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Not special
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It's a pretty common story, nothing special about me and everyone I have ever come in contact with feels the same way. Childhood wasn't great but certainly could have been worse but I've never had a kind or encouraging word from anyone my whole life so wouldn't have a clue what a compliment feels like. Blah so dramatic yuck!! I'm 43 now and cannot stand myself physically or mentally and the worse thing is that I know I don't have it as bad as some so suck it up princess, right, but it's not that simple, it would be better for people in my world if I 'went away' certainly would be better for me but there are some people who would be 'disadvantaged' so I stick around, you know. This sucks, I wish just one person could look me in the eye and tell I was worth something, wasn't ugly wasn't fat, had intelligence....you know as part of my work I give guidance and encouragement to others and I see the smiles on their faces, I know how important is especially when you've never had it
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There is nothing I want more in this moment than to look you in the eye - You are beautiful. You never have to be skinny, and you are a frickin genius with a worth that is unfathomable.
I truly speak from the heart and also from sad experience at my mum taking her life this year and her letters to us saying identical things to the things you just stated.
There was a giant room full of people who would give anything to have the option to give their praise.
There is not a shadow of doubt in my mind that there would be a line of your friends, colleagues, those you have guided, and of course family, who would be happy to tell you what you need to hear, and mean it...please give them and yourself the opportunity to connect and share that love.
You matter, you are loved, and the world is a better place because you are in it.
Speak to someone about your doubts and let them help you, its okay to crumble no matter what life you have had - you dont need a reason to not be okay, and its not a competition to qualify for compassion and help. Life is flipping hard, fighting through it is exhausting and we appreciate those that crumble because they understand us when we inevitably crumble too.
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I suppose another way of asking 'How am I special?' can be 'What is my specialty?'. By the sound of it, your specialty is in raising others. So, down the rabbit hole we go, to find out about all your specialties. An obvious few specialties, to begin with
- You're sensitive. You can sense far better than others, perhaps including being able to sense what's depressing. Yes, a blessing and a curse in a way, being able to sense to deeply and so easily. When you can sense far better than others it can definitely pose problems at times. One problem involves being able to sense the dismissive nature of insensitive people. Say to any insensitive person 'Can you feel that?', someone bringing you down, and they may say 'It's all in your head'. Hmmm🤔 Ask another sensitive person the same question and what you may get is 'Hell, yeah, I can feel it. What the heck is wrong with that person?! Why would they say such a thing?'
- So, being so sensitive, another one of your specialties relates to emotional intelligence. You sound incredibly intelligent. Being able to sense the need for compassion, the need to raise someone (perhaps to higher levels of self understanding and more), is a reflection of emotional intelligence. If you were to ask me whether I prefer to meet people of emotional intelligence or people of academic intelligence, it's definitely the first. For a start, they can be far less triggering😁
- Another specialty of yours would be 'You're a lighthouse person'. People who are experiencing dark times may tend to naturally gravitate towards you. Most lighthouse people can't see their own light, partly because they're so outwardly focused on trying to serve others. Being a lighthouse person means regular recharges are a must. Losing some brilliance or light can come with being drained by people in need (not intentionally). Managing your own energy is a must, especially when your giving it out to others. What may appear as a down time may actually involve the need to emotionally detach in order to recharge. So, it goes from being a down time (depressing time) to being down time (time out), so as to self serve and charge up again. Then, bamm, you're able to fully serve others after a recharge and a bit of self reflection that serves in the way of personal evolution
I imagine you're not just special but downright amazing. If you've ever amazed yourself when it comes to how intuitive you are or how you're able to naturally help people or how you can feel so deeply and easily the feelings of others, then you're officially amazing. If we can amaze our self, we don't really need anyone else to confirm we're amazing. We just simply are amazing, without having fully acknowledged this truth😊. Not sure whether it's your cup of tea but can't hurt to look into 'The challenges of being an empath'. Could be an enlightening avenue worth exploring in the way of self understanding.