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Confused looking for support

Apple2468
Community Member

Hello

Since a child I have had depression and anxiety. My dad was not mentally stable and would often use violence out of anger without explaining why or what I had done wrong. I developed severe OCD to cope, where I couldn't walk into a room or take a shower without doing some type of repetitive behaviour.

I was bullied in primary and high school, so dropped out half way through year 9.

I tired my year 10 and HSC at TAFE twice then my mother passed away when I was 15. The next few years where spent in psychiatric hospitals and with eating disorders/self harm. I went back to TAFE for more courses, only to be sexually assaulted by a teacher a couple of times. I have reported this to the police since. My older sister became very violent towards me and especially my father and continues to threaten him with violence so she can get money/valuables off him. She's academically bright, is starting a PHD and is extremely cunning at manipulation. I keep a healthy distance from her.

I got into a relationship with a controlling, violent man for 4.5 years after turning 19. He hit me on a few occasions, I lost contact with my friends and my self esteem plummeted. Our relationship was very toxic. Over the course of a day, I packed up the flat we shared and my dad helped me move my stuff out. By now my dads temper had calmed down a lot.

I moved work places, as my ex also worked at the same place as me. I worked as a postal worker and stupidly got involved with a guy and his friends who were hard core into drugs. He ended up leaving me, which probably saved my life and ganged up on me at work. It was time to leave when they started jeopardising my safety and tampering with my motorcycle.

Cut a long story short, I lived on my own for a few months while slowly running out money, realised living by myself was a bad idea and moved in with some long time family friends who lived in a rural area. They where very loving and supportive. Living with them was hard and I found myself crying a lot. One of the girls was in a happy relationship and I wondered if I would ever experience a healthy, loving relationship.

I recently moved to Perth knowing only 1 other person. I've found a supportive GP and psychologist. I practice breathing exercises, joined a martial arts studio and have an unstable job in a supermarket, so looking for cafe work.

I feel like people are out to hurt me and am battling suicidal thoughts most days. They are very intense. Continuing living feels pointless.

6 Replies 6

Tay100
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Apple2468 🍎

Thanks for posting, we appreciate you being here. I'm sorry to hear that you feel down about your situation and that you are in a tough headspace. However, what you feel is valid and you aren't alone in experiencing this. Do you have someone in your personal life you can talk too? It's great that you have persisted getting professional help and are looking at getting more stable work, but sometimes having someone to release emotions too can be helpful too, especially if you currently live alone. Feel free to use this thread to keep talking and keep us posted as well; we are here to listen.

Sending kindness,
Tay100

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Apple2468,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We're so sorry to hear that you're struggling at the moment with suicidal thoughts. We understand that this must be overwhelming. It sounds like you had a very tough situation with your family. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, there is help available to you.

It's great to hear that you've found a supportive GP and psychologist. We would strongly urge that you let them know how you are feeling at the moment, and in meantime, in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). It might also be useful to take a look at some of the Beyond Blue resources around suicidal thoughts:  
You might also be interested in reading about the journey of someone who at one point felt hopeless: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/losing-hope-finding-hope
Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

Apple2468
Community Member

Thanks for replying!

I don't reach out to my family and friends anymore, I feel like a burden to them. Reaching out to them daily would be too much. I'd really like to chat to someone without having to drop that "I've been good thanks" lie. Maybe they don't quite understand it. They told me I'm doing this for attention and I'll grow out of it, like an old T shirt haha.

Thanks for sharing those links with me. Reading someone else's journey of losing hope was very helpful. I feel like I've lost hope and need to find it again.

Hi Apple2468

Sorry for the late reply!

I understand what you mean- using pleasantries and telling white lies to appease people you know and love can be hard. I'm sorry to hear they think you are doing this for attention- that' never easy to hear and certainly doesn't help.

Have you managed to use the resources Sophie_M posted? You can also use this thread to elaborate on your journey if your family/friends aren't catching on to your situation right now. We are here to listen in a caring, non-judgemental way.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

Keira2
Community Member

Hi Apple2468,

I'm sorry to hear you have been going through a tough time, I hope things get better for you soon.

I am struggling with suicidal thoughts at the moment too, and I just wanted to say you are doing really well through it. I am struggling to get anything done, but it sounds like you are really pushing yourself (seeking help, the martial arts and trying to look for a new job). You should be proud of yourself. I should try to behave like that too.