Over it all all too much

[ktac1689]

I am in such a bad place right now, I know you are not a crisis service and not expecting crisis support. But I am done.

I was going to end my life last week. Stupidly told my therapist when she texted me that morning that I was going to do that. The day ended with me taken to hospital by police and undergoing assessment. I was scheduled but luckily managed to convince someone the next day that I was no longer feeling that way and was allowed to leave with follow up. I should have not have told my therapist what I was going to do. Then police etc would not have known and been chasing me.

I talked to lifeline last night and told them about recent events and plans I have. Thankfully not completely immanent or they would have called police too! But no more police, no more hospital and no more anything. I am tired of putting people through all this and just want to get it all over with. This has been dragging on for so so long and I am tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hi ktac1689,

We're sorry to hear that you're in such a bad place tonight. We can hear that you've been fighting really hard and we understand you might be feeling really tired. We are concerned for your wellbeing so we're reaching out to you privately to check in.

Remember that if you're in immediate danger that you need to call 000 (triple zero) as this is an emergency.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). It's good to hear that you reached out to Lifeline last night, although we would recommend that you are honest with them about how you are feeling so that you can best be supported.

We're all here to listen if you want to tell us more about what you're going through and how we can help support you at the moment.

[Croix]

Dear Ktac1689~

I’d like to welcome you back, I have read all of your previous posts I can and realize that you have been facing a very long road. I think you started talking with us in March after a particularly bad period around December and have has a fair amount on your plate. You do not live near your parents and friends, I’m guessing you miss them and the comfort your old normal life might supply – am I on the right track?

By coming back I’m hoping that means we help a bit, we are not typewritten characters on a page but real people with all sorts of hassles in our lives now or before.

You are finding it difficult to socialize as you have moved into a rural area -so all are strangers. On top being typical the medical facilities are second rate. That business over the doctor being on leave is terrible, unprofessional and highly thoughtless.

I realise you have been doing the intelligent thing, seeking medical help with GP and psychologist, Crisis lines and even looked for a local support group. Incidentally our 24/7 Help line 1300 22 4636 might be able to steer you to a group in your area or suggest how you find out - I did say “might”.

Can I ask you if you have any support at all on a personal level, partner, friends, neighbours, pet owners, people from work? Anything at all is good. If not maybe Skype you old friends and family if it is possible. Alone is not good

I too have been long term suicidal and quickly reached the stage where I became anonymous, being visited by police or similar and then taken to ER is a very traumatizing experience. Even worse to be let go the next day with a referral to a GP who might not see you for a fortnight.

Still looking back, it was only telling the truth to someone else, the being admitted to hospital and medication that started to bring me right. (Yes it was public, but they do vary a great deal - can you check it out?

If you are finding your psych is not clicking with you then really you need another -yes I realise your options may be limited. You are the expert on you and can judge if they help.

Avoiding hospital is understandable, I’m not sure it is always a good idea though, while I’m not saying it is your road it was mine, and I am now in a life I would never have dreamed of.

Whatever else I would like you to come back and talk more -this has only been an ice-breaker. I am worried about you.

Croix

[ktac1689]

Thank you Croix,

Thank you for welcoming me back, yes it has been a very long road and I am very tired. I am a long way from most of my family and friends which is really difficult and yes I miss the comforts of my old life. Definitely.

Coming here definitely helps and you are all so much more than typewritten characters on a page. Yes medical services here are not that great here especially GP services, trying to get in to see one is almost impossible so I don’t bother anymore. I agree the conduct of the doctor was really not great.

My therapist has signed me off her service after last week as it has been decided I need higher level care. Good luck getting an appointment with Covid etc. The first available GP appointment is in 8 more days (originally was 2 weeks) with a GP I have seen once before and thought was ok. I need to get a referral to a psychiatrist to monitor treatment and medication. I have been put on special leave from work and need to see an independent doctor for workplace injury apparently.

I don’t have any support here at all especially since now on special leave - my workmates are ok but never really my friends or anything although they have offered some support. My friends and family are either in Qld or about 3 hours away. I do have regular contact with them though.

Yes getting taken to hospital by police was very traumatic and embarrassing and I don’t want to do that again. I did consider going to hospital but the thought of being locked away (they were going to schedule me) way too scary.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I am so tired of all this and feel I can’t do it.

Thank you for replying to me. I appreciate your time and caring.

[Croix]

Dear ktac1689~

My apologies if you have already considered this however is telehealth possible? Many rural areas fall into the right areas and there may also be some loosening of requirements due to Covid, I'm no expert on them, best you make your own inquiries.

I'll rabbit on about hospitals because they helped me, as I said maybe it is different for you, still at least I know them. I always managed to get into hospital on a voluntary basis, not the subject of an order, and I guess in the mind that makes a big difference, even if in practice one is 'entitled' to walk though a locked door -a battle I've had in the past and won.

Its not a bad place to change meds, at least if your psych is willing to keep in constant touch, and I found being away from the world made a lot of difference. I could look down from my high ward window at people scurrying along far below going though their lives, some good some bad. I felt remote from it all and that was soothing.

I'm not pretending it is enjoyable, far from it, some staff are slack, some patients noisy and very distraught. Still a kind nurse gave me books to read and that is what I did. Made a huge difference -an escape. Still do it.

8 days will go. Can you tell me what you used to like or enjoy? Hard to remember when you are so down, still it is worth knowing. I remember your safety plan was not up to much, mine is full of all sorts. Maybe you parents or other family might remember some you liked when you talk to them next.

Still more tame after that Dr to get hooked up with a psych I suppose, that's why I'm fishing for things you might enjoy and distract you when waiting - as if you did not know that:)

Comedy saved me, sounds dramatic but was not really, even though true.

I know I've sort of asked this before, but does any one person in your life stand out as someone who would listen often with patience, not offer half baked solutions and simply care - even via Skype?

Croix

[ktac1689]

Hi Croix,

Telehealth is probably how most if not all my psych appointments will be done for the moment. I am quite open to that.

I can see that hospital would have its advantages but I am nervous of it all nonetheless. I love to read though so could get through lots of time that way. And I can definitely see the advantages of psych monitoring meds in there.

I have an appointment with a GP in Qld so I can get a psych referral at least- should be able to do that by telehealth I am hoping.

I am planning to refuse To engage with our local mental health service after my interaction with someone on the phone there this morning. I have very little faith in them after my last encounter with them. I don’t know what sort of outcome that will bring.

I have my sister and another good friend I can talk to. They are great. I just have a lot of trouble reaching out when I’m that really negative space.
ktac1689

[smallwolf]

Hi. Just something in your last post struck me. You mentioned that it was hard for you to reach out when things are bad. I get that. My wife will ask me how my day was and I might grumble. The following question is "did you have a bad day?". Not her exact word but can't swear here. To which I will grumble some more. My problem is that it is hard to express how I feel which she might understand. And the thing might seem minor, but I make it into something huge.

In her own way she does care. And I am hopeful your friends are to.

When I was in a suicidal state a year or 2 ago, a guy would take me out for coffee once a week. I cannot remember if I would rant. But having someone who would listen is gold.

You would not be a burden.

[ktac1689]

Thank you

[ktac1689]

With all the recent events - Aunty’s funeral, seeing my ‘mother’there and last week where I ended up in hospital I am in a very very bad place and thinking of ending things constantly. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear ktac1689

We are so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. We understand that having suicidal thoughts constantly must be very hard. If you feel it would be appropriate, we encourage you to call Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) for crisis support. If you ever find yourself in immediate danger, we encourage you to call emergency services on 000. Otherwise, feel free to keep posting about how you feel on here and hopefully communicating with others that have been in a similar situation will bring you some comfort and hope.