I was doing so well... but I relapsed :(

[Mellow1474]

HEY GUYS, this post might be triggering to some, I'm just In search of some advice.
I'm in my early 20's and for the second time in the space of a year and a half I have attempted to take my life.
My 2nd attempt was 4 days ago and I am currently still in hospital. As soon as I woke up I have been determined to get to the bottom of what has just happened.
I am so confused and scared because after the 1st attempt I have worked so hard to get where I am and I was so proud of my growth. I didn't think I was capable of doing this again.
I am diagnosed bipolar and on anti psychotic medication. The first time round long story short. Was in a reallly bad relationship couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, no self worth, I hated myself. I thought I was the worst person in the world and all I did was hurt people. When I was in that rock-bottom I genuinely thought I would be doing everyone a favour.
I survived and I am so lucky to have had my family and friends to support but I'm so lucky to have the strength I did to get myself where I am now. Since I have done a bit of travelling. Backpacking for 6 months, now have landed in place I could settle for a bit got myself a really good job in retail and another job in a bar was living in a hostel having fun! For 3 weeks I have been here. Loving it.
But the other day?
I was drinking with friends had an amazing afternoon a fun night. Then I lost my wallet. Was searching for my wallet then all of a sudden got this overwhelming feeling and all of a sudden I was feeling exactly like I was the day I made my 1st attempt. And In a split second ... I'm here.
I now have to go home unfortunately, but I'm happy I get to see my friends and fam from home.
I am in search for DBT I have heard that is good?
I'm sad about the situation but I am.more hopeful then anything, I want to live, I love life. I don't want this to happen to me again.
If you have any advice or feel comfortable sharing your road to recovery I am all heart and ears 🙏💖

[Sophie_M]

Dear Mellow1474,

We are grateful that you found the strength and courage to post about your confusion around how you ended up in hospital. We are a very helpful and supportive community, and we want to welcome you.

We understand that you used to feel quite down, but you have been doing excellent work on yourself, and you finally achieved the place where you are happy, confident, and healthy in your life. And now, you are feeling really confused because those old feelings came back, after a night of drinking with your friends.

We would like to encourage you to ask the doctors at the hospital about how the compulsion came on suddenly after all the alcohol. We have heard of this sort of thing happening to other people, who had no problems before they ended up under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

If your situation occurred because of the intoxicants, we are happy to report that there are many Alcohol or Drug programs and counsellors all across Australia. We understand that it is most important that you find a counsellor you really feel comfortable and connected with as you will want to be completely open with the counsellor.

Whenever you feel the urge to drink, and it isn't time for your normal counselling session, please feel free to call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114. Both services are available 24/7, every day of the year.

Again, thank you for joining our wonderful and supportive community.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello Mellow, I realise that your comment might hurt some people, but we have to realise that what has happened to you and can happen to anyone and this includes myself, years ago, and the reason this may happen is that how do we know whether or not we have been cured from any MI, we hope so, but then there are stages in going through this healing is that we may relapse, and the cause could be totally different to what we've been struggling with.

We know that alcohol can produce some happy times for various different occasions, however, it can be toxic and suddenly change our mood from being happy to then being the complete opposite, which then leaves us susceptible in doing anything.

I know this because I used to drink alcohol to self medicate myself and know this change can be evitable for some people, especially when you are suffering from a MI.

When I became divorced, my drinking certainly changed to a controllable level and now I haven't drunk for close to 3 years.

Some particular psych's will help you with 'Dialectical behavior therapy' but you may have to ask your GP if they know of someone, or perhaps if copy and paste this in your search bar it may be a start,

DBT Self Help: Home
https://dbtselfhelp.com or 'DBT online help'.

Pleaselet us know how you get on.

Geoff.

[mmMekitty]

Hello & welcome, Mellow, to the fourums.

I am wondering, if like many meds for various mental illnesses, how the antipsychotic meds interact with alcohol? I think this could be an important question to ask your doctor.

As Geoff mentions, alcohol all by itself can greatly effect mood & our thinking. Over all I think it is best kept to a minimum or avoided altogether. Just to be sure I was safe, I stopped drinking when I was taking antidepressants. I was told I could have a little, but to be careful. I thought, 'no, I'm not sure I would always be careful', so I quit.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Mellow1474

First, just want to start by saying what an incredible job you've done with managing to achieve all that you have over time, up to the point where you felt yourself swing back into such an overwhelming depression. Takes so much hard work managing to stay out of depression, an amazing and highly admirable amount of work.

I can relate to what Geoff says about the alcohol. I'm a gal who's an ex drinker, who used to drink to 'manage' depression. Of course, it only made things worse. Nowadays I manage not drinking as one of the ways I stay out of depression. Looking back, I realised that while I drank I couldn't manage my subconscious thinking. I found it's the more conscious part of me that finds reason for and manages a lot of my subconscious thoughts. Hope that makes sense. To offer an example...

Just say I did or said something I would never have done or said in a million years without alcohol being involved. Suddenly what may come to mind is 'I can't believe I did/said that. I'm so stupid, so selfish, such an idiot'. Then some subconscious part of me will start up with poop like 'You've always been selfish. This is just one of the many examples. You're a pain to everyone you know.  No one really likes you, they just tolerate you. They'd all be better off without you in their lives'. Even if I was to sober up, this train of thought has left the station and keeps on traveling (stopping at all depressing stations/memories), until it's consciously stopped in some way.

Mind you, I still have to manage the train on occasion, even though I don't drink. It can take off and enter some pretty dark tunnels at times (depending on the circumstances) but I try my best to work on understanding how that train of thought managed to be triggered into action. Of course, when the chemistry in alcohol mixes with our own internal chemistry, that's another challenge to deal with. Kinda becomes like a science lab of chemical reactions, which are not always pretty.

Have faith in your incredible abilities when it comes to mastering how to manage a train of thought. You've managed to graduate to greater self understanding and self management before. You can do it again, graduating even higher.