Today is not a good day.

[Helarctus]

I'm not sure where things will fit, and I apologise in advance for any confusion I bring.

In spite of my efforts to be clear, I confuse. Everything feels like an overreach, that I have fumbled into better position than I deserve or earn. Sidestepped hardships by accident and fallen onto my feet at a run ahead of the starters gun. Lauded for crossing the finish line first when I didn't even know I was in the race.

Somehow even with all my luck, I am never enough for the things I strive for.

Position, promotion, purpose, pointless.

My arms shorten as raise them, fingers fail to fold around and grip, eluding. Everything I am is a dice roll in someone else's game.

The days are easier when I can accept I am less. Watching things unfold and filling minor supporting roles that create no risk of drama seems where I am most apt. My ego rises and I have to remember to punch it down. Jam my fist in my mouth and keep my head bowed. Rally against myself as the common enemy til I am numbed by the bruises and left in the corner.

Time to make another appointment.

Helarctus.

[james1]

Hello Helarctus,

You have not been confusing in this post at all, so please do not worry about that.

It sounds like you are really fighting against yourself here - you mention that things get better in your life, but that it doesn't feel like you deserved it or earned it, or were even aware that you were in the race or game. The feeling I get from your post is one of never being quite enough, of needing to hold back and an overall pointlessness to a lot of things you achieve in life.

It sounds really really tough.

Let us know how you go with your appointment. In the meantime, I hope tomorrow is a better day than today, and we're here to chat to you whichever way that goes.

James

[Helarctus]

Hello James1,

Each day is another I must make amends for, I apologise for any distress.

Regards,

Helarctus.

[james1]

Hello Helarctus,

There is no need to apologise. Rest assured, I am not at all hurt by anything you've said or done.

I hope this weekend is treating you better.

James

[Helarctus]

Yesterday was a good day,

I did not cry at the thought of getting up,

I did not cut myself shaving,

I did not smash the plates when there was no milk,

I did not burn my hands when washing my cup,

I did not break the glass when I poured water,

I did not let the panic attacks prevent me from picking the kids up for school,

I did not pump fuel onto myself at the petrol station,

I did not shut myself in the freezer at the supermarket,

I did not drive into the sunset,

I did not put my hand in the flame on the stove,

I did not drink all of the wine,

I did not forget my meds,

I did not fight back when woke upon the floor and ushered to bed,

I did not murmur aloud my prayers not to wake.

[quirkywords]

Helarctus

Thanks for your poem. It was moving and many reading it will be able to relate.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Helarctus, I'm sorry you're struggling a lot. I'm not sure what to say but please know I care.

[Helarctus]

Phone calls to support services and more appoints to have.

[quirkywords]

Helractus I like your avatar,.

Well done for contacting support services ans making appoints. How are you going. Thanks for keeping in touch.

[Helarctus]

They are my favourite animal.

The week persists, more check ins and precautions put in place.

Shadows chasing their own tail