I need help

[Anon2157]

Hi. I don't know how to start this or anything but lately I've been struggling really bad with suicidal thoughts. I hate it. I don't like it. It's mainly caused by relationship problems. I just can't seem to keep one and I fall for people too quickly which leads to me getting hurt easily and then constantly feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. I over think slot in relationships and it messes it up. I don't know why I do the things I do I just do it. I've been depressed for 5-6 years or so now but the suicidal thoughts have been for about 2 years. I always feel like it would be better for me to just go. I can't leave my mother tho but at the same time the thoughts and I guess you could say voices are eating me alive. I know I need therapy but I can't bring myself to do it. I always say "why should I? They don't know me so how are they gonna help" I don't want just a random person to help me. I want someone I trust. Someone I love. Someone that genuinely cares about me. I could always talk to my mum but I feel like talking to her would make her think differently but she's not like that's she's very supportive and is always pushing me to do my best but I just can't seem to go and talk with her. I just want someone. I'm tired of trying to do this on my own. I can't. It's too much

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anon2157,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We are so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with suicidal thoughts. We understand that this must be very overwhelming and scary for you, especially having to go through all of this without the help of a health professional. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Anon, and can we offer you a warm welcome.

I'm sorry for the situation you're in and it seems that you love your mum, but if you meet a person you're keen on, then it's up to you whether or not you want to continue this relationship and not necessarily what your mum says because there are special points in a person that we keep secret and want to hold close to us, and sometimes when we disclose these, other people may not appreciate how cute they are and encourage us to find another person.

You will know yourself if you like this person and it's your decision and not anybody else's whether you want to continue going out with them.

Sometimes finding a counsellor who doesn't know you, allows them to be able to talk with you without knowing anything, because if they do, then certain interpretations may be said depending on your personality and direct you in a different direction, whereas a counsellor will listen to what you have to say and then discuss the problems they find.

A suggestion, why don't you write down what's happening and how you are feeling, then you have the chance to hand this over to the therapist, then you have the chance to decide whether you can trust this person, but you may need a couple of sessions to actually know.

Hope Anon you can get back to us.

Geoff.

[Eidetekker]

Hi Anon,

I saw your story and it caused me to pause. It is lonely when you feel you are alone without someone to love. I really felt the pain of that through your words on the screen. I'm sorry that these things have happened, and that you don't feel good enough for anyone. Those are such hard feelings to sit with....it must be very very difficult...

It's interesting that you have questions about yourself...like why you do the things you do. There seems to be a puzzle going on inside you...why do you not feel good enough for anyone? Where did all that come from? Why does it influence how you are with people you try to love? What has happened to you?

...I really believe there is a story within us... something about turning these questions over with someone else can help so much to solve the puzzle...I know that's scary to do though...and it's hard to do that with a random person as you say. Someone who doesn't know you, or love you (yet).

I'm a mental health worker and I really really care about the people I work alongside...when I get to turn over their story with them I feel like I am seeing someone turn over the essence of life, things that are scary and awful, and painful and heavy...but the things that mean something. I am sitting with someone in all that they are, in their vulnerability and courage...I grow to appreciate someone so much when they feel they can share with me, that I do grow to truly love them...because you can't go to such depths with someone and not feel a kind of human to human love that bonds you, through the toughness of it all.

Maybe you will talk to your mum and take that moment when it comes...it sounds like you really love her (as the other commenter says). Maybe you will talk to a stranger and realise that trust and love can grow even in unlikely places, because maybe they will truly care. Maybe you will feel their heart in it, sitting alongside the pain of your heart, to make sense of it all...

I'm sorry you feel so tired. It sounds like a tiring road...it sounds like it's been very long...you are beautiful in your capacity to love, and to want love. To want to find someone so much...what a noble thing...to want to love. To have that in you, and to want to find a place for it (eventually). Whoever you find as a life partner will be so lucky, when you solve that puzzle. I know you're tired, but I feel in your words that you're pushing on still all the time...and that's a pretty remarkable thing.