Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[hellohi]

Hi,

Today, I listened to two Maharaji Prem Rawat videos, I really liked them.

Thank you for recommending them. 🙂

[white knight]

That’s great Neerja

He has many videos.

He became famous at 9 years old!! How?

Well in his Indian village all the people were mourning the loss of their leader,crying was everywhere, he climbed a fence and yelled out to stop crying but instead rejoice and celebrate his life. By 13yo he was on television. He now tours the world giving lectures.

He is very wise.

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Wow! He made an impact on his society at such a young age. I think now he is a global peace ambassador.

This is my favourite quote that he said "Happiness is your own treasure because it lies within you." And "life is a tide; float on it. Go down with it and go up with it, but be detached. Then it is not difficult."

Do you have a favourite quote?

Thank you for telling me about his videos. 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Hello Neerja

I understand what you mean by finding it hard to try to remain feeling full when the things that bring you the most joy are not available to you at the moment, that your basketball is on hold and that you are not able to be at school and have some time to do the things you enjoy, I think that is why during this time we really have to find some other things that make us smile and maybe for you, this may mean including your little brother in these activities so that you can have some fun, he can have some fun and the fact you do have to take care of him is not such a chore. You could do some painting with him and even get some chalk and do art on the street to make people feel happy as they walk past, I think he would enjoy this too. Maybe then after you have spent some time with him he will be able to be occupied by your mum or by TV or the likes so that you have time to do your school work too. I am not sure if this works for you but you could try to put some ear phones in to try to block out some of the noise while you are trying to do your school work. Remember also, and especially now, if you are struggling you can always email your teacher and ask them to explain further, to let them know you don't understand and if you could have some extra help, afterall , that is what they are there for.

Being 14 should your parents divorce you will have to live with either your mother or father as yes, you are not old enough to live on your own, however, let's not try to worry about this situation and think about what will happen, as it may not, it might and we can talk about it then, but running scenarios around about "what if" sometimes cause us pain for no reason. I totally understand that the thought of your parents parting ways is upsetting, and you don't want this but let's not try to solve a problem that isn't here.

I love my pets..50..omg..that is soo many, I have three cats and they are a handful, I have no idea how one would take care of 50. I have a tabby and her name is Rayven, she is super cuddly and in fact is lying here with me now, I have a ginger and white little girl and her name is Poppy and her sister who is Aimee who is white mostly with a little bit of tabby and ginger, they are really naughty. They do provide us with so much joy but they are alot to take care of. The funny thing with cats is that mostly the affection is on their terms, so they are a bit arrogant like that..

Chat some more to you really soon Neerja

Sarah

[white knight]

Hi Neerja

Some quotes I’ve made up myself

But I also write poetry

INFINATE WEALTH

to Neerja

We listen to those evil ones

the slim, the liked and the blessed

She could wear her favourite outfit

snd theyll laugh at how she’s dressed

And so life in the human world

its worse than what you’ve heard

thats why I’d rather be devoted

to saving a baby bird

Of all the things life throws at us

like what others snicker and say

it All disappears in an instant

when that baby bird flies away

For to nurse an injured animal

to help it back in health

is to provide a gift of life

and that is ...infinite wealth..,

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Wow! You should be a professional writer. Did you write the poem right on the spot?

I wrote this poem a few months ago.

 Perspective Luck.
I looked at myself in the mirror and the reflection seemed like a stranger.
This stranger laughed at others, made comparisons with itself and others and criticised them.
I was popular.
Part of a club that I just couldn’t quit.
I wasted time, slipping through my fingers.
What was my perspective?

I believed luck was a decision already made.
It was how many coins could fit in our hands.
Appearance was like a medal we wore around our necks.
It was what society defined us, which was determined on how lucky you were.
Was this my perspective?

One day, I didn’t know that driving at this speed would change my life forever.
The bus going to my swimming race flipped like an acrobat at the circus.
After that I felt like an internet connection being disconnected from the world.
From our group I was badly damaged among all of my mates combined.
I was unlucky.
Was this what my perspective deserved?

As soon I woke up, the noises of everyone echoed around me, surrounding me like a thunderstorm.
I was alive, I satisfyingly murmured to myself.
I saw tears running out of my parent’s eyes.
I felt like a flu, affecting everyone around me.
My taste sensations, my speed were all ruined, but worst of all face was completely destroyed.
I couldn’t even recognize who I was anymore.
My life was now a darkened sea, full of problems.
What this my perspective?
The day I went back to school, everyone stared at me like I was an unrecognizable monument, or a freak.
I felt like an object, something that had no use.
My eyes were raindrops from a cloud.
I remembered my old self, someone who was lucky and respected.
Not unlucky, like my new self.
The club I was part of, judged me endlessly.
I felt that my life was a fashion show, where there were judges critiquing every contestant.
Well it was payback to me, it was what I deserved.
The other students, that I judged came and stuck by my side.
Like glue and paper.
They defended and challenged the comments that the others made.
I felt lucky.
When they came back to me, I smiled and said ‘life is a stage for everybody, but would you help me not be the villain and be part with you.’
They smiled in a forgiving manner back to me, which gave me my answer.
This was how a perspective should’ve been.

Since then I understood the real meaning of luck.
I was lame and ungrateful with what I had.
Now when I think of luck, it was the prosperity that I earn each and every day.
Not with wealth, but with the success I achieve by learning something new.
Luck is the support given by others.
Luck is being accepted.
But what luck means to me most of all, is a simple forgiving for my mistakes.
My perspective.

[hellohi]

Hi,

My brother and I always do an activity together for an hour before I have to go to do some schoolwork. Sometimes, we watch his favourite show, or doing colouring, or play a board game. But, my house is always noisy someone is always yelling and my mum doesn't let me listen to music, it has been the same since I was younger.

Do you think I should talk to my school counsellor? It feels so uncomfortable and weird when I do.

During these holidays, I have been experiencing these thoughts of going away and I'm always crying at night. Before the school holidays, I had these thoughts but not as much as now. Last night, I had this dream where I am in a coffin and no one is there at my funeral and found my pillow wet with tears.

Wow, your cats sound so cute and lovely. My neighbour has 2 cats which are always in our backyard. I remember in year 2, a stray cat always came to our house and I used to sneak out milk from the house to feed her.

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Hey Neerja

Sorry for the late reply, I am happy to hear though that you have been doing some fun things with your brother. I think this will give you some nice time together, break the boredom of isolation as well as keep him somewhat busy while you can get to do your study. That is really frustrating that you don't have a quiet place to study, did you like the idea of perhaps putting some ear phones in, do you think that this may help even a little?

I know you mentioned feeling weird about it but I think talking to the school counsellor is a great idea, and especially if you are struggling with studies due to issues at home, it helps the understand that you are having some issues and they can work out a way to support you and to help you through this time. It is difficult to speak about these things but you can always show them these posts as you have explained things so well, you could write them down even and pass them to him/her if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Those dreams sound very distressing, do you think that perhaps you could do something nice like look at the "calm" app or even read something nice so as you can try to give your brain a nice thought to go to sleep on. I can hear your pain and I am so sad to think you are crying at night, that is really hard.

You are such a sweet person, to sneak some milk out to the cats and give them a treat, they would have been so fond of you and I am sure always hanging around waiting for your next treat, that is really delightful. My cats are very spoiled, my son loves them so much and is always giving them treats too. They are such sweet companions.

That is a real shame that you are not able to listen to some music Neerja, there is real joy in it and I find alot of happiness in music, they also remind me of times in my life too. I am sorry you have not got this also.

I hope that you are happy tonight and I look forward to chatting some more to you.

Sarah

[hellohi]

Hi Sarah.

That sounds so great that your son has a strong connection with your cats and your cats sound so friendly.

Before school holidays, I have talked to my school counsellor about having negative thoughts about my weight and unhelpful thoughts, but I felt so uncomfortable, I ended up lying to her and I couldn't tell her everything that was going on, I have never mentioned those dreams and thoughts, I feel embarrassed and scared. What if she exaggerates them and tells my parents? Also, whenever I talked to her she always gave me a worksheet on thoughts and I wasn't able to make myself feel emotionally light by talking to her about how I feel.

A few months ago, I had to do email counselling with someone from the reach foundation. As my school took the entire year 9 to the reach seminar and embarrassingly and stupidly I cried in an isolated place, I just couldn't control it, but a counsellor found me and started talking to me and suggested to talk through email. She thought I had body dysmorphia. And before I used beyond blue, I talked to someone from kids helpline who thought and diagnosed me with depression. Its too overwhelming, talking to counsellors face to face, as sometimes I get socially anxious, or by email, and getting diagnosed with things.

Some days go pretty well and I don't have those thoughts other days a small argument or minor problem makes me think about dying, I don't have a plan or anything and I don't act on these thoughts, but these thoughts just come and go. It is weird.

What is the calm app? I have never heard of it.

Neerja

[white knight]

Hi Meerja

Yes I wrote it just then.

I have written about 300 poems, tried to get them published without success

So now I put my poetry to good use. There is also a poetry corner on this site- use the search bar. Some of mine are there. Including humorous ones like - THE MALE BLACK WIDOW

You have poetry talent, they are your inner thoughts. Aaronsis and I are discovering your qualities and know that you are a far better person than you give yourself credit for. In years to come you’ll bloom fully and be stronger.

Your nature is set in concrete, it won’t go away, just like that thread

accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion

Embrace yourself, like yourself... give yourself a chance to be happy. It’s not all your fault you are feeling low.

Im proud of you.

My wife is so much like you in nature and she is my princess.

TonyWK