It’s been almost 3 years since the break up of me and my partner of 5 years. We were childhood friends whose families knew each other. We drifted apart for about a decades before finding each other again and it all just clicked. It really felt like it was meant to be. It was love at first sight.
She was everything I wanted in a girl. Beautiful, Smart, funny, caring, empathetic. She’s a teacher who goes above and beyond for her students and even more so for those closest to her.
I had everything going for me until I messed it all up by cheating on her with a fling from my past. I had on and off again formed an emotional attachment to this other woman who I had no feelings for, but because of my intimacy desire I kept gravitating back towards her. She was my first, the one I lost my virginity to so in a strange way I sort of felt indebted to her in some way. Sired if you will. We never did anything or met up. We talked openly and freely about intimacy topics, we reminisced about our times together and how we wished for a threesome someway somehow.
My then partner had caught me in my lies and went through my entire message history with her. To say it devastated her was an understatement. The wool had been pulled away from her eyes. To her I was no longer the loving boyfriend but the man who had broken her heart after she had let down her walls. The man who had betrayed her trust and took her for granted.
I will never forget the pain and anguish that I saw in her eyes that night. It still haunts me till this day. Everyday I wake up filled with regret that I hurt such an innocent, decent person who loved me unconditionally. I think about her all day and night, I think about how much I miss her and still love her to the point where my chest feels like it’s about to cave in. I’m so angry and torn that I could do such a thing to someone that I still love so much. I’ve never felt such long lasting pain in my life. Knowing that she’ll never take me back. Knowing that I got to live the rest of my life without her. She’s left such a mark on my heart that it feels impossible to let go. That’s why I cling onto this pain as a way to remind me of her even though it’s eating away at my soul.
I’ve been to therapy and from what I can discern is that my need to seek that extra love and attention stems from my father walking away from me at a young age. It’s manifested into my desires in trying to find that love which is twisted when I think about it.
