I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[hellohi]

Wow, that sounds really good that you can bake. I am really trash in baking, if putting a frozen pizza in the oven counts that maybe I am okay, lol. I understand how you feel about baking and your health. I do that too. It is like everyday school life takes away the food and other things we like. School life makes me stressed out, so then I overeat, then hate myself then people avoid me even more, this cycle keeps going for me.

This website has really good baking recipes if you want to try. https://www.weightwatchers.com/au/recipes/healthy-cake-recipes

Sending you more strength and virtual hug,
Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

I don't have anyone else in my family that I can talk too. They only talked to my parents when we met them about 3 years ago. They don't like me or understand me.

My parents don't trust me and at home, I don't feel this sense of belonging. Like you said it is not practical ignoring half the people. I understand why they have many boundaries, but I wish they guided and taught me than blocking off the outside world.

You are right about defending people, sometimes it can help give strength but sometimes other people can say things that can instantly break down someone, so it is best to think about wading in.

I will be honest, sometimes I do feel worse because the guy's mother had breast cancer and my grandmother too, I just felt like what is the purpose of my life when one of my family members are suffering and I can't help them out. But talking to him made me feel less alone in this situation. I am really glad that he raised 4,500 dollars for breast cancer research, I think he did a noble and amazing job.

Hope you and your family are doing well,

Neerja

[____]

Hey Neerja,

Today wasn't too bad until I found out about a bunch of assessments I forgot about but that's okay because I still have a few more hours before I'm too tired to study. What about you?

My baking skills aren't always at their peak. Multiple times I've messed up a two-ingredient packet mix which is meant to be foolproof, yet I managed to drown the poor brownie in butter, add six eggs instead of two (I had to fish them out out of the batter) and then proceed to burn it. I've also messed up packet mixes even with the correct ingredients in the correct amounts at the correct temperature for the right amount of time. Now I change the recipe every time until I've perfected it. As you may guess, I'm far from perfecting anything.

Thank you for being so kind, and I'm glad you feel welcomed. From what I've read, you seem like a really sweet person.

Many thanks,

April

[Croix]

Dear April~

Neerja is right, your treatment of her was sweet, considerate, kind. Doesn't really fit with your idea of yourself, but my saying that won't help as there will be some reason you make it into the act of someone not nice. Pity really.

I know it won't help becuse I've been there.

OK, I would like to ask you if you have told your psych of your suicidal thoughts? Even if they are just inspired by need -which I'm not so sure about. you don't have to say of course, in fact it is hard to do so and sometimes struggling along seems easier than really saying what's inside.

Still I think just experimenting is not enough -mind you I'm no doctor. just someone that was helped back up after going it lone for too long.

I've no idea what those at at school would think if you killed yourself, some would not care, surprisingly some would. We would care here, you are worth trying hard for, just as I was, thought I did not believe it at the time.

We had been having serious conversations, that can get wearing after a while. So can we make a change for a few minutes? You gave me one happy memory, which others will reflect on and feel calm themselves.

Can we swap another one each? Would you like to go first or shall I?

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Neerja~

I'm sorry about your gran. Is she close enough for you to see her?

You noticed talking to that young man made you feelt a little better for a while, even if you did think life pointless.

Most people at one time or another have someone they love ill, or pass away. When that happens it is very easy to say to yourself - "there's nothing I can do, what's the point"

There is something, and that is to be with someone and, if possible remember they are the same person they have always been, and you talk about the same things you might have before. You might discuss the illness, but as only one thing in many. That is why I asked if your Gran is close by.

If not then chatty letters are a reasonable substitute. Love and comforting flow both ways, even in very poor circumstances. If you can't reach your gran them whoever loved her most.

This is the point. Raising money -OK, useful. Being comfort and company -yes. Mind you I should not have to tell you, you do it here , not just in this thread.

I read before sometimes you wonder why you bother with life. A small change can turn a great deal around. It did for me. I went back to school.

I'll ask the same of you as April, would you like to tell of a happy memory, you can do so here were others will take comfort from it. It does not have to be big, or long, or significant. Just something you look back on and like

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-...

The rules -there are not many, are in the very first post of this very long thread.

If you reflect on it most people here are having a hard time, yet inside them has been enough little memories to fill 25 pages.

If you think I'm being silly, that's OK, I'm simply offering a change for a moment -no obligation.

We can be serious again.

Croix

[hellohi]

Hi April,

You know what you baking shows, it shows your determination, persistence, resilience and improvement. Success is the journey, not the destination. I bet, that your journey would lead you become a even more wonderful baker.

Lol, I recently I burnt a frozen pizza and I didn't need to anything, besides putting it in the oven, I am stupid.

I hate when teacher give many assessments for different subjects all together. The first 6 weeks of term we get nothing, but after my class are stuffed with assessments. Is that the same for your school?

I hope you finish all of your assessments and please remember to take breaks :).

How has your day been today?

For me today, also yesterday, has been hard, trying to fit it with the people around me, trying to socialise I guess, trying to adapt to a different environment from home after a while, having people take my answers, having those going away from everything thoughts, trying not to be left out with my classmates and friends, has been difficult and I have a huge headache, lol.

Warm wishes and sending you strength,

Neerja

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

My grandmother lives in another country, we aren't really close either. I just get really worried about her, I wish I got to spend more time with her. When I found out she had cancer, I cried everyday for months. When I went to meet her 3 years ago, she was the most supportive person for me, I didn't notice it then. She was the only person who gave me hugs, who talked to me properly and made me feel belonged. I wish I spent more time with her, I hate myself so much for not doing that. I spent time doing homework and playing with my brothers, but I could have spent more time with her. I am such a stupid, dumb person. I feel guilty, its all my fault.

I don't think you are being silly. But I have no good memories. I am unworthy for happiness person, who had no good and close friends, hardly any support from family, who is ugly and fat, who is dumb, who stays home all day and never been out in a proper holiday.

I don't have money, to write my grandmother a letter. I can't even ask my parents.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[Croix]

Dear Neerja (with a wave to April)~

I hope your headache is getting better.

You have just given me a happy memory you realize:

"When I went to meet her 3 years ago, she was the most supportive person
for me, I didn't notice it then. She was the only person who gave me
hugs, who talked to me properly and made me feel belonged."

What a way to remember a person. If I was remembered like that I'd feel my life was not wasted"

As for being a kid and forgetting your crystal ball, so what if you did other things? They all help even if the influences are buried and subtle.

Not being able to talk with here? Have you actually asked your parents for an overseas envelope and her address? If they say no could you ask your school councilor for help. I'd be surprised if you met a brick wall everywhere you tried.

If it is any consolation I burn frozen pizza too, or at least I did till I was given a little kitchen timer that looked like a kettle. Now I just twist it for 14 minutes. I'm absent-minded, tend to become preoccupied with one thing to the exclusion of others. The smell of burning pizza does bring your mind back to the present!

As an educator for many years I always found that the first few weeks of term were spent giving out information, and until the students knew enough there was no point handing out assignment. Unfortunately most educators find the same thing, so 6 weeks in the students are swamped with assignments. Th sign of a good educator is you get them back quickly, in time to use the feedback for the next one.

May I ask how you get on with your brothers?

Croix

[____]

Hey Croix,

My psychologist does know that I've previously had suicidal thoughts but I told her I don't anymore as I don't want my parents to find out.

I understand that you were in the situation I'm in, most likely worse, but I don't understand how you got help. It seems impossible. How old were you then if you don't mind me asking?

I don't really know why they say to go to an a&e when you feel you have to kill yourself, or if you're already dying, they take you to the hospital. Have they not considered that maybe some people would be better off? I don't wish for anyone else to commit suicide, but I hate that I can't just do it, and if I'm found afterwards and end up in hospital alive, my parents find out. I guess that's another reason I haven't done it, if I fail, my parents find out.

It took me a while but I thought of another happy memory. Once a week I have one on one singing lessons. As you may have guessed, I'm not a confident person, which makes me make mistakes because I'm scared to mess up. My teacher notices and every time he reminds me that it's a safe place and it doesn't matter if I mess up because no one will know. It's quite dumb but I like it.

April

[____]

Hey Neerja,

I didn't start off as a good baker. I started by making brownies and when eating them later, finding a wonderful chunk of eggshell in them. I guess you're right about determination and persistence. Thank you for your kind words.

I always seem to have more assignments than subjects which doesn't even make sense. I'm trying to take breaks but it's quite difficult when I need to get things done.

It's only the morning, so I'll tell you about my day yesterday. I spent my first period of school cramming for a maths test which I took in period two, and I actually think I did okay. Opposite to the way you are trying to feel including, I am trying to leave a group of people as I don't like them very much and a couple of them are just toxic. I want to sit alone at school, but I don't know where. I spent an hour trying to film myself for drama, and watching yourself perform is a great way to give yourself a headache.

It's not your fault. I have grandparents living in another state, and they are both dying. I often regret not spending more time with them when they were more able-bodied. My gandmother seems to have given up, she has no will to live and we expect she will die soon. I am thankful I am still able to visit them today. If i could, I would send you the means necessary to contact her. I hope someone will be able to help, and I'm sure she would be delighted to hear from you.

How are you now?

Thank you so much for supporting me. It's been incredibly helpful.

April