No other way out

[bluedots]

i've been essentially feeling suicidal for the past 6 weeks, triggered by falling terribly behind on uni work and still not having caught up even though assignments are due which i haven't started and i don't see myself finishing on time. i'm currently seeing a counsellor at my uni although we've only had a few sessions and i've always been terrible talking about my emotions with anyone, let alone a literal stranger. they know about my suicidal thoughts but not in terrible detail.

i'm considering presenting myself to the emergency department but i don't know what will happen after that. i'm worried about not being taken seriously considering i've never attempted nor do i actively self harm(i have mad impostor syndrome in other areas of my life + i kinda chickened out 2 weeks ago? i walked past the entrance and didn't end up walking in) i also don't exactly want my parents to find out (i still live with them and they are often overbearing and aren't exactly the worlds biggest mental health advocates)

[Sophie_M]

Hi bluedots,

Welcome to our friendly community - we're so glad that you reached out here tonight. It sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment. Please know that there is support available to you 24/7 to help you through this time. We're concerned about your wellbeing, so we are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support.

It's really important that if you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self harm that you present to an emergency room or call 000 (triple zero). It does not matter that you do not have a record of past risk, what matters is your current risk. If you are currently a danger to yourself, this is an emergency.

We would urge that you get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. They can also help support you and give you advice around presenting to the emergency room.

Please feel free to keep talking and keep us updated here, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Bluedots~

I'm very glad you came here, a good move. Feeling suicidal can happen for all sorts of reasons, and I've felt that way. Later on (much later) I've found the things that were really getting to me were only part of the story. They were blown out of proportion and became big threats.

The is no such thing as an assignment -or unit degree for that matter - that is worth your life. You are too precious to waste over something like that. The world has second chances for uni anyway (I re-went when much older and that time did well)

Trying to explain your innermost feelings to a stranger - even a counselor - can be hard, confusing and very frightening. I think you have done a good job getting as far as you have.

Can I suggest you do what I've done in the past, and that is write everything down over a few days in point form, then share the paper in your next session. That few days means you have the time to get it right and not leave bit out. It makes things an awful lot easier, you just answer questions, and you don't get the chance to skip over the embarrassing or frightening things (something I've been very guilty of in the past).

Can I suggest you get extensions on your assignments, or even defer a unit? Could be expensive but if it saves your life well worth it.

Rather than ED why not go to a GP with that list, and from there see how it goes? You may be referred for therapy, or any one of a number of alternatives. The GP may also be able to help you obtain those extensions.

Being frank and given the correct medical help was the start for me, and I'm sure it can be for you.

My other great help was finding someone I could trust and pour it all out, then have them care and be sensible - do you have anyone like that you could go to in your life? (I did read about your parents, OK maybe not them)

Please come back and talk some more, being alone makes things harder

Croix

[bluedots]

thanks for the reply first of all. i'm reconsidering my options,although i dont have a gp i see regularly. i'm terrible at talking to people in general,which is why I'm so hesitant

i know logically grades dont matter in the grand scheme of things but i guess i just dont want to fail. ive always been decently good at school and i guess thats always been the expectation,with uni as no exception. ive always been told that grades are the be all and end all of everything with taking longer to graduate extremely frowned upon. i guess that grades dont matter beyond your first job or so but i have nothing else going for me in the skills department besides grades and i dont have that anymore at this point. its far too late for me to drop without tanking the hell out of my wam, and i doubt the uni will grant extensions considering its my own fault for falling behind + one of my main concerns has been a group project which i havent been able to pull my weight in due entirely to my own stupidity. i have no diagnosis of anything and ive left things too late to get any special considerations for an assignment due literally this week. i dont have anyone who i can talk to irl (which is why i came here lol)

thanks for reading my posts it means a lot to me

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bluedots, 

We hear that it can be really hard to open up to someone about how we are feeling, we think you are being really brave by coming to the forums for support. It is a great start. We are really sorry you are feeling this way and we encourage you to conitnue to speak to the Uni about how you are going so they can support you.

If you feel like talking to someone you can always call BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. Kids Helpline are amazing and support young people up to the age of 25.

Please remember that if you feel unsafe this is an emergency and you should call 000. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[tranzcrybe]

Passing will increase knowledge, success will boost confidence, but failing shall build character.

If there is one shortfall in education in our formative years, it is the necessity to make mistakes and fail at times. These are often when the ramifications are small and yet we still learn a valuable lesson. In some respect the 'commercial' nature of schools/universities to secure the highest grades (and secure a solid reputation for themselves) tends to shun this attribute as the "pass at all cost" mentality sets in.

If denied over so many years, things can often come to a crisis - for some it's in their work/life balance, and for you it's in your tertiary studies. This can even extend into relationships and future aspirations as we try to emulate these ideals with dire consequences - failure on some level is inevitable in day to day life, but it is how you deal with it that really matters.

Sometimes failure at one thing is your mind telling you to redirect your focus and go where that energy takes you. This won't please everybody but you are the master of your own destiny and win, lose, or draw, at least you can be confident saying "I want to do things my way". This in itself is a worthy attribute to pursue.

[bluedots]

thanks for replying. i don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but you have a way with words that is very comforting, in a way.

that's a really interesting take on the education system, which i agree with and feel like if this were a more ideal world, that would be the mindset and therefore it would be more acceptable to fail and try again. however i am studying toward a fairly competitive industry, where a lot of people are very smart (i literally sit in group projects feel incredibly stupid) so it feels like grades are so so important when you don't have work experience or have the mental capacity to bring yourself to do extracurriculars or side projects. there's pressure from myself - i had gotten used to cruising and getting somewhat ok grades in high school (i was mediocre by my school's standards, but good by the state's standards) - and there's a lot of pressure from my parents to excel academically (since that's all that has ever been prioritised, and anyone who isn't 'smart' in a traditional sense is branded 'stupid' in my household.)

unfortunately it never feels like I am the master of my own destiny. I have never really known what I wanted from life, and until now, it never mattered what I wanted anyways, since everything was decided for me. (what subjects to study, what university courses were 'acceptable', what extracurriculars to do) even now, what i eat and when i wake up is beyond my control (i could refuse to obey but i'd get yelled at majorly for disobeying and for 'causing trouble') i guess a lot of my motivation is to please other people (especially my parents), but i have no idea what pleases me, at least in terms of my future, and the consequences of upsetting them is daunting to even think about.

i guess what's eating at me is i've never failed on such a level before, and if i keep going like this, it will be a permanent mark on my transcript, forever branding me as incompetent and unworthy of employers to even consider. i also just feel like i'm surrounded by people who just don't fail academically (all those hd wams on their linkedin profiles....) and can't help but think 'what if i put in more effort and got over my laziness and lack of motivation?'

[tranzcrybe]

You paint a grim picture indeed "forever branding me as incompetent and unworthy" - perhaps a little extreme if not totally false.
But I can understand how the external influences in your life can lead to that way of thinking (and constantly scouring others' linkedin profiles is not helping!).
What stage are you at in your course? If you have heavily invested some years, it's probably best to plug on through and then consider your options afterwards. Otherwise you may be building this 'phase' into a storm in reaction to your past outcomes and fear of disapproval - ie 'this is new and I don't like how it makes me feel'. It could be the wake up call you need for yourself and part of developing your own identity as you begin to question and ultimately take control of your own future.
Don't be afraid to accept your present limitation as being just where you are right now, and seek assistance from your peers and tutors (at Uni, I found them most approachable and supportive). It's a long term prospect and you will (hopefully) emerge with a completely different view to what you went in with.