i think its Over

[pearlgirl]

All i do is think about my appearance, and wish I was as beautiful as my friend. People say we look very alike and identical but I feel absolutely inferior, Like a lessened version of her. I shamefully feel threatened when people who are attracted to me or find me pretty see her because I know they think she’s prettier. I feel like those people just settle for me. And i have been struggling financially as well. I feel like a nuisance to everybody around me. I just wish I was beautiful. I know beauty comes in all shapes and sizes but I have none of it at all and I feel like in my situation i should have at least something. Even at school i only feel tolerated, not wanted now that my close friends left. The remaining girls are nice and talk to me and laugh with me but I feel unneeded and unwanted in their vicinity. All i do at school is feel unwanted ugly depressed and envious. And at home it is worse. I dont take care of myself and I am ashamed of the way I live. It feels so insanely unfair that this is the life I have been given. And when i talk about it all i get is ‘Be grateful, people have less’. Respectfully I dont care about anybody else. All i have been is selfless and putting people above me. I put myself down just because other people are uncomfortable by my successes even when I feel so low of myself already. For once I want to be able to be selfish and get things for myself too. My dreams are about feeling ugly, jealous, afraid , etc, I cant find comfort even in my sleep. but I pretend to everybody else that I’m happier than ever because all people see me do is laugh and smile. I am beyond miserable

[Croix]

Dear Pearlgirl~

Welcome here. When people say to me "Be grateful, people have less’" or "look at all you've got" or any  number of similar supposedly encouraging things I get cross, I get sad.  All they are doing is showing me the vast difference between them and me. They have no idea that their words are meaningless, they miss the point because they have never been there. How I have felt is nothing to do with possessions, relationships - or anything else. It is inside me.

You said " For once I want to be able to be selfish and get things for myself too." Impatience is good. You have felt less important for too long and it gets to you. Sadly you do not feel entitled, or more attractive, or more fun to be with others while just being you -and be liked for yourself.

I would think all of this, comparing with others, in some senses being alone, all may point to the need for assistance from others, you have not managed to 'fix' things yourself, any more than I could

Eventually things got so bad I told someone else, after that I saw a psychiatrist and a GP. I was given therapy and medication and in time things turned around and I could look back and see how my thinking had not been correct, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and these illnesses drove all the positive thoughts, all the hopeful thoughts, out of my mind.

I'm not a doctor so cannot say if you have anything similar, though it sounds much the same.

Now I know I have worth, deserve respect, can be with others and be liked for myself.  Hopefully you can too. 

Even so it was not all plain sailing, wiht ups and downs. I did ring Lifeline (13 11 14) a few times and they helped, I felt better after the call. 

May I suggest -if you have not done so already- you go and visit your GP in an extended consultation  and explain what your life is like and how you feel. Don't hold back, even if it is embarrassing or frightening. See what happens next. 

I would like to hear how you get on, if that's ok with you

Croix