Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[ecomama]

Dear Neerja

Don't worry, we ALL feel like a fraud some times when we go for jobs or even IN our jobs!

No biggie, we all go through it. It's just a weird feeling we have.

A strategy I used once that helped alot when I was afraid of customers was to imagine them as a tiny little baby lol or a really old person... it helps us. Try it.

You know FOR SURE you're not going to steal all their stuff so they want YOU lol.
They also want to know that you will be KIND to customers and not tell them off lol!

They don't want a person who IS a fraud all confident who's just going to steal and be horrible to ppl.

SO THE JOB IS YOURS.

Oh yeah I agree that School can really harm kids!
I see them functioning as Institutionalised Child Care for the Community.

IN tribal societies children learn what they NEED to learn.

I like a STRENGTHS based learning structure but that's just me lol.

Whether we like it or not, it's about "playing the game" and getting what YOU need out of your education.

My friends who aren't well are doing okay.

My kids are doing okay... it's school holidays lol, they're working HEAPS.
You get paid lots more on Public holidays so they like working those days even more lol.

I think they're workplace (a popular take away) would fall down without my kids!
One worked 17 hours on Sunday GRRR is only getting paid for 15.
Anyway they all love working there, so that's good.

I'm having a Builder put up REALLY LONG shelving downstairs... like 20 metres long x 3 shelves.
I'm nervous because it's costing a lot of money.

My Uncle is coming up and he makes me anxious! He's absolutely full on. He's doing some major renovations that need doing here but he's staying over for the first time ever and that makes me anxious lol.

My gardener is coming tomorrow too. I'm nervous about how much money this is all costing but I know it all needs doing too. So it's tricky.

I'll find ways to make things work out. I usually do.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

It is a weird feeling.

I will try the strategy! thanks Ecomama 🙂

Haha I won't steal all their stuff. lol

But they also don't want an employee who can't talk to their customers at all.

Strength-based learning structure is good and you are right it is getting what need out of your education. I guess sometimes finding your strengths takes time and maybe that's why you get to choose your own subjects and be a bit more serious for your occupation after school in VCE. But there are people who don't have any strengths, I am one of them.

I am extremely glad that your friends and your kids are doing ok, that is really nice to hear!

School started here on Monday. When are school holidays ending for your kids?

Your kids work a lot! That's horrible that one of your kids got paid for 2 hours less when they worked for the 2 hours.

It is really good that they love working there, thats the most important thing.

Wow 3, 20 metres long shelves! The are huge! Did it end up costing a lot of money?

I understand that you feel anxious about your uncle coming over. I hope everything goes well.

My mum gets really anxious too. One time we had a family friend from a different country, I had no idea who they were - no one told me haha, stay over and my mum was really anxious, she was changing everything. It is one of the reasons why she doesn't let anyone stay over or go to another's house too because she always worries about how other people think about her.

Did it cost a lot of money for the gardener?

You do find ways to make things work.

How are you? Is everything going ok?

I hope you, your friends and family are doing well.

Thank you for being my friend.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

I've had a really sad, stressful week. I'm sorry for the delay. xxxx

You do have strengths lol, you write SO well for such a young person!
You're very sweet, kind & thoughtful.
You're studious in the most trying of times which shows a strength beyond words young lady lol.

And I know because I'm old lol. That's just a basic list I'm sure.

Beeping stuff over a checkout & stacking shelves doesn't take much talking.
When a customer asks "Can you tell me where the pens are?" you can walk them there, easy.

You've got this.

Ummm builder put up the shelves - they're HUGE. $412 for the materials. $250 for labour. That's just about sorted my storage area... yet to be organised.

Gardener $105 for 3h work. WE GOT THE rest of the lantana out YIPPEE!
Cut down anyway. I always work WITH him. He's a lovely, cheery fellow.
It's in 4 HUGE piles in the garden under old carpet & weed mat, hoping it rots down & DOESN'T regrow!
Now to axe out the huge stumps & drag out all the tentacle root systems in the ground grrrr. My green bin's always full.
He spotted a pawpaw tree! I didn't know it was a pawpaw, I'm happy about that. I dug it up out of the garden because it looked pretty & I was worried it was a HUGE tree from the neighbours garden, so wanted to keep it controlled.

I'll be chuffed to plant it & can't wait for a pawpaw or 50 lol. Do you like fruit?

We found a random passionfruit vine growing yay! It was a baby of my beautiful one that demon ex destroyed years ago. He knew I loved it.
Clearly he didn't see the baby growing lol. The lantana both hid & supported it. How lucky is that?

I was going to make a greenhouse out of my destroyed pool but it's too rusted.
It'd be too expensive to build that, to see it fall down lol.
Bit sad & mind boggling trying to think of WHAT to put there after all those years.

Uncle went berzerk tbh. Pulling all sorts apart everywhere, getting distracted from the ONE job needed. He did prop up the top storey. We're turning that porch into a room with louvre windows & sliding door. He has the sliding door to give us. Saves about $3000! But the louvres are custom made & will be expensive.

Everything's expensive. I hope to delay things a bit so I can try to save more money.

Kids & I all go back to school / work Monday. Sadly one son won't be here.

Have you recovered from the surgery?
Could you catch up on school?

💚 EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really sorry you had a sad and stressful week. Please don't apologise :). How has today been for you?

Thank you for your kind words, I just feel that I won't ever be able to accept myself, I guess I am just a sad soul.

I have almost finished my resume and I am going to try to apply for the job. Hopefully, there isn't much talking in the job lol.

Over $800 is a lot of money spent, but it is really good that the storage area is sorted and your garden. I bet your house is looking amazinger that's a new word I made lol

Gardening sounds really fun. Hopefully, the weeds don't regrow. Haha, it is the opposite here, our green bin is always empty and our house is full of weeds.

Wow, the pawpaw tree sounds amazing! Pawpaw is really delicious! Haha, I really like how you said you will be chuffed to the tree lol. Hopefully, the pawpaws grow quickly

I like fruit, but I do eat a lot of junk food. I know this sounds stupid, overeating helps sometimes, I don't know how that works because one of the reasons I hate myself is my weight.

I think my favourite is mango or blueberries. What is your favourite fruit?

That is amazing that you found a passionfruit vine growing! He was a demon, it is really horrible that he destroyed it. I am very glad that he didn't notice the baby passionfruit growing. It is really lucky how the lantana hid and support the plant, it is so beautiful. I wonder whether plants communicate with each other and if they do what conversations they might have, have you thought about that? I think one of the things they would talk about is how people step on them, must be really annoying

It is hard to think of something to put there after many years. We just have a deck and a swing. The swing is rusted

Its funny that your uncle went berzerk, hehe. Wow, it sounds wonderful! The porch will look amazing and u r saving $3000! Its really good. Custom made louvres are expensive, but they look really nice.

You are right everything is expensive. we recently got a different coloured concrete in our front and backyard, but the person didn't finish the job and didn't put the concealer on, so the colour is getting ruined as it rains.

How is work? My brother went to school today too. Why is one of your children not going to there?

The wound is almost recovered. I still haven't caught up in school, I am really slow lol

When is your birthday? I am turning 15 tomorrow, in 3y I will be 18.

Your friend Neerja

[Sophie_M]

Hi Neerja,

Happy 15th birthday for tomorrow! We hope you have a great day. We're getting in touch with you privately to check in with you.

It's good to hear that you're working on your resume and going to apply for a job. With time, life circumstances shift, change, and evolve. Things like starting a new job, making a new friend, or finding a new hobby can make big differences in our lives. Please remember that what we might be feeling is not forever and there is always hope that things can change and improve.

We're glad to see you connecting with so many friends on the forums - always great to see you around.

[hellohi]

Hi Sophie_M,

Thank you Sophie_M 🙂 I really appreciate it, thank you

What if you don't feel the hope? What does hope feel like?

I feel like there is this weight on my shoulders, it is a weird feeling like you want to cry but you can't, you want something but you don't know what it is, you want to say something, but you don't what it is and you feel that you are not in control of your emotions. I am just so used to putting on a fake smile, I guess it is impacting my control on my emotions.

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

HAPPY BIRTHDAY for yesterday!

Did you have a nice day?

Sending you all the most warmest wishes for your next year!

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Thank you for your wishes! 🙂

I had an ok day, I was by myself that day. My parents went to work and my brother went to school. Not much happened, but at least they said happy birthday. My mum's side called her, my uncle, aunty and grandparents said happy birthday to me, it was nice talking to them after so many years. My cousins didn't really want to talk to me, I felt really disconnected with everyone and no one really wanted to talk. 2 of the younger cousins ran away because they didn't want to talk. But it's maybe because we live in different countries and the sense connection kind of gets faded as you don't see them and talk to them as often.

How are you? When is it your birthday?

I hope you and your family are doing well

Your friend

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hello dearest Neerja

I'm okay. Trying to adjust to one of my son's up and leaving to live a very long way away. Our whole family is blown away with it... we really hope he comes home in a year like he said.

He was following his girlfriend and is till in school! omg. Huge shock.

Anyway we're adjusting in a very bumpy way.

Yeah I find that with overseas family. I think they do feel disconnected.

You probably speak with a totally Ozzie accent too! lol... even that can be overwhelming to some, esp little kiddies.

Are you allowed to Face Time this family?

Also I wanted to tell you about ABC iView. It's free and you can just Google search it and watch shows.

SOME of the shows on mental health have truly blown me away. Seriously.

One yesterday.... woah. I cried. SO MANY of the things those ladies / girls said about themselves I really "got"... I was there once a very long time ago. I just wanted to hug them all lol.

Just like I want to give you a BIG HIG too... HUGGGGGGG.

It does get better, when change our minds which is hard to do. IME it took years but was worth the work.

How's your recovery from the surgery?

Are you going to school now?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really glad that you are doing okay. It sounds really hard to adjust to the change and your son leaving. I hope you and your family are adjusting ok.

I don't feel comfortable face-timing, even talking on the phone is hard, it's so hard to get words out of my mouth and they probably think I am being rude because I don't speak loud enough.

You are right, ABC Iview is really good and it's free. Which shows do you watch? I like the movies there, that have been based on books.

I am going to school tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I am sick of faking smiles, sick of acting happy when I am not, I am sick of talking to the school counsellor, I am sick of the amount of schoolwork, I am sick of everything. I just can't push myself anymore, my concentration and the amount of schoolwork I get done is declining, I would spend hours on schoolwork yet not get an assignment done. What's the point of studying when there is nothing ahead of you instead of darkness? I can't do it anymore. My mind just goes blank and I don't even know what I am doing. Do you what annoys me the most, is when you pray to god or whoever is there for a year, to not wake up the next morning, and then you find yourself alive, it angers me so much. I don't want to live, nothing is ever going to get better. I don't know if faking smiles count but I don't feel anything, I want a release, all of these emotions are just building up and I can't let go of it. I don't even know how I feel anymore. Before I was able to cry, I would spend nights crying but now I can't even do that. There is nobody here, I can't honestly or openly tell anyone how I am feeling. I am alone. During this lockdown, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I checked my weight, I gained 10kg and most of my clothes don't even fit me anymore. I have been overeating more than usual and now I gained 10kg. I didn't go outside once except for the doctor appointments, and now I have to go to school tomorrow. I wish I was different. I hate myself, I keep on doing the things I want to change.

I had a specialist appointment last week and they said the wound is starting to heal. I think I have recovered from the surgery and it doesn't hurt anymore.

How are you? I hope you and your family are doing well.

Hugs to you too,

Neerja