Recently diagnosed bipolar and life crashed all around me

[Nates]

This is a new step for me. Trying something different..

My story is difficult for me to accept but a work In progress.
I had found I was on a collision course at the end of last year, I seekes help from my gp and was perscribed antidepressants to help (first time ever one any sort of medication) That plus a lot of life factors and I completely broke. I had a massive manic depressive episode and almost took my own life and thankfully sent to a hospital and was diagnosed bipolar 1 with adhd.
Once I got out my wife couldn’t handle the pressure and lost trust in me as I was so unstable and kicked me out. I have 3 daughters.. this was he hardest thing ever.. and then covid.. this left me without work for 5months from a job I had held a senior role for 11+years and a chef. (No family, no work)

I ended up having to get my own place, still can’t find it comfortable without my girls around and I struggle so much dealing with my situation.
i”ve since done a time of therapy, balance meds and trying my best yet trying to stay stable is a constant struggle.
recently has a lapse and said and felt things that I tried to hard to control and damage has been done.
thngs are slowly getting better though, my wife and I are working on the relationship but I can’t stop myself from thinking that it’s still all to much for her and for myself and that I’m a burden (another child she has to attend to)

further more I left my job, started a new one and trying to take it as a fresh start but anxiety gets the best of me and my doubts of my ability to sustain any healthy lifestyle is pressure that’s too much.

it’s the hardest thing to mange, I get Manic and it feels good like so good but it was so quickly turn ugly if triggered and the speed of which my head can spiral scares the hell outta me.
feeling like I should be alone, and not burden those around me with all this. It’s too much and too unpredictable and down right terrifying at times.

guess I just want to see if anyone can understand.. relate.. I got nothing to hid anymore and everything to loose if I don’t keep fighting this.
almost feels like when things start feeling good my mind can sabotage everything and bring me back to nothing in a heart beat.

I want to help my wife trust me but how can I when I hardly trust myself..

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nates,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We're glad that you chose to take this new step - we're so sorry to hear that this journey has been so difficult. We empathise with how tough it must be living away from your family. It's good to hear that things are slowly getting better, and you are working with your support team to try and find a good balance of treatments. We understand that the process of finding what works for you can be time-consuming and exhausting, so we think you are so strong for doing everything that you are.

Remember that if you need help between sessions, there is always support available to you. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). MensLine Australia is also a great service. They are a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns, so it may be a useful service for when you are needing to talk through marital concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/
You may also find some of the following Beyond Blue resources helpful:

• "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal
• "Staying well" -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will pop by to welcome you over the next few days.

[Emmen]

Hello Nates,

Welcome to the forums.

I feel exhausted just reading everything you wrote. I can't imagine how tiring and stressful this must be for you. Thank you for reaching out today. I hope being on our forum and connecting with others with bipolar disorder will help you through this.

Things have been difficult for you, but I see your wife has been making an effort to work on your relationship. You say that you fear being a burden to her, and I can understand where you are coming from. But people look after their loved ones because they choose to. Your wife working on your relationship with you chooses to do that, and the best way you can show her that she can trust you is by trusting her as well, and by believing in your relationship.

I'm glad to know you have had therapy and been prescribed medications. If you're struggling with these intrusive thoughts and find that it's jeopardizing your relationship, perhaps you could talk about it with your therapist too? I'm proud of you for still having a fighting spirit. I know you'll get through this, hang in there.

Take care,
M

[mocha delight]

Hi Nate I’m also for the first time in my life on antidepressants as well since the first week before covid 19 was first mentioned and had my 4th appointment with my psychologist this afternoon. I may not have as many issues to deal with like you but last year I was diagnosed with coeliac disease (an autoimmune disease), GORD ( another autoimmune disease and the autoimmune disease side of acid reflux), have a learning disability, just on the autistic spectrum and not only does my psychologist agree with my gp that I have depression but she told me unofficially basically that I have both social & general anxiety (I had a feeling well a gut feeling that I had more then one type of anxiety which the psychologist she agrees with). Oh I also have sleep apnea and on a prescription medication to help me sleep at night despite having a cpap machine for my sleep apnea.