Life after attempt(s)

Guest_2350 · ‎04-01-2021

Hi,

I survived an attempt lately that I still physically recover from. I understand now that you I could have died. I still don’t know if I wanted to die or if I just wanted peace from myself. I’ve been there before and that scares me. I don’t trust myself anymore. I have made changes in my life since discharge from hospital and trying to see ‘my new life’ in a positive way.

I feel a lot of guilt and shame because I hurt people, I did something that is morally wrong, I let people down, I felt humiliated when being treated...

I’m also shocked, I don’t actually know what feelings they are, they leave me empty and confused. I don’t feel like I’m ‘over’ this latest episode and I don’t want to talk to people around me because they’ve gone through too much with me.

Are there people out here who understand what I mean? What feelings are that? How did they move on?

Thank you

Jasjit · ‎04-01-2021

Hi Guest_2350,

I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I can definitely assure you I completely understand your situation, what you are even going through currently, and your emotions right now.

Well, a bit about my side. I had an eating disorder. I mean my BMI was severe! I was weak and anorexic. I was not hospitalized though. I had been blinded by the charm of social media apps like Instagram especially! What really happened was I really wanted to be ripped but somehow something went seriously wrong. I started losing muscle! But I couldn't see it. So back to the point, when I was weak my papa and mama kept on telling me that I am doing this wrong - they even told me to seek a professional, like a personal trainer! But I rejected that.

One day my papa and mama broke down in tears. They couldn't see me so weak! So then I started to seek a professional, got myself a personal trainer, and with the right nutrition - I have progressed a lot!

Anyways, during that time and now, I still have thoughts! I still feel guilty that I am not a good son to my papa and mama. That thought really bothers me. It is too much for me!!! I feel miserable! I feel helpless! One time I could not even take it! I did have some thoughts about suicide but those went away. What kept on bothering me was how could my perfectionism trait to pursue my bodybuilding goal harm my papa and mama. It is not even worth it!

This kept on going on for a long time. But one day I had to change this myself! I started creating alternative thoughts to my guilty thoughts. Kind of like a CBT. Did this for a couple of times and everything is going great! I still have thoughts about guilt - but I have learned to ignore them!

I hope I was a help to you! Even a little bit.

Please take care and looking forward to your response.

Guest_1643 · ‎04-01-2021

There is life after attempts.

I think the moral part of it is not for us to say - i hope you can forgive yourself or work towards that as see urself as a best friend

you were in pain and vulnerable

none of thatis a crime

What happened to me shows you need more support and are needing to find some peace and hope on ur journey

You can find those things .
You are worth it.

white knight · ‎04-01-2021

Hi, welcome

Well you are very brave to have gone through such an ordeal and you are indeed proactive enough to seek other avenues to find help and guidance.

I've been down a similar road, but this post is not about me. Let's say "I understand".

A priority for you atm is to try and accept that you cannot change the past. Those hurt by your attempt - well, at appropriate times you can return your gratitude. In the next few years some of them will need advice or support, you can offer that then and when they show gratitude you can say " well, I don't forget when I hurt you/you supported me etc. That's how friendships work. Your attempt is not your fault.

Time is a good healer but you can't rush time. Therefore introducing distractions, a passion and variety is a good strategy. "Moss doesn't grow on a rolling stone".

For myself as an example, a typical day might include- cooking, tinkering (I love inventing), walking the dog, BB forums, write poetry a coffee at a cafe etc. I certainly won't sit and watch television for longer than 2 hours or my mind wanders to negative.

I always turn negatives into positives. My traumatic road back in 1996 eventually led me here to answer your post and others. You might also find ways to utilise your past to benefit others in need.

Atm you are in recovery. Rest, consider options and leave the past where it belongs.

Please Google

YouTube maharaji prem rawat appreciate

Repost anytime

TonyWK

Guest_1643 · ‎05-01-2021

Hi Guest -
i have attempted previously and do understand

The fact that you are worried u hurt ppl - means u have loved ones who care.

It's impossible to go through life without hurting others.... we are all trying our best. You deserve happiness and recovery. I have been where you are. i know it is hard to forgive oneself. To process all that happened. It takes time and a safe space to talk

Well done on making the first step.

geoff · ‎05-01-2021

Hello Guest_2350, I am so terribly sorry about you trying to take your own life, as I am for anyone else, the problem is, do those around you know that perhaps it's actually not wanting to do this, all you want is for the pain to stop.

When you fail, the first thought that comes to mind is, how are people around you going to react, but it still doesn't block out the misery, anger, and hatred you feel within yourself and the worse part is for everybody asking why you tried, maybe that's none of their business unless it's to those you want to tell.

For anyone to criticise you without knowing the truth are people you don't need to associate with, at some stage their advice will only be derogative making the situation worse, these people you should stay away from.

The doctor I saw after the event certainly was not one I should not have seen and only visited him once until my psychologist returned, remember you must be feeling very tender and need all the care you deserve, we know how precarious this situation is for you.

Take care.

Geoff.

Guest_2350 · ‎11-01-2021

Hello All,

Thank you for your posts, your understanding and support. It means a lot to me to know that I am not alone. I'm sorry it took me long to reply, but I can only process little bits at a time. I'm working on trying to understand the shame associated with suicide attempts, as my beliefs about suicide and assisted dying are different to most. I do understand though that it would have a significant impact on others. I lost loved ones to illness, war and suicide.

Little steps.

smallwolf · ‎11-01-2021

Hi Guest_2350,

my thoughts echo those of Geoff.

Fwiw, and without getting techie and I will steal from Brene Brown, shame is like "I am bad" whereas guilt is like "I did something bad". I would not say you are baad. something happened would have really made you feel low to have to go to that length in order the remove the associated pain you felt. And I am not asking you to say what what was.

Have you looked at the information here ...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/after-a-suicide-attempt

Working through this time will take time (as WK said). And whatever you feeling now is OK. If you permit me to say.... please take care of yourself, the people in this community care very much about you.

Tim

Guest_2350 · ‎21-02-2021

Hi all,

I'm looking for stories of hope. Hope from people who have lived with

suicidal thoughts and attempts throughout their lives, either sharing their own experiences here or suggestions about what stories to read, what books to read.
I need hope, I need something to hold onto. I wish my thoughts would have just magically stopped every time I woke up in er or icu and seeing the

pain I caused everyone, but they?re back again. I have strategies to keep myself safe but it gets so tiring to improve a bit, live a bit and then fight every single day again to keep safe. My life then is just about keeping safe and it makes me very tired. I just need some hope to see it can change, it can get less intense. I just don?t know what to do differently anymore. I?ve stopped talking to my care team again, as I don?t know anymore how it can change and I?ve been told before that I have to change, I often just don?t know what else I can change.

Sophie_M · ‎21-02-2021

Hey Guest_2350,

It's great to see you participating in the Beyond Blue forums and we hope our community can offer some words of support and hope. We can hear that you're feeling really low at the moment. Please know that we are all here to support you. We are also sending you a private message with some extra support.

When was the last time you were able to speak with your care team? It sounds like it would be worth checking in with your prescribing doctor to let them know how you are feeling.

It sounds like you're in a really exhausting situation. If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd suggest joining some local support groups. You can find information on what support groups are available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.