I feel worthless and that nothing will ever chane

[Lea-nne]

Two years ago I nearly took my life and spent two months in hospital and had a year off work. This occurred after a dreadful time in two horrific workplaces which just demolished my self confidence. I thought I was over it but today I have been triggered and just don’t know I can continue and whether I’ll ever be the person I was. I feel so worthless and useless. I’ve tried to call LL and BB but both are staffed to midnight. I can’t sleep and the pain feels like it is in poles in my chest and is dragging me down. I can’t tell my husband as I don’t want him to think I’m going backward but I just don’t know how I will continue. I feel guilty because I know there are people much worse than me.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Lea-nne,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is going to reach out to you via email .We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Croix]

Dear Lea-nne~

I'd like to be with Sophie_M in welcoming you here and am glad you came.

The fact you thought there were others more deserving is simply not true. You are in distress, stuck and in pain, you are as entitled to help as anyone on the planet.

Two years ago is not long, I was suicidal for longer, with periods of feeling better, then like you triggered and going down again. I'm happy to say now my life is pretty good, with love received and given, supporting and supported, and with accomplishment.

To be dealt with so badly by two employers will remove just about anyone's self confidence and make them just want to escape. I hope after you left those jobs and went to hospital it helped. It has helped me even though not all that pleasant.

The effects do linger below the surface for some time and can, as you have found, be brought back to the surface. Think on this though, you were like this and survived and became better, that ability is still inside you and will help now this time. I've found the more often it had happened and the more I recover the less the threat, and taking my life is not on now, even if a thought emerges.

May I ask if you under medical treatment -I found I kept getting worse until I had competent medical care? If you are not then now would be an excellent time to start.

Is your husband so unsympathetic or fragile you can not tell him? I found my wife was an enormous help, and so much stronger and more capable than I'd ever believed. Do you think you might consider telling him? He may well have suspicions anyway, but be afraid to ask. Two people can face this much better than just one alone.

Please use those lines, I believe the Suicide Call Back Service is the best but you may wait the longest - worth it, plus you can call more than once without having to repeat everything each time. All of them are 24/7 though most will have delays.

I've just got room to mention the Safety Plan I use

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

You grab it when you are overwhelmed and can no longer think, it helps a lot, but you must fill it in well in advance, and two people are better than one (I was hopeless remembering things that gave me a lift till my wife stepped in.)

It gets better, I was a complete mess, now I'm good. I hope to hear from you some more

Croix

[Lea-nne]

Thank you for your replies Croix and Sophie. I have talked to my husband. He isn’t fragile but I didn’t want him to think I was going backward. I am still at an all time low and wish I were the person I used to be. I do feel ashamed and guilty. I know at my worst to wait. Thanks for the good work you do.

[White_Rose]

Dear Lea-nne

Like Sophie and Croix I offer you a warm welcome to the forum. I am sorry you feel so dreadful. It's a horrible place to be. Croix and Sophie have told you about helplines. Please use them. I have found them to be a tremendous support at these dark times.

It's good you have confided in your husband and I hope that he is able to help and support you. Having friends and family who care an enormous difference. I live alone and my family were unaware of what was going on. You know how we can hide these things at times. My suicide attempt sent shock waves through them. Perhaps not the best way to let them know.

I also have my have my horror story about being abused, similar in some ways to you. I know I was completely demoralized and angry and any other negative emotion you can think of. I imagine it is much the same for you. A month or two ago I came across something that sent me straight back to the bad time. Five years getting over it and five minutes to collapse. But you know, although it was horrible and hard to get up I did it with help and I am recovering much faster than the first time. Everything is not so intense and I can manage other activities without being almost paralyzed by the memories.

Five years is a long time but it was not awful all the time. The periods between remembering got longer and the grief and anger became less intense. I think this was already happening for you and I am so sad for you that you were triggered back to that hard place.

I know it's irritating when someone says I got well and you can do the same. We have had different experiences and we can get well in our own way. I held on to the thought that I had overcome this once and got to a better place. It really helped me to get the courage to start again. This second time I had strategies in place. As Croix said, complete the BB safety planning with your husband and together work out what is best for you. I know it means looking at the situation which may be difficult, but with your husband's help you can do this.

You're strong and courageous. It takes courage to ask for help and admit you cannot do this on your own. You are as worthwhile as anyone else. Please do not think you deserve less because it seems others are in a worse position. You do not know all their stories or what help and resources they have. If you refuse help it does not mean others will get more help. It does not work that way.

I hope this has been helpful.

Mary

[Emmen]

Hello Lea-nne,

I'm glad you spoke to your husband. I understand how it feels like to keep things inside because you don't want your partner to think badly of you, but at the same time, experience has taught me that a supportive partner always, always helps. Keeping things from them usually just adds on to the 'low' since you'll feel more alone. So please, keep sharing things with him and let him know how he can help.

Never feel ashamed or guilty for how you feel. You've been through tough times and triggers can happen where you find yourself regressing back to those times. Your life experiences deserve attention, you are just as important as the next person. I'm glad you've reached out on this forum and hope you continue to reach out - whether it is for support, or to let us know of your progress.

Take care,
M