Loneliness and lossing

[Hopegone]

Recently I have separated with my wife of 17 years, she kicked me out of our house and in 3 weeks I've only been able to see the kids for 1 hr. By the way I have severe depression. I can't keep friends because of my self-esteem and negativity so no friends. My mum also has depression and we are not super close but I have to stay at her house because I couldn’t sleep in the car any longer. I sit alone in my car or spend hours kicking the soccer ball at the local pitch because I'm making my mum really depressed (unintentionally) if I spend to much time with her and the only other family member I have communication with is my sister who lives pretty far away and only recently started to form a relationship but we are total opposites and can't talk to her about these kind of things. Anyway every night when I get back from work I have to find somewhere to go and avoid being seen by my wife and her parents or they get angry and the parents never liked my anyway. I still love my wife and miss the kids so much. I am really struggling with the loneliness and my wife has told me a couple of times after we planned when I could see the kids that for whatever reason the kids can't make it. So the only thing I have to look forward to keeps getting taken away and because of my depression and anxiety I think she is lying and I make things worse. Currently on meds and seeing a psychologist, new to both,  and I know they take time to help with my issues but I am really struggling to think of anything to give me some kind of hope in the short term and just have over bearing thoughts of self pity and loneliness with out hope. I'm having some thoughts about how I could end it all with out pain and suffering and no chance to get it wrong. I'm pretty sure I won't act upon these thoughts but the way I am and the way things are going I'm not so sure I'll feel the same if I keep feeling this way and I can get stop feeling so alone. I do social soccer once a week and it helps for 1hr then more loneliness for the rest of the week. There's more to my negative life but this is my main issue right now. Any advice or some thoughts of how I can overcome this loneliness and give me some kind of hope might be life saving. If anyone reads this and reponds thanks, I may not want to accept anyone's reply but just doing so helps to easy the pain and know someone cares somewhere.

[smallwolf]

I'm so sorry you are going through such an incredibly difficult and painful situation right now - it's alot to bear all at once. It's understandable to feel hopeless, consumed by the loneliness, and for those suicidal thoughts to creep in when the pain feels unbearable.

Hard as it is, please don't give up. You matter so much, and your life has profound value. And focus on taking it just one day at a time. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate this rocky path. I wonder what caring people you can lean on, whether a therapist, support group, helpline, or a trusted friend or family member?

Listening.