Anxiety

[Mozaik]

Hello All, I'm 37. I never used to be like this. I never suffered anxiety like this before in my life. It has gotten worse with age. Everyday, I'm anxious about work, social anxiety, anxious about my neighbours, for some strange reason, I've been anxious that someone is gonna complain against me and sue me, for God knows what. I'm always scared that I'm gonna be in legal trouble for something, even though I'm not doing anything wrong. I literally have no idea how this all started. I did try 2wice in my late teens/early adulthood to suicide, but that was a long time ago. I'll get anxious about tiny things that most people wouldn't even be anxious for. For some reason, I always feel like, or think that people around me are talking about me negatively, and that it's gonna come back on me somehow. I know that I'm not the only one going through this, but most days, I just wanna crawl into a hole somewhere and live away, and live in peace. I am back to suicidal ideation, but at this stage, that's all it is, ideation. I even tell my husband that I'm gonna kill myself, and himself being anxious, it makes his anxiety worse. I literally don't understand how this all started. Sometimes something will trigger me, and I'll start getting anxious, then angry. I feel like this world is too much for me. It really does feel that way. Every day I wake up, hoping something happens to me, but it never does. When I turn on the news, and I see all these tragedies happen, I sometimes ask God why that wasn't me? Why can't God just take me, and give me respite? I even have gone so far as to make a decision, that if I was ever diagnosed with something serious, and life threatening like cancer, I'd just leave it be, and let myself waste away. That's how bad I'm feeling. Sometimes I think about getting mugged and killed, or held up. I always tell myself, that if ever someone pointed a gun at me,  or knifed me, I'd put my hands up and tell them to do me the favour, and go ahead. 'take what you want, go ahead, do me a favour, I don't care'.

I literally wake up despairing, hating having to go to work, hating everything. I even would go so far, as to hate people. It's just so bizarre behaviour, but it's literally my reality.

If someone else could validate what I'm feeling, and tell me I'm not alone, that would be nice to know it's not just me.

[Croix]

Dear Mozaik~

Welcome here to the Forum, I'm glad you came here becuse I'm sure you will find if you look around others who have felt pretty much as you do now.

I'm one of htese, the world seemed to hard, people too much, spinning scenes in my mind where I'd be in trouble of the worst kinds -including being sued (though there was no foundation to any of this). Thinking about what I'd done or was about to do, and seeing it having the worst consequences.

Even getting ot the stage I wished  had a fatal illness.

All this sound familiar?

I'm glad you are able to tell your husband - telling someone is the first big bridge to cross - however please do not leave it there. I eventually went and sought medical help. I'd no way got myself to improve from my own efforts, and in fact was getting worse.

I ended up trying to take my life although I'd not thought I would.

Can I strongly suggest you go see your GP in an extended consultation and set out all the  things you have been feeling - including the embarrassing or frightening parts. Without full details how can you be treated properly? See what happens next.

I'd also suggest you talk to your husband about him getting  support too - it must be very stressful for him.

If you think you will not be able to give clear picture talking face to face then take a couple of days to write it down - point form is good. That gives you time to think of everything

Then just hand the paper over. It can work well and most doctors will appreciate a list to work from. I've had to just answer questions about what I wrote - much easier. I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety condition.

Now I'm a different person and life is no longer a horrible place.

I do hope you would like to come  back and talk some more

Croix