Life after attempt(s)

[Guest_2350]

Hi,

I survived an attempt lately that I still physically recover from. I understand now that you I could have died. I still don’t know if I wanted to die or if I just wanted peace from myself. I’ve been there before and that scares me. I don’t trust myself anymore. I have made changes in my life since discharge from hospital and trying to see ‘my new life’ in a positive way.

I feel a lot of guilt and shame because I hurt people, I did something that is morally wrong, I let people down, I felt humiliated when being treated...

I’m also shocked, I don’t actually know what feelings they are, they leave me empty and confused. I don’t feel like I’m ‘over’ this latest episode and I don’t want to talk to people around me because they’ve gone through too much with me.

Are there people out here who understand what I mean? What feelings are that? How did they move on?

Thank you

[Guest_2350]

Hi Sophie,

thank you. I have looked at the support groups but there is none in the country side. I had one social group but that hasn’t restarted since the first few weeks of covid.

I find reaching out harder and harder. It seems like an endless cycle. I feel I repeat myself so much and I’ve heard the answers before. I had interventions, learnt much and then it just starts again. I don’t even understand why.

[Guest_1643]

Hello Guest - I like the book
"Every Lie I've Ever Told" by Rosie Waterland - who has survived an attempt and it an inspiring trauma survivor.
There's also a comedy special and book by Corey White - he's a comedian who struggled with suicidality. His comedy special reached my heart, and hit notes of truth in me....
I am also always looking for stories of life after attempts.... it's true that there is life there, and healing and we need to remind ourselves that every day. Stay strong x

[white knight]

It's sad in a way, that people struggling like yourself often have less endurance and tolerance, even patience, to do the hard tasks which is required as part of the process for recovery.

Recovery rarely just happens although depression usually has cycles and you can rebound when coming out of one.

Google

Beyondblue topic the timing of motivation

Do you have hobbies, an interest, a pet?, children? All of such things provide a reason to exist. If not then you need some reason to exist. In my case it's building my house, my daughter and wife and helping others here that gives me satisfaction.

Keep chatting here is my suggestion. You be had great replies so far. We do care

TonyWK

[Guest_2350]

Hi sleepy,

thank you for sharing the reading.

Hi Tony,

thank you. It’s great that you’re building a house & about your family. Thank you for caring.

I used to have purpose.

In my job I loved helping people grow and developing new ideas and systems. I was one of those people that ‘do what you love and you never have to work another day in your life’. My job wasn’t the only thing good in my life, but I did love my job. Then I lost it due to mental health issues, was discriminated and basically lost my capacity to do my job, I haven’t got the mental capacity back, my brain is not working right.

I love(d) my kids, but they’re grown now, one lives overseas and the other one doesn’t speak to me anymore (because he thinks I’m crazy).

I love sports and I do walk and have just started swimming a few laps again. I loved swimming, running, weight lifting and riding my bike, but injured my neck. I’m starting slowly, differently.

My partner is supportive which is truly great, otherwise I’m distanced from people.

I do try to find new things, adjust to how I need to live now and have ideas about finding purpose, but it’s hard as I constantly have mental or physical setbacks.

I paint. Not for selling, but it keeps me distracted when I’m unwell. It’s the only grounding technique that works when I don’t feel safe in my body.

What frightens me are the times when my mind changes, when someone else (in my head) is in control. Every time I attempted suicide I don’t know why. I’m not ‘there’ when it happens. I track my symptoms and check my safety plan, but then I get unwell and don’t know why I live when life is just about surviving another day.

I don’t want to whinge and I do look at my negative thinking and positive things, but this is my story.

I’ll check out the link you shared.

Take care l.