MY STORY HOW I AM BEATING DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE.

[Obsessed]

In 2017 I decided to became a Beyond Blue volunteer speaker. I went to the day course that teaches how to present yourself and how to tell your story.

After a short while and a few drafts, I had my presentation sorted. When I got my first date I practiced my presentation. It went like this:
There were a lot of people in the room. I told my story and you could hear a pin drop. I was so nervous that the dark shirt I was wearing was obviously wet with perspiration. Later I was told there were 120 people.
“I know when my downfall started – it started when I was sexually abused I was 13. I thought I escaped those people when I chose to lock those thoughts away, to be forgotten. My wife always knew there was something wrong and could never put her finger on it. I never talked about the abuse as I had buried it.
In 2015 work got really difficult. In hindsight I was being bullied. My boss at the time approached me on a Friday at about 4pm. He asked ‘Is something wrong? I opened up just a little, telling him things I never told my wife. After a few minutes the boss nodded and proceeded to dress me down about something I did earlier in the week?! This just sent me into a tailspin like I got shot out of the sky. Things just got worse, and that in itself brought up memories of when I was young and many other memories. I just fell in a heap. I tried to cope with the thoughts for a few months and attempted suicide twice. It was then I was battling the devil and angel in my head. I put my hand up to get help from a psychologist.
One night in Feb 2016, after a really bad day at work, I was racing,bicycle racing, and halfway through the race I broke down. I pulled off the track and I just wanted to end it, there and then. A kind old man saw what was happening and talked to me for over half an hour to not take my life. I could not cope with the pain in my head.
Since then I have had a tattoo on my right calf muscle. It is a semicolon with the ying/yang symbol in it. The meaning is – life does not stop here, it continues on. I now have my ups and downs, but I have my cycling and my family to keep me positive. When you get desperate you know how many real friends you have. In all I tried six times to take my life. But I have become a lot happier within myself now and other people have noticed that I am happier too.
With the help of a psychologist I was able cope through the early days of my depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I resisted to take medication for my illness in these early days BUT just in the last eight weeks I decided to take medication. My wife and other people have noticed a difference.
Mental illness is real but it can be beaten. There are signs that we all see but choose to ignore. Unlike a broken leg you can see the plaster and the lack of ability to walk, mental illness has behavioral signs. We have only scratched the surface of the awareness of mental illness and I hope in some way this has helped the reader to learn and to become aware of some of the signs of depression.

[White_Rose]

Dear Obsessed

Hello and thank you for telling us your story. This is what can help others who are still struggling to get some help, stop the pain and experience some 'ordinariness' in life. Many congratulations on the progress you have made. I know from my own experience it is not easy and at times can appear to be the only life we will ever have.

What I find most heartening is the kindness of strangers who have the insight to see what is happening to us and the compassion to help. Sadly there are not enough of these people around. You have just put yourself into this category of helpers by being ready to tell your story as it is. More importantly you can say from your own experience that we can beat depression and abuse, or any other mental illness.

It's also interesting that you have decided to take some medication. I know many people struggle with this thinking it is a sign of weakness or proof that we are indeed crazy. I know I had great difficulty in accepting the need for meds but still kept that information to myself for some time. So long as people know that meds do not cure mental illness but give us the space to work on getting well. I do know some of those who say the meds have not helped because they expected a 'cure'. So again, kudos to you for taking another huge step forward.

Thank you for your story.

Mary

[blondguy]

Hello Obsessed (and a wave of thanks to White Rose)

Thankyou for sharing your pain/success on the forums...You are obviously well versed with Beyond Blue!

You mentioned "I resisted to take medication for my illness in these early days BUT just in the last eight weeks I decided to take medication. My wife and other people have noticed a difference"

I understand and agree with the thrust of your post.....Having a mental illness (of any type) is no different to having a treatable/serious physical issue that requires care... treatment and sometimes medication too

Just for myself I wasted 13 years of my life thinking I could self heal with my chronic anxiety/depression....I was so wrong. I had 2 wonderful GP's trying for over 10 years to explain that I could build a foundation to recovery using a low level antidepressant (combined with frequent counselling of course) as a catalyst

I remember 'seeing' you on the forums a few years ago when I joined 🙂

You have helped more people than you know as approx 70% of the hits to the forums are from people that choose to 'read' the forums for support...The other 30% elect to post

A seriously helpful & heartfelt post...

Paul

[Obsessed]

Thanks so much Paul. Blondguy. I have been through the ringer for the past 45 years since the abuse, my child hood was not flash and my working life has been riddled with bullying. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now , and if my story can help others then I will continue to do so. With the med I can tell my story without as much nervousness as I used to have.