Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[white knight]

THE BLACK WIDOW
The male black widow spider
tried all his life
he tried to tickle the hairy legs
of his much larger black widow wife
Then finally he had a win
something at last to gloat
she began to laugh aloud
as his leg slid down her throat
Poor male black widow
was always going to get into strife
all because he didnt understand
the nature of his hairy wife....
WK

[hellohi]

Wow over 300 poems, you are a dedicated and passionate author.

The Black Widow is a beautiful and meaningful poem. It shows how many times you may try to understand someone, you may end up doing what your habit is, which in this case is violence. I think you should keep trying to get your poems published. JK Rowling received many rejections to get her books published but now she is a famous author. I think you would become a famous and phenomenal author. You add uniqueness, meaning and relation to everyday life to your poems, which not many authors do.

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Hi Neerja

I understand that talking to the school counsellor can be a little overwhelming but I am sorry to hear that it made you feel uncomfortable, and to the point that you did end up lying, of course this as you know kind of defeats the purpose of seeking some support if you feel you cannot open up honestly. However, they are also not there to make you feel uncomfortable either so maybe the school counsellor is not the right person to connect with you? How would you feel about calling Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800? They are skilled in aiming support to youth and young adults so they might be a better fit for you and you might find too that being on the end of the phone you can open up more.

I know too that you are worried about confidentiality and the people you talk to and confide it telling your parents, I understand that, however, unless you are in extreme danger, or you mention something that puts someone else in extreme danger then your confidentiality is protected. The helplines are there for this very reason, to support, to guide and to assist people try to feel comfort and to find solutions to feeling better when they feel so helpless and hopeless, not to report back to your parents to "dob" so to speak.

I am so happy that the Reach program was offered to you and that you got to attend, I am sorry that you did get upset, however it is so wonderful that a counselor found you and supported you. How did you go with them when you reached out via email? Did you find that they could help you through some of the concerns you are having with your weight? Body Dysmorphia is a very heartbreaking illness and I really feel for those that suffer the pain that goes with viewing their body in a way that is negative, hateful and sometimes not accurate. I really feel like this is something that needs a conversation with a medical practitioner and to have someone who can offer some medical support and guidance, I would love for you to feel love for your body and feel good in the skin you are in, you deserve happiness Neerja.

The 'Calm " app can be found in the app store, check it out, it has some really cool thing to help centre and also relax your mind, to take your thoughts of the negative for a while and give you some peace. There are some great sounds that I love, like rain and thunder, there are also things to look at to start to put you to sleep, have a look I would be interested to see what you think.

Chat some more really soon

Sarah

[hellohi]

Hi Sarah,

I feel very uncomfortable talking on the phone, but I have used kids helpline webchat. It didn't really help me out, I felt like the tone of one of the counsellors was rushed and didn't want to talk to me.

Can I talk about suicidal thoughts with the school counsellor and our conversion will still be kept confidential?

I talked to one of the counsellors at Reach, through email, who gave me some resources, websites (i found out about beyond blue with her help) and other helplines and she called my school, to arrange a school counsellor for me. She was very nice and she was the first person who I openly talked about how I felt about myself, my family, my friends and my life in general. If I talk to a medical practitioner, then my parents will have to know, it will feel so uncomfortable and embarrassing. When my parents found about me having to talk to a school counsellor they won't happy.

My parents always check my phone, (i use a laptop for beyondblue), they will ask me about it and make me delete it. I find the sound of rain really calming I always fall asleep when I hear the rain.

Neerja

[white knight]

hi Neerja

I have realised, through you opening up to Aaronsis and I, that you have s distinct taste for certain things. Poetry, seeking the truth, questioning why and so on.

This is likely more important than you realise. These qualities define you, they mount up to develop into your personality. In a few short years until you are 18-20yo you’ll know more about yourself.

For example: parents aren’t perfect, over time you will focus on some of their negatives then stand up to them with a strong case for criticism. On the flip side there will be a level of acceptance for some flaws, this is what I call a “trade off”. It’s when you tolerate some irritating aspects of people to appreciate the overall benefits of having them in your life.

Bare in mind you might well be working by then and renting your own space.

You have many good qualities, they are just out of your vision

TonyWK

[hellohi]

Hi,

The only reason I was able to open up to you and Aaronsis, was because of the support, advice, kindness, acceptance and detail in the replies you both gave me. Since the first post, I feel a bit better. One time in my life I felt this sense of acceptance. I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much. 🙂

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Hello Neerja

I am so very happy to hear that you feel accepted here, that you feel supported and cared for, that is the very reason that this forum exists, to provide these things for our community, for you. You are anonymous so therefore can express and communicate feelings and thoughts freely, which is very liberating.

I just wanted to talk to you about your question with regards to suicide and suicidal thoughts, I will try to keep this as light as possible as this is a very sensitive and serious topic, I also don't want to make you feel uncomfortable either. From my understanding there is a difference between having thoughts about suicide, suicide ideation, and then having an actual plan, with detailed steps to action, and then knowing when one will execute this plan. Both are very serious but as you can imagine the conversation and action from others, support people, family etc are different. I actually don't know the answer to your question if the school would report conversations about suicide to your family so I cannot answer with knowledge, however there would be a difference in talking about suicide V's talking about the want to take your life. Can I ask you though Neerja, are you safe? Is suicide something that you think about as a topic or as a way to end your pain in which case you feel you will act? I am sorry if this is confronting to you, I want to make sure you are safe and that you have support in these times. Kids Helpline may be an option too to have a conversation about this, I hear you when you say you don't like talking on the phone, it is hard, but remember, it is a very important topic, you life is important, you are important and you matter, staying safe matters and having someone to talk to matters.

Listening to the rain is beautiful, I love it too, the sounds of the water hitting the roof, the wind rustling the trees, it is so peaceful and I really love it.

Do you have any plans for doing something that will make you feel good today, something to bring a smile to your face? I am considering another painting.

Chat to you soon Neerja

Sarah xx

[hellohi]

Hi Sarah,

I don't have an actual plan or anything. Sometimes I just have these thoughts, I am safe, I won't act on these thoughts. Would I be able to talk to Kids Helpline about these thoughts through web chat or is it only by calling?

I was thinking on doing schoolwork to catch up in my classes. Painting sounds fun. Did you paint the bunny rabbit? It is so cute and I love the flowers.

Neerja

[Aaronsis]

Hello Neerja

I am so very happy to hear that the thoughts are just that, that you don't have a plan, that you are safe and you can assure me you are going to stay that way. I am very very happy to hear that. If anything does change though, your first call would be to get an ambulance to come to you, just so you know.

Kids Helpline are wonderful and I know that you have felt rushed and the calls haven't gone as expected before, however, give them another shot, it really does differ depending on if you connect with the call taker at that time. You can most certainly web chat and you can open up to them about your thoughts, this is a great place to get some support, here is the link if you like:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

Catching up on school work sounds like a good idea, anything that can take the pressure of school and homework away is great, so that is good. Yes, I did do the Easter Bunny painting..he is ok I guess, I am not very good at the whole painting thing but I enjoy it so I will keep going, it makes me happy.

Chat some more and I hope that the web chat goes well for you Neerja.

Hugs

Sarah

[hellohi]

Hi Sarah,

I will try Kids Helpline today, thanks for the link.

The bunny rabbit painting is so good, it's more than just ok. I love the colours and details you included. Painting is like a visual diary, it makes you feel relaxed, calm and it stimulates the creative mind while also relieving mental strain. It is such a great way to tell a story and life journey without words. It's like talking to paper or canvas and telling it what happened or what is in your mind by painting.

If these thoughts do change, I will remember to call an ambulance.

I hope you enjoy painting and hugs to you too,

Neerja