Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

Omg are you okay?
What happened?
Surgery? Ugh!
You little darling, I hope you are recovering well?

I hope you don't have to stay on the meds too long if they make you sleepy - as long as they're helping ofcourse. xxxx

Homework, yeah. Not much leniency. I hope you can get some extensions anyway.
Then blast those assignments out, Power Neerja! With a cape lol.

Oh Neerja I didn't think I'd win the roller coaster thing lollll... I thought for sure one of the others would beat me. But the challenge was set and I'm not one to walk away from a challenge.

It's wonderful being your friend and I will always appreciate your friendship.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that this week. I hope you can get better.

My daughter is doing alot better now, thankyou for asking. xxxx

I've been Spring cleaning alot (how boring lol) but it's actually been fun.
There's so much more to clean out but I'm happy.

How are you feeling today?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really sorry. Its been almost a month. I know I am a terrible friend and I am really sorry.

Surgery wasn't great, but I am recovering. I can walk and sit up now, but I can't run. It was weird, everything happened unexpectedly, I woke up and I had back pain and I thought it was nothing so I didn't tell anyone for a few days. But it started to hurt a lot and then I had to tell my parents. For 2 weeks I was in bed and couldn't do much and then we went to the GP who said I needed surgery. I finished the meds, so I don't feel as sleepy as I did before.

I wish I had a cape, lol. I could fly away so easily, lol. I am trying to catch up in school, I have to finish my assignments during the school holidays. The teachers weren't that helpful, except 2 teachers who reduced the assignments I need to submit.

I am extremely glad that your daughter is doing a lot better, it is wonderful to hear!

I am glad that spring cleaning has been fun!

How are you doing?

I hope you, your friends and family are doing well.

I think of you all of the time and I really missed our friendship.

Thank you for being my friend.

[ecomama]

Hello dearest Neerja sweet thing

I have Missed you SO MUCH!

I tried not to worry about you and just imagined you being busy with school.

I had no idea you had surgery for goodness' sake!

Can you say what type?

Sounds awful.

I want a cape too lol. I want a magic wand also. We don't ask for much do we? lol.

My daughter went downhill again. I didn't want that to happen ofcourse but apparently that's what happens most of the time with ending your life thoughts.

She doesn't go to school much. Just over half the time.

She may start meds on the holidays. IDK.

My psych friend told me to get her into a Psychiatrist - pretty scary. It's a Catch 22 but the bottom line is that I want her to have a future. Hopefully her future IS there to be lived. But I don't want her future marred by a bad MH professional.

Tricky.

All my unwell friends are soldiering on. One even got a job! He's in denial about how ill he is.
Another went back to Uni at our grand all age. She PUTS herself in denial lol. That's ok.
The last one opened up really deeply last week to me. It was such a touching call. She told me things she's told no one in her life. She's SO unwell.

So IDK how things will go with each of them.

I have leave next week. I am REALLY looking forward to the "break".. my uncle finally came up yesterday after 2y of promising lol. He and my aunty came for my multiple birth children's 18th birthday party. It was only very small - family only plus their girlfriends.

Another child finally got his P Plates! That helps me not have to go out after midnight up to 4 x per week to pick them up from work. Ugh.

How long did they say until you're fully recovered?

I PRAY for your recovery of all things daily my dear friend.

Thankyou for being my friend. It means so much to me. I care about you VERY VERY much.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I really missed you!

Sorry Ecomama, I don't know what type. But it was for an infection that made a lump, the doctors don't know what the exact cause for it but it just happened. The surgery wasn't big, it was for an hour I think. I liked the anaesthetic part, I know it is weird, I kind of got an experience of what it feels to be dead, haha.

You are right, we do ask for much, lol.

I am really sorry that your daughter went downhill. Sorry I know I am not going to be any help, but when my suicidal thoughts get really strong, I force myself to sleep. I guess it is a short term help. Maybe you could help your daughter to rest and relax, where she doesn't have to think about things like school. Maybe you could have a day where your daughter's friends come over. I am glad that she is going to school half the time. Sending your daughter warm wishes, prayers, hugs and love, I really hope she feels better.

I am really sorry your friends are very unwell, I hope they feel better soon, wishing them all a speedy and smooth recovery.

This year has been awful.

Next week sounds like a nice and fun week for you! Wow, 2 years of promising is a long time! lol. Happy Birthday to your children!!!! 🎈🎉🎁

I hope you have a calm and nice break.

Congratulations to your child for being a P plate!!!!! 4x a week is a lot of driving!

My dad agreed with my mum for me to get a job, this is probably the first thing they have agreed on, hehe.

I am recovering, I don't feel sick anymore. But the doctors said that they think that the wound is going to take a month to heal.

Thank you Ecomama for your prayers, it means a lot to me.

I care about you very very much too. Thank you so much Ecomama for being my friend.

I hope your daughter feels better, she is going through a lot but she is really strong and she can do this!

I hope your friends feel better, wishing them all a speedy recovering, good health, happiness and wellness.

Your grateful friend forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

Thankyou for all of your well wishes. xxxx

It's a lucky thing the Drs found that lump. Weird how they don't know how it got there..

I was wondering how your parents got on when visiting the hospital?

HOW GREAT is that! You are allowed to get a job!

I can barely believe it!

SOME freedom and some of your own money too.
Now to get the job hey?

Are you still thinking of Officeworks?

Did you know Matchy Mark was away for ages too? I hope he gets better. Surgery isn't very fun but it's great you liked the anaesthetic lol. Don't get addicted to it! I love having my friend here.

I bet it was quiet at home for your brother while you were in hospital. Little darling. How did he manage?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

My mum stayed with me most of the time because my dad couldn't because of work. It was ok I guess, but whenever I have been in hospital, I think this is the 6th or 7th time, she acts differently and as soon it is the last day there, she changes back to her usual. In front of others my parents are different.

I am still thinking of Officeworks. I don't know if I am going to get a job. I know that I will get rejected by every employer when I try to apply.

Matchy, Mary was gone for a long time, I am extremely glad to see him back on the forums. I hope feels better too. He has been a lot of pain and hasn't recovered fully. I hope he recovers quickly. I don't like having my friends in pain.

Hehe, I won't get addicted to it. I love having my friend here too. But I don't know if I like being on earth.

My brother was angry, he didn't talk to me or my mum for a while, I think half a day. But now he is doing ok, he is watching movies right now, hehe, he loves Sonic the Hedgehog.

How are you? How is your daughter and your friends?

I hope you, your family and friends are doing well.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

Hey girl! You SAID you wanted a job so imagine HAVING that job and go get it lol!

I remember back a LONG time ago when I was a bit younger than you and so desperate for a PT job. My mum desperately needed me to get a job, she couldn't manage on her income alone and she worked hard.

I think I went to about 10 places - I can't remember how many but it was a LOT.

I REALLY wanted a job in a chemist. I tried every chemist (maybe it was more than 10 🙄😏😣).
But I had to be able to get to the job on my bike alone. My mother said she would never drive me.... I remember asking "Not even in a storm?" she said "No. You'll have to get yourself there" or something like that.

And that's exactly what happened lol.

I didn't get a chemist job. I got a job in a supermarket. I worked ALL school holidays. I liked it to get the money and hang out with old / new friends, we had some fun too lol. But it was hard working when my friends were enjoying their holidays and I was working more than full time.

I stayed there 8 years lol! Saved to put myself through University. Had an overseas trip when I was 20yo.

You might get knocked back time and time again just like me or anyone else has gone through... but you just have to try ONE time more than a knock back to get a job. Some of the major supermarkets are open long hours so there's more opportunity to work.

You're doing great.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Working during the entire school holidays must be really hard. You worked really hard, more than fulltime is a lot!

Was it really hard getting to work and coming back from work?

Wow 8 years! It is amazing that you saved your income for university and an overseas trip!

I am going to try to apply, but I am nervous for the interviews. I just freeze when someone asks me a question anywhere, in school or outside of school, I don't know what happens, but I get this weird feeling. I try to talk, but the words come out as a whisper or I don't say anything. My mind starts reminding me of all my mistakes and the voices in my head tell me about how stupid I am. I just can't do it. My parents were quite angry for this school interview and I hardly answered a question. In all my assignments for presentations, they have been all below standard. No one understands, it is really embarrasing too.

Does that happen to you too?

How are you? How is your daughter doing? How are your firends doing?

I hope you, your family and friends are doing well.

Warmest wishes and love,

Your friend forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Dear Neerja

Not so much when I was younger... it happened completely after the traumas about 10y ago.
I couldn't string a complete sentence together.... at all. I "lost" words I KNOW I knew "before"... I was shaking 24/7.... THIS is when I believe the PTSD set in big time.

This is basically what I learnt...

We can have traumatic events happen....

Then we can go over and over these events which causes more trauma.

SOME TIMES the trauma severs the synapses in our brain from our working (talking, focussing, activity) part of our brain - our frontal lobe.....

from our long term memory (our stored vocabulary and stuff we KNOW we knew)...

It's the amygdala in the centre, what's left of our reptilian brain, that flares up and makes a "fright, flight, freeze" reaction via hormones...

The thing to do is to CALM that reptilian brain.

We DON'T have predators after us. If we do then our amygdala serves us well lol!

You can do run through rehearsals in your mind over and over again of an interview.
CALMING your amygdala, telling it there's nothing to be afraid of.... you are SAFE.

Activating your frontal lobe to do all the talking!
Get your lines ready of what you may say to for example 5 different questions.

No one EVER gets all the questions right lol.

Basically what Officeworks or any employer wants to know is the following:
* You are TRUSTWORTHY
* You are PUNCTUAL
* You are RELIABLE
* You will be pleasant to CUSTOMERS
* You will be OBEDIENT to your bosses.

If you think of an example for each eg.... "My teachers know they can trust me as they give me independent work to do and I do it" (really SIMPLE stuff)...

Then rehearse these one liner. Do 5 sentences using those words... trust... on time... reliable... pleasant kind demeanour for customers... obedient....

You'll romp it in lol.

Being so young, NO ONE expects you to have all the answers, they basically just want to know you won't destroy their reputation and steal all their money! LOL.

Please look up "Power Poses" I think it's a TED talk and get up out of your chair and PRACTICE these - it works a TREAT!

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

It sounds really hard and scary. You went/are going through so much.

You are right amygdala serves us well when there are predators haha

I will try rehearsing the interview and making sentences for the words trust, obedient, on time, reliable, pleasant kind and punctual.

Haha, the funny thing is that I am none of those things, in my resume, I am lying and in my interview, that's why I don't deserve the job. I am just using the words in this morrisby test.

You made me laugh when you said how no one expects you to have all the answers, they basically just want to know you won't destroy their reputation and steal all their money! Hahaha 😄

The thing that makes me the most scared is going outside the house and seeing so many other people. I usually stay inside and in closed doors all of the time.

I really enjoy TED Talks, I recently heard this one about How School Makes Kids Less Intelligent. I will definitely look up Power Poses. Thanks Ecomama! 🙂

How are you? How is your daughter doing? How are your friends doing?

I hope you, your family and friends are doing well.

Thank you so much for being my friend and being here.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja