I lose my free will when I'm not allowed to choose death

[Angelhathaway]

With the family history of depression, I was so afraid of falling into depression but the more I worried about it the more it will grow out of control. First I could say to myself, it's just mood swing, everybody had bad experience, it will be ok, but it's not. The bad things happened in life triggered the depression that made me feel I could never get better again, I started to lose the basic will of living. It's no longer about the bad thing that happened in the past, it's about losing the will to do the simple things in life. Everything in life seems so difficult, I just don't want to be any part of it. Death become the only hope but it's forbidden in my religion. I started to question my religion, isn't Free Will the gift of the universe? When I cannot choose death means I lost my Free Will. How did I come to this point? Smile, I need to live for the people I love, be strong be brave. But when will this end? I still got a long time to go, and who knows what's going to happen? Hell is better than depression because at least you know it's the worst known to human consciousness. I'm not afraid of hell but I'm afraid of not knowing when I can reach hell. God please save me, I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me, but living like this is really made it difficult for people around me. What should I do?

[Angelhathaway]

Let go and forgive are the most powerful things, I went through a few sessions with different Buddhist masters with spiritual guidance. I once thought I'm over it but when it appeared in my dreams again I know it's not that simple. Alaya works differently from our normal senses, although I did not find the accurate explanation between Alaya and subconsciousness, I feel it might be the similar things that very hard to comprehend. I did a lot of research and found hypnosis might be the way to seek for answers but it's very hard to find a good psychologist who has good hypnosis skills and even if there are some normally they are very high profile psychologist and very busy and very expensive, not something normal people can afford. I know depression does not discriminate even James Parker has mental issues but he can afford whatever treatment plans available. I did talk with people I know who also suffers from depression and their experience of the therapy from a psychologist was not really effective and their thoughts are far simpler than mine, so I don't know if it could make a difference especially when English is not my first language sometimes it's really hard to express the feelings accurately. Maybe different people have different conditions but the Buddhist masters I met were all extremely wise people and helped others to fight cancer successfully.

[Petal22]

Yes they are Angelhathaway it's very true that letting go will help you to grow and forgiveness will set you free.

You are very correct that depression doesn't discriminate it can effect any one of us.

I understand that your friends therapy from a psychologist wasn't effective for them but you are your own person and just because it didn't work for your friend doesn't mean it wont work for you.

I understand that english isn't your first language, but you write your english very well.

I think that different spiritual practices are amazing and we can learn so much from different people.

I think it's great that you have seen a Buddhist master I believe that they would be very wise people in the fact that they watch life from within.

When I look at Buddhist I can see the inner calmness that they obtain, this is a practice and it's something that we can do with practice.

I have found reiki to also be beneficial it has a way of calming us from within and to bring old energies to the surface so we can then deal with them and then let them go and cleanse them from our internal system. 

[Angelhathaway]

Thank you for the advice, I'll try reiki too, find inner peace is the main goal I'm looking forward to.

[Petal22]

That’s ok 😊

If you do try reiki ensure it’s someone who has been trained under a reiki master or you could see a reiki master.

There are alot of cowboys out there so we need to ensure we see someone who has the correct training.

You could even learn reiki yourself if this is something your interested in doing again ensure it’s with a reiki master who has the correct training.

There is still inner work to be done even with reiki.

[therising]

Hi Angelhathaway

Trying to reach higher states of consciousness while also being somewhat grounded in ever day tasks can be tough. Petal22 mentions a way, through meditation. Another way of seeing meditation is as 'Conscious detachment' from the stressors in life or it can be seen as 'Consciously tuning into something'. Can you think of what you'd like to meditate on? Petal mentions meditating on the breath, which is good for helping regulate the nervous system and other systems in the body. Can you think of any other forms?

With a brilliant imagination, you can meditate on just about anything. Imagine meditating on an insane magical world where cat's get around in pyjamas or tutus while holding fairy wands. Some wear tiny stilettos, where other's prefer a free spirited 'no shoes' approach. Some sit all day on tree limbs, where they're addicted to the vapor that comes from the leaves. These ones have a real problem😂. Some of them sing in baritone in this purely insane world you're meditating on. I have no idea where I get this stuff from btw😁 Something like this could be labeled as your 'laughter meditation'. It's been said that the eyes are closed in meditation because with vision being our dominant sense, what we see can become distracting from what we're trying to achieve. If you've ever watched a real cat, they'll sit out in the sun and tune into what they hear, smell or generally sense, all with their eyes closed.

I suppose reaching 'oblivion' is about developing skills in obliterating what doesn't serve us. Meditation's one skill that can take us out of stress and into peace or pure amusement, for a period each day. Btw, you can even meditate on washing dishes - warmth of the water, sound of it lapping at the plates, smell of the detergent (aromatherapy) etc. Kids are smart cookies, they'll meditate on just about anything, even clouds.

[therising]

Hi Angelhathaway

I think, for a lot of people, belief systems can be very grounding while being somewhat enlightening at the same time. The hard part can come down to finding that guiding light, that belief system that's going to serve us in so many ways.

I've found being a 'collector' of certain belief systems and understandings to be an interesting way to go. Kind of like collecting what's good from Christianity, collecting what's good from Buddhism, what's good from mainstream spirituality, what's good from psychology and even quantum psychics (which is helpful in coming to understand energy). We're made up of energy so it's handy to know about it from different perspectives, whether it involves quantum physics or spirituality. Reiki is a fascinating energy practice in my opinion. I suppose all this is a little like having my own little basket of what's good or 'goodies'. I found one of the hardest parts about being this kind of collector involves facing some serious conflict. I was raised Catholic, so the conflict that came with letting go of aspects of that belief system I was raised with (so that I could embrace new very different ones) took some time to work through. It can be tough, especially when we're raised to never doubt or question our religion. I'm more into mainstream spirituality these days, as I find this is what serves me best at this stage of my life. I say each to their own, as long as what we believe in serves the greater good.

Perhaps you'll discover yourself as a bit of collector as you go along. A little Buddhist mastery here, some reiki there, a scattering of help from the world of psychology, some helpful guidance sifted out from the religion you may have been raised with. Perhaps you'll come to find the system that works best for you s a multifaceted one.

[Angelhathaway]

Will Do.

[Angelhathaway]

Thank you for picturing such a magical world. I will try this.

[Angelhathaway]

You mentioned never doubt or question the religion you are raised with, and that's my biggest problem. I tried to separate religion with faith since I believe faith will set us free but religion is the system to keep us under control only to benefit the ruling class. But my mother never allows me to have these kind of questions so I alway stuck in a paradox which leads to the painful reality I am living in right now.

[therising]

Hi Angelhathaway

I should start by saying that was a bit of a slip - 'quantum psychics' was meant to be quantum physics. Oops.

I suppose the way I was led out of certain beliefs within the religion I was raised with involved being led by my feelings. How did I feel about some of those beliefs or practices? Some felt somewhat depressing, to the point where it deeply saddened me as I'd sometimes contemplate for days how demeaning or degrading they were towards certain people. Some led me to feel anger, in regard to how they could be so brutally judgemental and neglectful in the way of compassion or greater understanding/higher consciousness. While some beliefs and practices within that religion felt dark and egotistical others felt light and soulful. I kept the light and soulful ones, the ones that fed/fuelled my soul. I put them in my basket.

What I found is that it's human nature to fight for what we believe in. Sometimes this is based on us fully believing it to be the right way and sometimes it can be based on us feeling so passionately in love with such beliefs. So, if you find yourself detaching from what others regard as 'the right way' or what others love so much, they may fight you over it. Some people will yell at you and some will insult you. Some will degrade you and others may ridicule you, as they laugh at what they may term your 'foolishness'. Some people even beat each other or do worse in regard to religious matters. I found the challenge in letting go of certain beliefs can come down to letting others fight for what they believe in (as long as no harm is done) while recognising it is not my fight I'm witnessing. Hope that makes sense.

For some people, close to us, we may not witness a fight but instead witness their reaction to a disappointment. If they had appointed us the role of 'He/she who will follow this faith without question', they are now challenged to dis-appoint us from that role. Such a disappointment process can be sad and painful for those close to us, for what they face is a form of grief. To find compassion for those who are grieving may be a part of the test we face.