scared and struggling

[Gia052]

I have been clean from self harm for 1 year and 9 months and I don’t want to ruin that but recently I have been extremely stressed with my relationship and travelling for a weekend trip and work related issues as well. I feel like I can’t tell my boyfriend about it because I don’t know how he will react but the urge is there and is getting extremely hard to deal with. He has noticed my changes in mood and self esteem and is considering if the relationship is going to work out. I don’t want to break up but I don’t know how to tell him what’s going through my mind. I don’t have any friends to ask for help from and I’m just scared of what will happen. 

any advice is greatly appreciated ❤️

[therising]

Hi Gia052

I think there are times where we're going to be seriously tested when it comes to any form of self harm that offers to brings us a sense of relief. Sometimes the tests are small and easy to pass, sometimes they can be medium-ish and challenging and sometimes they can feel enormous and we can feel fearful without some solid plan in place. I feel so deeply for you as you face what sounds like such an enormous challenge at the moment. The pull to experience relief can be so incredibly intense at times, that's for sure.

I think it's also hard when a number of strategies that have worked in the past don't necessarily work under the circumstances we're facing. It can become a matter of 'What new strategies and/or viewpoints do I need to consider and perhaps adopt?'. I'm wondering whether you've received guidance from someone in the past, when it comes to alternatives to self harm. If so, do you think it might be time to revisit this person? I find there are occasions (about once every few years) where I go and see a guy who's proven to help me immensely with the darker times I just can't graduate through and out of by myself. When I say 'graduate', what I mean is if every challenge holds the potential to raise us to next level consciousness and self understanding, there are going to be periods that really test us when it comes to just how conscious we are and how well we really know our self. Sometimes the questions can be 'Why am I struggling so much at the moment? What is this challenge really about? What is the best path, regarding the way forward? What skills or tools do I need that I don't currently have? How do I gain them (so as to throw them into my trusty backpack which I travel with through life with)?' and so on. The guy I see occasionally sees all this for me and shares with me what he sees, giving me a much greater sense of clarity. His guidance always makes a positively mind altering and life changing difference to me.

When it comes to partners, I think it pays to question 'What kind of partner do I have?'. Some partners will be brilliant natural guiding lights or people who'll wonder with us, when it comes to wondering about why or how we're struggling and what the best way forward can look like. Then there are some who are great for just about anything other than that kind of stuff. Took me close to a couple of decades to work out my husband does not fall into that first category. I'm not slamming him, just stating a fact. He's more so a 'You need to just get on with life' kind of guy. Mind you, he drinks to manage what's stressful or potentially depressing. Self harm comes in many different forms. While I could return to drinking like I used to when I was younger, I know I'd cease graduating through life if I did. Perhaps there's only one way to find out what kind of partner you have. While you don't necessarily have to reveal the complete truth to him, which includes a history of struggle with self harm, perhaps telling him some truth (that you're struggling greatly at the moment) might test him to see how well he can raise you to a new state of consciousness and self understanding that you can feel making the difference you truly need. Trust in what you feel is the best discussion to have with your partner. Trust yourself.❤️