Passive suicidal behaviour

[Supermum]

When you dont want your family to know the truth about how you feel  or you just want to ensure your family are provided for then passive suicide is what you move into . To increase the risk of harm so that it was an accident is the explanation given.
Are passive suicidal thoughts  worse than active suicidal thoughts? Because they are so well hidden and masked they are unseen and passed over . When life just is too much ? 

Thoughts ?

[Supermum]

Please accept my apologies for my delayed reply . I always appreciate your insight and honesty as I am not one to like to beat around the bush or have the softly softly approach. 

I have had a challenging week that had left me self harming alas something I have not done in a while. 

I am not in control when it comes to my emotions if something or someone triggers a certain emotion it’s like an emergency button being pressed and I am no longer in control .. the rest of me is . The side of me that then battles to maintain order whilst the rest of me wants to cause chaos and disorder.
The rest of me feels reckless and free to be angry hurt people say what I want to say because that side of me won’t let me and I want to say it.

I feel like this that the rest of me is pushing fighting to the surface to release her wrath . Sitting there just waiting for that one emotion or series of emotional triggers to puncture a hole while that side of me is occupied elsewhere.
The agitation, the racing thoughts, the panic to maintain that side of me. That’s why self medicating and harming is so effective it’s like keeping a wild dog under control.  

It’s been a cascade of events from my daughter being brutally honest and then Anya had a challenging episode that just added to the emotions on already flimsy ground. I am vulnerable tearful and I just want to let everything spill from me . To empty like toxic rancid fluid that has surrounded my family seeping into its pores and eating away at anything happy and peaceful. The rest of me is that rancid putrid fluid.

I want to inflict pain and humiliation on myself I am vile. 
L

[white knight]

Hi,

Desperate yes, sorrowful yes, sensitive likely, disenchanted perhaps but "vile" no, sorry, you'll never be vile, that's a reaction to how disappointed you are in yourself for whatever reason.

Think of yourself as a ocean liner thats lost her rudder. Until that rudder is repaired you are not going to track well. but the ship is ship shape. In the meantime self praise is important as is personal treats/gifts.

Other people can be "brutally honest but that means they are honest without the tact you require. It matter nothing how other people can handle such direct approaches but I'm the same, brutal honesty usually doesnt end well. It is imo perfectly reasonable to expect a good friend or relative to make consideration for someones mental state that requires a soft level of communication.

When others are unawar eof your level of desperation, self harm, suicidal thoughts and so on, that is not a good thing and the reasons is that every person close to you deserve the opportunity to help be it more tact or more regular contact to check up on how you are feeling. Obviously there is a limit others can do before relying on them must cease and professional care take over. And these friends and family we are only talking about their listening and supporting for short periods, not to take the place of a counsellor. It isnt right to have expectations of people that are not aware of the situation but it is fair and reasonable to expect some low level of concern. Unfortunately this forum exists as there is a gaping hole is society with showing concern. The best thing is to imagine a reverse- if your daughter was suffering from similar acts and thoughts, you'd want to know yes? you'd prefer that that getting a call in the middle of the night that she is under care. ?

From my experience and that includes jobs like prison officer, security etc when younger and I was soft in nature, I realised I had to fight hard to prepare my mental strength in order to survive against people in general. Sensitivity does that, makes you a victim every time and for some reason a high percentage of humans identify that in you and capitalise on it. But, to change your nature isnt easy hence why professional help is essential.

TonyWK