For the past two years I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts about suicide. Like a pesky fly buzzing around the room on good days, like a swarm of flies armed with clubs and bludgeoning my head in on bad days. Sometimes it's because I forgot to buy orange juice, other times because I worry that I said something that might make my friends not like me anymore. Sometimes there's just no obvious reason. It's like an automated, scheduled reminder of how messed up my head is.
I don't think I actually want to die. There are many things I love about being alive, like music, D&D, and my friends. Sometimes I feel like life is a sham, and I just get tired of it all, but ultimately I want to keep going because I do have things to live for.
It's so isolating, though. How do you talk about having daily suicidal thoughts when you're not really that suicidal? I feel guilty about making people worried about me, so I haven't told anyone except my psychologist and strangers online (like you all 🙂 ). But I don't want to keep it all in anymore. I think I want to tell one of my friends about it, someone who's sort of going through something similar and who'd get it instead of freaking out.
Idk, I'm just tired.
