I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[____]

Hey Croix,
I only see him once or twice a week while walking between classes, so it's only for a couple of minutes. He doesn't try to solve any problems instead just listens to me. He also has depression and anxiety but he's getting better which I'm very thankful for, he's a good kid.

The answer to your question, yes. I don't want them to know I'm suicidal. If they did, I would have to talk to them, do things with them which I can't, because they are a large part of the reason for my lack of happiness, and I know I wouldn't be able to spend more time with them.

Something weird happened earlier. In art, I felt kind of happy for a bit but within seconds that into turned feeling like there's a hole in my chest and I can breathe, but it doesn't feel like enough air.

In maths I was talking to someone and he told me about what he wants to do when he's older. He told me about all his plans and it was cool to hear them. At the end he asked me what I wanted to do. I panicked because I knew he would want me to be honest, but how on earth do you tell someone that your plans don't exist because you expect to be dead? I changed the subject and I'm hoping he won't ask me again.

I haven't really thought about that too much. If they were different people, I'm sure I could tell them. If they had always been understanding and I had always been able to trust them maybe I would tell them. But they have done so much to hurt me in the past, so why should I trust them now?

I hope you're doing well. How is Sumocat?

April

[Aaronsis]

Hi April

I want to come and share some of my story, I know you don't want to hear "chin up", "there are better days ahead", "please don't take your life"..even though I want to scream them from the roof as your life will not always be like this, I want you to hold on, I want you to afford yourself the time to give life a shot, that is not in a school environment... I wont..

I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide in July of last year, it is almost one year. He was planning to take his life since year 8, he hated who he was and he felt like he was not deserving of the life he was "given", he was dux in every year at school, he went on to do Chemical Engineering at Uni and was awarded three scholarships to do so, he did mention tho in his note that the time at Uni was the best time of his life. He started to go down hill and started just watching You Tube and Twitch, he started to fail, he had never failed at anything in his life...

I will break here to tell you WE KNEW NONE OF THIS, nor did his friends or anyone in his life, he presented as a happy, regular guy who was loving life..he was not this man...

So he failed a math test, he was given a chance to resit it and he walked out half way through it, he was too tired from not having slept for two nights....his burden was watching his friends at uni have two and three jobs to pay for a course that he was "given" and he was failing because he was "useless".

On the day of his funeral there were over 200 kids from school and uni, I hope he knew how loved he was.

On the day of his funeral the words our family spoke of him, I hope he knew and felt this love.

He wrote of how fat and ugly he was, how his body failed him, how he had such anxiety that whenever anyone asked him a question he had a standard eight words and then they would talk about themselves, the pressure was off him.

He wrote of how he wondered if his friends really liked him and if they really wanted him to hang around with them.

What is my point here April..he didn't reach out, to any one, ever...I never could tell him to hold on, that life would not always feel this heavy, that he did have time between year 8 and second year uni..does that mean there were good days? YES.. there was hope..yes it did, but he couldn't do this alone. I didn't get to tell him I would sit all night with him to hold him.

I am so very proud you are reaching out, it may not be to your parents but please tell someone.

You matter so very much and you are loved.

Hugs

Sarah

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I AM YEAR 9 TOO! What a coincidence!

I am really sorry you sat in the bathroom for a month. Maybe you could write her a letter? (That's not really helpful, sorry) Does your school have lunchtime clubs? Sorry, I know I am not helpful.

How is your Fictional writing going? Would you like to work together to find some ideas to write about? We could talk about it, here if you want. Two people bad in Fiction could make something positive.

I have been hating myself for over 4 years. Looking in the mirror is a struggle for me. I am fat and really really ugly. If anyone here saw me in real life, they would call me ugly. I was never a small and fit kid. Since I was younger, I have always been fat and ugly but now that impacts me more than it did before, due to this, the clothing I wear will be always long and a dark shade, and I will never take my jacket off because it tends to make me look less fat. At the end of the day, being fat and ugly impacts the amount I talk to people and makes me hate myself more. The main reason I think I am fat is because of the lack of motivation, being followed by this dark cloud prevents me from having fun and sometimes causes me to feel sad for no specific reason. In front of everyone else I act normal, wear this mask, they don't know how much I hate myself. Some think that I am a weird kid who never takes her jacket off, with no confidence, fat, ugly and no point to talk too.

I am really sorry you struggle with body image too. But I am really really glad you are feeling better than yesterday. I feel alright I guess, I am pretty stable. Like not sad, not happy, just slightly leaning towards the unhappier side, which is pretty good. I have a headache again, like everyday, lol.

Thank you for being here too, I really appreciate being able to talk to you. I know I have said this before, but you make me feel less alone in this situation and you have been really helpful and kind to me.

Thank you 🙂

How has your day been?

Sorry for the late reply, I had these year 10 meetings.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi Sarah,

I am really sorry to hear about your brother.

I hope you and your family are doing well.

I wish you and your family comfort and peace.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

Does having suicidal thoughts make me suicidal?

I don't want my parents to know. For two reasons. One, I don't want to add extra pressures and stress on them. Two, they won't understand, they will blame me, call me greedy and selfish, because they think that giving and buying things means a child is happy.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi April,

I am really really glad that your friend is getting better and he listens to you. I am really glad that you have someone to talk to.

I understand what you mean about future planning and trust. They are both really difficult.

I hope today you have had a good day.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[Sophie_M]

Hi Neerja,

Good to see you around the forums this evening. We're sorry to hear that it's still too difficult to be open with your parents. We understand that keeping these feelings inside might leave you feekling quite alone or overwhelmed at times. Please remember that this is always a safe space to express yourself.

You might be interested in reading some of the Beyond Blue online resources around suicidal thoughts, "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal

And also, "Talking to someone about your suicidal feelings" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/talking-to-someone-about...

We're getting in touch privately just to check in with you and offer some support. It's great to see you making friends in the community and we hope to see you around the forums whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear April~

I’ll answer the important question first: Sumo is “busy”. He has deserted my elbow and taken over Mrs C’s chair as his fav blanket was covered in my stuff.

That young kid is a good reminder, there are sensible people you can like in this world, even if they have troubles too. I hope he continues to improve.

If asked what you want for the future in you could say the same as me when I was suicidal, for a happy life. That was genuine enough, though I did not think there was any chance at all it would happen.

Plus I think that feeling that came over you when you started to feel happy in art was in fact grief and loss. Loss of what was no longer there.

So we are at the roadblock, you need competent medical assistance, but getting that seems to mean you need an adult with sufficient resources to keep your parents at bay for a bit.

Sounds to me like you need to get to the attention of a medical professional, GP, Psychiatrist etc. I know you chatted to Kids Help Line, did you ask them that specific question? Plus if they can’t help ask them for suggestions.

If they say dunno then move up to Suicide Call Back Service and ask them the same by chat. It is a solvable problem. Move on to Headspace if you need to.

Please come back after and say how you went.

Croix (Sumo Cat would reply too but still too ‘busy’)

[Croix]

Dear Hi Neerja~

Well, I’m not a doctor, but for me what started out as the occasional wondering what getting rid of my horrible life would be like, to thinking about suicide a lot, them planning ways and means, then yes I tried to kill myself – more than once, and I was quite genuine. Happened quite fast.

So are you like me – dunno but I would expect you are - and the danger flags are well and truly flying. I was pretty typical.

Sadly we cannot choose our parents, I would have taken mine back under warranty if I’d had the chance when I got a bit older.

You said two things, and the first you can answer for yourself – “I don't want to add extra pressures and stress on them”. Well if you killed or harmed yourself they would have even more pressure and stress.

I’m not sure that is a real reason, though it is an easy one to convince yourself is true.

The second one, lack of understanding, calling you unpleasant things. Well yes that is a problem, you, like April, need someone to stand between you and them

Your existing councilor at school sounds a bit ordinary. You do not give people sheets, you talk, and you do not fish them out of a room full of other kids. OK so when you do talk for a little while you feel better, that’s natural, but is only one thing, you need more.

So who have you got?

That reminds me, I never played football, cricket or tennis at my schools. I found out when I was 15 I needed glasses and all that time had never been able to see the moving ball. Felt like some sort of magic when other kids could hit it.

Of course white privilege exists. BLM is important and a lot of changes are needed. I also think a lot of it has to start with kids, not rallies or anything like that -though they might be ok if not infectious – but simply treating everyone equal and pointing out injustice like Greta Thunberg did at the UN about climate change.

The important question is 3 paragraphs up:)

Croix

[Guest_1643]

Hey Neerja, good luck for your year ten meetings!
I was interested by your question about being suicidal if you have thoughts.
These thoughts are called suicidal ideation and lots of people get them - but I think they are very significant and need to be taken seriously. I have these thoughts too, nearly every day.
They are exhausting and they take a toll, so I think it's valid to seek help for them.

I'm sorry you suffer so much with body image. It is a hugely painful thing, and what's worse is that many people dismiss these things as vain etc when it can affect us so deeply. Do you look in the mirror? I struggle with the same and can't cope generally with the mirror but am noticing one nice thing about myself lately - my long long long no-haircuts-in-lockdown hair. It's making me feel almost okay.

I hope you are doing alright Neerja and wave to April Sarah and Croix and all other posters and readers