Last Resort Harm

[calli_the_abnormality]

I hoped to not return to these forums. But I do believe I'm facing a serious problem that I wish to receive advice on. The nature of this post isn't positive in any means and may leave you feeling disturbed. I don't wish that upon anyone accidentally reading an excerpt while scrolling, so here's a warning that this post will contain thoughts and intent of self-harm, anxiety and depression and in general, me being paranoid as usual.

I'm facing the possibility that I'm returning to self-harm as coping mechanism. I'll admit it, I haven't been clean for very long, being almost 2 weeks without acting upon my malicious thoughts. I self harm to stop myself from crying, to not make a fool of myself, to not panic, to not eat weird in public, to not to anything that draws attention.

These first couple of weeks back at school have been an uppercut to my face. I've chosen my subjects for next year and started a new study regime in order to keep my place in english extension. I had to have a meeting with my math teacher due to the bold D-grade screaming in my face on my report card. Neither of these events had negative results, both were relatively neutral. But I felt a pounding ache in my throat and chest whenever the future was mentioned. The future where I'll be in ATAR working as hard as I could so I could go to university. But what if I'm not good enough, like I am now. What if even with my best efforts, with countless sleepless nights, overcoming my laziness and procrastination for my exams, it's still not acceptable.

Something happened only yesterday that shocked me. Another one my friends, is grappling with suicidal thoughts. What. What do you mean I might have to report what she says? What do you mean she might do something she'll regret? I've dealt with these sorts of thoughts before, but now I'm not on the receiving end. What am I supposed to do? She doesn't really want to die, does she? I don't want to draw attention to myself, this isn't about me, but my urges are getting worse. I was on the verge of tears for an hour after I first heard about the situation. I sincerely hope that she's doing alright.

[Sophie_M]

Hi calli the abnormality, 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us on the Beyond Blue forums, it must have take a lot of courage to write it all down and we want to thank you for being so brave. We can hear that you are feeling under a lot of pressure right now and that school is really stressful. We are sorry it is making you feel this way, but think that reaching out is a great step towards feeling better.

We are sorry to hear about what is happening with your friend, it sounds like you are doing a great job of being there for them. We hope that you can look after yourself at the same as you are supporting others. 

We think that it is really important that you talk to someone about these thoughts and feelings, especially in relation to self harm. You can call us on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline 13 11 44, or KidsHelpline 1800 55 1800. There are also webchat options if thats easier than a phonecall:

Beyond Blue
KidsHelpline
Lifeline

It can be really tough to make the step to make a call but the people who answer the phone are kind and helpful. They speak to people about this everyday and can offer useful advice. You don't have to go through this alone. 

We also think it would be good to talk to someone in your life that can support you. This could be family, a school counsellor or a trusted friend. 

Thank you again for posting to the site, you never know who else might see your post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Aaronsis]

Hi calli_the_abnormality, I hope you don't mind if I just go with calli?

Welcome and it is so beyond brave of you to share how you are feeling and what is going on for you, not are you managing your own issues but you are having someone lean on you for support too. I have a few things I would like to chat with you about so it may take a few posts, I hope you would like to chat, but ok if you don't feel up to it too.

So let's start first with your friend, I think it says so much about how caring and what a great friend you are that they have confided in you and the questions you raise here are very valid, the only person that can answer them is her. I have put a link here about some suggestions on how to talk to someone who has expressed that they are feeling suicidal, maybe check this out and see if there is anything that may help you in talking to her:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicidal

Also you can just message her and say that you have no idea what to say but you are there for her and you care and that she is your friend and you will listen. Sometimes that is enough to start a conversation.

With regards to your self harm I was thinking that I would also put a link here to a thread where people are talking about what they do instead of taking to hurting themselves, that might be helpful to provide you with some things to distract or to cope in times when you feel so sad or like you are panicking, the things you described in your post:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/instead-of-harming-myself-i-now-(list-three-of-four-dot-points)

School is tough and so much more stressful and full of pressure. What to do when you leave? What subjects to choose? To be performing when you feel so overwhelmed. I am thrilled to hear though that you have put a study plan in place, that is a great start, however, at the end of the day you can only do what you can do and if this means that you get a D well so be it. If you can give it your all and D is what you come out with then fine. I know that this might not align with dreams to go to Uni or what other people want for you, but being academic is not the be all and end all of life either. There are many pathways these days to a successful career. You are good enough, you are plenty good enough, a score on a test does not determine your worth, not now and not ever!

I hope to chat some more to you calli

Hugs

Sarah