Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[Sophie_M]

Hi Neerja,

We're glad to hear that your wound has started to heal and that it doesn't hurt anymore - but we're sorry to hear that you're feeling so hopeless and that you are still struggling so much with self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. We're concerned about you so we're getting in touch privately.

It's important to be gentle with yourself and take small steps with the things you want to change, rather than having really high expectations of yourself. Habits can be really tough to change, especially when you're struggling with your mental health. You're not alone - there are lots of threads on the forums about our community members who struggle with using food to cope with depression, or other negative thoughts and feelings. Things can always improve, it can just take some time and the right supports in place.

Remember that we're all here for you on your journey. Please reach out here anytime.

 

[hellohi]

I disagree with you Sophie_M, I don't think things can always improve. Its been a few years now.

What is the point of trying anymore, when nothing is going to change?

It's frustrating, I want to feel something.

I just can't get motivated and push myself to exercise and I keep on gaining weight. My schoolwork is falling and I just can't do it anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Neerja,

We can empathise with how frustrated you are by the feeling that things are not improving. Things can always improve, but it's important to get some ongoing support. The lack of motivation that you're feeling is a common symptom that people experience when struggling with their mental health. 

We would urge you to speak to your school counsellor about accessing ongoing support, possibly at a local Headspace centre or through your GP. Your counsellor will have the best understanding of what would be the most accessible to you in your area. We understand that you are coping with a lot of difficult thoughts, and this must be really tough to do, as well as feeling a lot of pressures to perform in many areas of your life. This is why it's important to get help.

We hope that if you're struggling today, you can find something to distract yourself with like a tv show or maybe something creative like doing a drawing or making a bracelet. Lots of our community members have found a friend in you, and we are all wishing the best for you. We hope this is of some comfort.

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

How are you?

[hellohi]

In class, we were watching Romeo and Juliet for an English class, when a group of people said, "people who commit suicide go to hell." And they also said stuff like "people who commit suicide are cowards and they don't deserve to go to heaven." It made me feel really uncomfortable and worst of all, the teacher also agreed and many of the others in my class started to agree as well. Then my teacher in a jokingly way said "Don't commit suicide! If you need to talk, talk to me."

Someone, who sits next to me in class was also saying those things about heaven and hell. It felt really uncomfortable and overwhelming because I hear that kind of stuff from my family and now at school too.

But why? Is it wrong to want to die, to have your thoughts and everything end?

It was a very isolating feeling because I want to die and then everyone around me just says things like this every day, it just made me feel worse. Sitting there in class, was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do.

And why is it when you ask for help, people start to see you differently or change? Since the day I told her about my suicidal thoughts, my school counsellor has changed. She always looks at the clock and is always waiting to go, the room is always filled with silence. I hate going into that room.

I hate living with all of this going around me. It's really hard to live, I am scared to live whilst scared to die.

There is nothing I can do about it. Every day is just the same, I don't have any hope that any of this is going to ever change.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Neerja,

Thanks for reaching out here and keeping your friends on the forums updated on how you've been feeling. We're so sorry to hear about this experience in your English class, we can hear how upsetting and uncomfortable this must have been for you. Hearing comments like this from both your family and people at your school must be so tough to cope with, but please know that our community really do understand, and we're all here to help support you.

It sounds like things are feeling particularly overwhelming for you right now, and we'd urge you to reach out to Kids Helpline either by phone (1800 55 1800) or through their online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling You've mentioned previously that you can find it really tough to be able to talk about these feelings out loud when you're feeling really low, so do you think you may feel up to reaching out online instead?
Our friends at Lifeline also have a Text Service from 12pm-midnight on 0477 13 11 14, and you can find out more information at their website here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/

We can hear how hopeless things are feeling for you right now, but please don't give up in finding the right support that works for you. Many in our community will also understand how difficult this journey can be, but also how things really can improve and get better. You're a really valuable part of our community, and we all want to help you get the support you need and deserve.

[hellohi]

Hi Sophie_M,

I won't be able to use the text service because my parents read my texts and they will probably take my phone off me. I don't think I will be able to find the right support.

But thank you for your kindness and understanding.

[Sophie_M]

Hey again Neerja,

We're really sorry to hear that you're worried about your parents taking your phone for using the text service. But please know that there are always more options available to you if you'd feel more comfortable using online chats instead?

As we mentioned previously, Kids Helpline have a 24/7 online chat available at: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling 
Our friends at Suicide Call Back Service also have 24/7 online chat available at: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/
And although you wouldn't feel comfortable using the text service, Lifeline also have online chat which is available from 7pm-midnight at: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

We really do hope that you keep reaching out, and please know that you can use these services as often as you need whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with. 

[Guest_1643]

HI Neerja - that counsellor sounds really bad - looking at the clock is not seen well in any job - I can't do tat in my job and I have a lot less power over vulnerable people than a school counsellor.
I'm sorry you are in pain.
I also find the Romeo and Juliet theme of suicide very triggering. It is one of my favourite plays but the theme of suicide is enormous. And they shouldn't joke about it

When I was in first year university I took an art subject and we studied a work of art - which was about a university student who wanted to commit suicide. It was very graphic.

The lecturer said "Look, you're not kids anymore, so I don't have to give trigger warnings anymore, just experience the art as you are adults."

A lot of these teachers don't get it. If they have a discussion like that again you could just go to the bathroom etc - you don't need to listen to that. I'm sorry the counsellor is also bad. Is there any other counsellors there - could you ask for another one?

I just want the best for u ... and know how frustrating the mh system can be, let alone for u who is underage and has a lot of barriers to getting help. You're doing amazing.

[hellohi]

Hi Sophie_M,

Sorry for keeping bothering you.

It is not about the phone, I never use my phone except for calling my parents.

But they will be annoyed, it will cause arguments. Then they won't talk to me. I just want to stay away from that. It makes me feel really bad.

But thanks Sophie_M.