Hello to whoever's reading this.
I'm stuck. I'm 21 years old, and have been affected by depressive thoughts and suicidal ideation for quite some time now. Last year, I found out I was legally too late to abort an unwanted and unintended pregnancy. I was manipulated into keeping it, and I hate myself for it; I've never felt so empty or useless before. I never, ever wanted to have offspring, and--depsite what everyone's said--my feelings haven't and are not likely to ever change. Nobody seems to understand that. I feel so alone.
I want a hysterectomy so badly. I was only allowed to get a c-section instead of a natural birth because of a single male doctor who didn't treat me like dirt. I've always been afraid of doctors, and I know that I have to see one to get the surgery, but I also know that the chances of any doctor allowing me to have that kind of medical autonomy is ridiculously low. The prospect of getting a hysterectomy is the only thing keeping me around, but I don't want to "blackmail" anyone into doing it for me, either. It scares me I've come to terms with the possibility of getting shot down and the outcome of my actions if it doesn't happen.
I hate myself for being born with a uterus. I hate myself for having sex. I hate myself for being so sad all the time. I hate being so worthless. I don't know what to do.
My laziness is the only thing keeping me from acting on my thoughts, so I'm safe. Just aimless. I want to live my life instead of merely existing in someone else's. I want so badly to amount to something more than what I am.
