bloody tired, I've been fighting this for a very long time and by this age I'd already been dealing with everything for 5 or 6 years.

The property we went detecting at used to belong to a family with the same surname as my childhood abuser so hearing that name over and over today wasn't much fun and my mind was all over the place but I got through it.

On the way home I didn't say a word the whole trip. Poor hubby, he knew my mind was in overdrive and tried to talk to me but once again, I shut down. I just didn't want to have to explain it. I know I don't need to explain it here, you just get it.

I'm pretty tired now, it really is exhausting.
A cuppa and then bed I think.

I hope tomorrow goes well for you. I'm here is you want to debrief after.

Catherine.