Im not sure what's happening (TW) - pls dont read if triggered by feelings of self harm

[Vil]

I am a 22 year old female living with my sister and dog. I've never thought of death as something that I would want to bring upon myself, mostly because I think about everyone around me, especially my dog. I have depression and anxiety, and also undiagnosed ADHD. I found that I may have ADHD during my therapy sessions and it has only been a couple months since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

In the recent weeks, I've started to think of death as an option. Like a worst case option. Im in a really bad personal and family financial situation and my parents are going through a divorce. Whenever I think of the worst that could happen, I have started to assure myself that in a worst case scenario, death is an option. I don't even think about my dog when I think these thoughts, despite knowing that I am all my dog has. I have never had these thoughts before. Sure, I have thought about death, but have always brushed it off because I knew it was not an option, but now it's different. 

I haven't told my psychologist about this because I didn't know how to. But I felt like I had to tell someone about it and get their opinions on whether this is a cause of concern or if this is normal. 

[Croix]

Dear Vil~

Welcome back. I know you circumstances of course from your other thread, and realize how much harder it must be with depression and anxiety to deal with too. Asking other peoples' views here is very sensible 

From my point of view it is certainly not normal, it is also dangerous 

I started thinking about taking my life as a 'last resort' for quite a while, telling myself I'd never do it. Sadly as time went on and life's pressures did not let up I ended up trying to take my life, even though there were people that loved and depended on me 

So you can see why I'm very concerned that you may be heading down the same path. At the time I could not see any other way out - which is in fact quite wrong. I found out later, looking back, that it was the depression that had filled my mind full of hopelessness and self-blame, shrinking down all other possibilities until they seemed to disappear 

I did not get out of this state by myself, it took amongst other things competent medical assistance (therapy, medication - plus just in my case, hospitalization). I'd left matters far too long which made a start on recovery that much harder. Please do not make my mistake 

I quite agree telling anyone else seems daunting with no easy way to do it. In fact disclosing this can be frightening as one may not know what the person listening will do 

I guess there are three things to hang onto. The first is any medical professional, particularly a psychologist, will be used to people saying they are having suicidal thoughts and should be able to deal with the mater in a sympathetic way, taking the client's wishes into account 

The second is that no situation is worth your life, getting help to deal with it, and maybe changing circumstances as time goes on can work out surprisingly well (as I found)

The last is how? Can I suggest you take a few days to write down exactly how you feel and the thoughts you have been having - taking time to get it compete and not skimping on the frightening or embarrassing bits (yes, I know, hard to do) - then hand it over at your next session. This can be pretty easy in comparison to trying to explain things face to face 

Oh, one thing I forgot, you mentioned you have been recently diagnosed. If you have been given medication that you are not used to this can have unpredictable side-effects as everyone is different. I'd suggest if you are on new meds you mention this quickly to either your GP or you psych 

Croix

[therising]

Hi Vil

My heart goes out to you as you're trying to manage so much all at once. I think sometimes of how we're unable to fathom the volume of challenges we're facing with so many of the smaller ones not always being entirely obvious. If someone added up the number of challenges, I think there'd be moments where we could proudly say in some way 'I can't believe how I've been able to cope under the circumstances'.

Hindsight has given me the ability to see more clearly how things used to play out in my mind. During periods where I thought of leaving this world, I could easily imagine the ways in which I could achieve that. On a particular occasion I brought one way into my reality and, of course, survived it. While I could easily imagine or see the ways in which I could not live while in periods of deep depression and complete despair, I could not see how to live under the circumstances I faced. There was no clear vision, with absolutely nothing coming to mind regarding the way forward. Of course this is a problem, leading to developing a 'go to' method for coping which is...only seeing the way out and nothing else. I found how to see the way through involves a lot of self understanding, self development and self mastery. While that sounds like a lot of work, it can be exciting work at times with some incredibly inspiring revelations. To hear yourself say 'Wow, I had no idea I had this ability (when it comes to something in particular)' is quite a rush.

To offer an example you may be able to relate to - When you put a spin on what it means to be super sensitive, it really does change things. If you can say 'I have the ability to easily sense or feel just about everything', the question then becomes 'How do I manage what I can sense/feel? How do I manage feeling depressing words from people? How do I manage feeling having no clear vision of the way forward? How do I manage feeling hyperactivity run through my brain and nervous system?'. When it comes to depressing words, calling people out can help develop self esteem: 'You know I can feel what you just said to me. If you can't feel that, you have a problem'. Being able to see and feel another person's vision, can be the way to go. Finding someone to guide us through what they see for us, regarding the best way forward, involves having the skill of seeking guidance. Being able to calm mental and physical hyperactivity down in a number of strategic ways, under a variety of circumstances, can make us highly skilled masters of our own brain and nervous system. How to vent excess energy, how to increase energy and how to put it in neutral (gaining a sense of peace) can take a lot of research and practice.

How to live through and master challenging inner dialogue, how to live through and master the emotions and challenges that may come during divorce, how to live through and master being able to feel what's depressing, anxiety inducing and more is what leads you to be a master in the making. Guidance is absolutely key to self mastery. Finding people who can fast track us in the ways of self mastery means not having to spend years trying to work it all out for our self. The latter can feel painfully slow and depressing.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Vil,

 I think thoughts of death can appear when we feel overwhelmed and have had multiple things to deal with at once. You have had so much going on with the anxiety and depression diagnosis, now suspected ADHD, financial worries and your parent’s divorce. It is really understandable you could be feeling overwhelmed with it all.

I’ve had thoughts of death emerge previously too, and it is very clear looking back that I was overwhelmed by everything. It was like a kind of shutdown in the body and mind where ending things started to feel like an option.

 I think talking this through with your psych, or writing down and handing them your thoughts as Croix suggests, would be a good idea. In my own experience I realised the thoughts of death were like an instinctive self-protection thing, a way to protect myself from ongoing suffering and struggle. It’s like looking for a way out. But it’s really important to know that there are ways out that don’t involve harming yourself.

People like your psychologist can be an ally for you, helping you to navigate challenging emotions and life circumstances. If you find thoughts of death are coming up, it can help just to have human interaction whether it is calling a helpline or chatting to a friend. 

If it’s any encouragement, I have come through my thoughts of death and I’m much more oriented to life now. Previously I was having the thoughts of death as a daily experience. That isn’t there now. I’m working with a psychologist and increasingly healing in various ways, and you do reach a point where those thoughts of death subside and are replaced by wanting to live and feeling you have things to live for.

One thing that may be helpful too is the Beyond Now app which can help when thoughts of death arise. It is a reminder of the people we have in our life we can turn to, the things we enjoy and love, the resources we have etc. I did use it a few times when going through rough patches.

Take care and know there are people there for you. Reach out whenever you feel you need support or someone to talk to.