Dear Lost-Cause~
I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum, life has certainly been very hard on you and I'm not in the least surprised you think you may have left things too late for life to improve and have given up.
Although my PSTD, anxiety and depression (I was a policeman) convinced me that life could never be worth living it turned out those feelings were wrong, my life is now mainly enjoyable and I'd not want to give it up.
Look, I'm not having a competition with you on who has the worse physical symptoms - you certainly do -although I too have limited movent, incontinence and other similar problems I've learned, after despairing, to get round them as much as is possible. I'm only saying this becuse the physical problems, at least for me were secondary, my mental anguish was the primary ruler of my life.
PTSD etc is, as I said, a huge influence and need as much done to address it as possible. I finally found the correct medication and therapy and over time symptoms reduced a lot - rare flashbacks and less dwelling on past sights and events, less distrust, more motivation. Do you believe you are obtaining skillful help in that area? you are in charge and entitled to make judgments and changes if you think it necessary, I did as one particular psychologist simply did harm and another did nothing.
Being stuck inside and isolated (except possibly for carers) is terrible, I wonder if there is some solace in that you are in contact wiht your eldest two sons, even under difficult circumstances. Is there any way you can interact with others, electronically if not in person? It may be there is a ex-law enforcement group to which you can belong where you can be an equal, at least on social media.
I find it somewhat encouraging that you enjoy humor (ua couple of your jokes might not have been exactly suitable here). Don't let that stop you from sharing the less "broad" ones, one I really enjoyed.
Actually a comedian stopped me as I was about to take my life. I heard a joke on the TV I"d heard before and particularly enjoyed. It remained me I could enjoy something, and that was a start.
Having been in law-enforcement, having to expereince relationship issues and great physical disability you life will have given you a wealth of knowledge based on expereince. That can be harnessed, it has great value in the right areas and leads to satisfaction. I'm reluctant to say how I've manged to do that as I value my anonymity, however I certainly do and am respected.
Please do not think I'm in any way suggesting there is a magic 'fix' however things can improve incrementally.
I would like it if we could talk some more.
Croix
