I'm so very very tired and empty

Oncewas · ‎23-07-2020

I have a long history of depression, Bipolar II, my BP wasn't diagnosed until I was about 50, I made a suicide attempt at 20. I think I've done pretty good to make it this far, I am now 63. But I feel like I have now copped jsut one hit too many, and I find myself constantly thinking of suicide, I have support from a good psychiatrist, a fantastic GP, and a good psycholgist. But in the end there is only so much they can do, they can't change the underlying facts which are currently playing havoc with my moods.

My BP was reasonably well managed until about 18 months ago. Then my younger brother died, that shook and upset me, a week later I had a serious car accident, which in nothing short of a miracle I survived. I fell asleep at the wheel on a long stretch of straight country road, on cruise control, at 100 kph. My physical injuries were pretty minor, but I did suffer head injuries and concussion. I suffered PTSD for months and my pyschiatrist said it through all my medication out of balance.

My boss didn't understand. He picked me up from a regional hospital, 4 hour drive from Melbourne, and on the drive back at about 6 pm he said "you've had a rough time, take tomorrow (Thursday) off and I will see you at work Friday. I made a lot of mistakes at work over the following weeks/months and covered some of them up. The boss didn't really believe I had concussion because my head did not look like it had been beaten around enough. Then a few months later, my wife demanded a divorce, we are fighting custody, and then I lost my job with the coronavirus. We've sold our matrimonial home, my wife, funded by her mum, has a new home, I am still looking. I don't think I can afford to buy, and if I rent I figure I will be bankrupt in under 10 years. My financial advisor agrees.

I have lost all motivation. I've worked damned hard, very hard, very long hours since I was 20, now I am 63 and I feel like I have lost it all. Despite all of the anti-depressent and mood stabilising medication I am on, I find myself crying frequently. Mainly when I think of shared custody of my 14 year old twins. They want to spend most of their time with mum, why spend time with dad when he is so depressed so often, that's not much fun.
Come night the depression gets worse being alone, and still don't get to sleep until 2 am. I am lost, and have constant negative thoughts. I'm tired and with Covid restrictions I am so lonely. It's so hard to keep going.
I'll stop now, the drink is depressing me but it is also putting me to sleep. I feel so empty, a completefailure, 63 years and I end up here. With nothing, and shared custody of my kids, but without a financial capacity to in any way match the gifts my wife and her family will shower on them. at 18 she buys her grandchildren a car each, and then she takes them overseas for extended trips, months. I feel irrelevant to their lives.

Sophie_M · ‎23-07-2020

Hey Oncewas, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums. It sounds like things have been really difficult for you over the years and we're sorry to hear how lonely and worthless you feel at the moment. We understand it must feel awful to not be able to support your children the way you wish but please know things can get better and you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar experiences and understand these feelings. We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
Please also feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

InhaleExhale · ‎23-07-2020

Hi Oncewas,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have had so many difficult things happen; it makes sense that you are not well. The forums are a great place to get some extra support in between sessions with your professionals. I’m sure you will get a lot of people wanting to have a chat with you, who have similar experiences.

In the long term, I believe that kids don’t care about gifts, it’s your attention and care that they need. You obviously love and worry about your twins a lot and are finding being separated from them really challenging. I’m sorry that you are having such a tough time these past 18 months.

You’ve mentioned many things that are seriously stressful and have knocked you around. I wonder if there is something in particular you want to talk about. If there is anything in your life that you would change right now if you could, what would it be and what would it look like? If you feel up to it, I look forward to reading your reply.