I lose my free will when I'm not allowed to choose death

[Angelhathaway]

With the family history of depression, I was so afraid of falling into depression but the more I worried about it the more it will grow out of control. First I could say to myself, it's just mood swing, everybody had bad experience, it will be ok, but it's not. The bad things happened in life triggered the depression that made me feel I could never get better again, I started to lose the basic will of living. It's no longer about the bad thing that happened in the past, it's about losing the will to do the simple things in life. Everything in life seems so difficult, I just don't want to be any part of it. Death become the only hope but it's forbidden in my religion. I started to question my religion, isn't Free Will the gift of the universe? When I cannot choose death means I lost my Free Will. How did I come to this point? Smile, I need to live for the people I love, be strong be brave. But when will this end? I still got a long time to go, and who knows what's going to happen? Hell is better than depression because at least you know it's the worst known to human consciousness. I'm not afraid of hell but I'm afraid of not knowing when I can reach hell. God please save me, I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me, but living like this is really made it difficult for people around me. What should I do?

[Angelhathaway]

I did tried to reach out for professional help but it's so difficult to overcome my mind to initiate real action. Now everyday I look in the mirror try to smile and tell myself "you will be fine, you will live on for the people you love, there is hope and be strong" I don't know if it will work but it's from my research about subconscious training.

[Petal22]

I understand…… if there are no answers then there is no certainty?

I use have anxiety over uncertainty but then I learned that nothing in life is one hundred percent and I learned to be ok with that.

Can you learn to just sit with uncertainty? When we stop questioning it, it will fade away and we won’t feel the need for it after time.

Our minds can be like the ocean and if we don’t learn to control our attention then it can try to run away with never ending scenario’s.

Attention training is great for strengthening our attention, our attention is like a muscle and it needs exercise.

Please try to let go of fear because once you can do this you can begin to fly.

You wonder if you have a belief system? 

You are your own person and you get to install your belief system and if you have a belief system in place that you don’t really like you can learn to challenge and change this.

A psychologist is someone who could help you with this.

I believe that every single one of us has a life purpose and once we discover this and live this way with intension our lives become very fulfilling.

I believe you have a life purpose you just need to discover it along your journey.

[james1]

Hello Angelhathaway,

Thank you for your replies. It's really great to hear some more about your thoughts and feelings at the moment, as there are many who understand and have had similar thoughts and feelings themselves.

I am also someone who is constantly asking questions and I have previously really struggled with inaction. Sometimes my mind can get too messy and noisy.

I think your idea about just looking in the mirror to talk to yourself is a really good one. It's something similar to what I consider my own 'grounding' techniques, where I try to get out of my head and put myself in the real world.

For me, the thing that really helps is to talk to people - in person - about all the things I am thinking about. There is something I found really different about talking to people, using voices that I can hear, rather than speaking them all to myself in my own mind's voice. I find I run through mental loops a lot less if I am talking to others.

Not sure if you have tried that before and if you find any difference between talking to yourself and talking to others?

James

[Angelhathaway]

Talking to other people sometimes provide temporary relief during the day, but the fear in the morning is really hard to describe, its deep in the heart that I want to cut it open and massage it to ease the tension.

[Angelhathaway]

I really want to figure out the purpose of my life, currently uncertainty is the most difficult part to cope with in day to day life.

[Petal22]

Hi Angelhathaway,

I like that you have started some training with affirmations can I suggest you try something like this?

Instead of saying “ You will” replace this with “ I AM” use positive intention.

You could say

I am living with purpose and intention 

I am strong 

I am resilient 

I am love 

I am moving forward with my life

Can I ask in regards to seeking professional help you haven’t because of your mind?

Could you say something like this with intension?

I am seeking professional help because I  know I am worthy of help.

(Let me know what you think).

I understand the fear in the morning’s because I also experienced this the mornings where always the hardest.

But with professional help and medication I was able to move forward from this and recover….. I was given a lot of coping strategies in therapy.

Our life purpose can be more obvious than it seems and when we begin to live this way our lives become so enriched from the inside.

Ill share this quote with you:

Your inner purpose is to awaken.

It is as simple as that. You share that purpose with every other person on the planet - become it is the purpose of humanity.

by Eckhart Tolle

Once you awaken the revelations that follow are amazing.

I believe to awaken it becomes a conscious choice and our inner work.

One of the most beautiful things I discovered on my awakening was that the more we give to others then the higher we vibrate.

In giving I don’t mean material things…. Something as simple as telling someone something nice about them that you have noticed.

Or simply buying the homeless a cup of coffee .

Its very uplifting to the one who is doing the giving 🙏

[Angelhathaway]

.Thank you for the advice, I will replace the "I will" with "I am" from tomorrow morning.

As for the professional help, when I spoke with GP about my condition, he did advice me to take medication but he also warned me, this is a not a short term solution, because it will stimulate the body to produce more serotonin and if taken on and off, the medication could disrupt the balance of normal body hormones. As my father was on medication for 8 years and still passed away on depression, and the research also indicate medication only suppress the symptoms not the cure for depression so I was hesitate to take this step forward. As for the therapy, I'm unwilling to try it . If I choose therapy politics and religion in my mind could mess it up. So I'm looking for alternatives to fight depression. 

[Petal22]

See how you go with the positive intention……

I always say to myself every day 

I am LOVE 

I am JOY 

and then I go out into my day with intension to be these things….. it’s amazing over time we really can become these things if we have positive intention to be them.

Can I ask you do you feel as though something is holding you back from your past? In terms of holding back I mean there’s something blocking you from overcoming the emotions you feel inside?

I understand it’s hard but with time we can learn to move through things.

I understand what your doctor said in regards to medication and I believe the doctor is correct in terms of medication not being a quick fix because I believe medication and therapy go hand in hand.

Im sorry to hear of your father’s passing.

I understand that medication isn’t a cure but I believe it can help us to live with a more quality of life.

In my experience with medication and therapy it was the best thing I ever did because the medication helped to relieve my symptoms of severe anxiety and while this worked over time I began therapy which taught me alot of skills and strategies so I could learn to manage my condition and then master it.

I understand you are concerned that politics and religion may mess it up but it really is possible that it’s the key to help you to manage your symptoms so you can have a more quality of life.

I understand that sometimes our minds can get in the way but I believe the trick is not to allow our minds to call all of the shots because you are in your body and you really CAN be in control of your mind and not your mind to be in control of you.

“ Your soul always knows what to do to heal itself .”

” The challenge is to silence the mind”

Meditation is a great skill to learn to accomplish this 🙏

[Angelhathaway]

Thanks for your kind reply. Memories are blocking me from overcoming the messed up thoughts. My father was very aggressive and violent towards me and my mother since I was a child. I was always under the impression that everything I did in life was wrong according to him and now I cannot get rid of it even after he passed away. Sometimes I still have nightmares about my childhood experience. Last year I heard from the news about depression treatment breakthrough in the US that the new technology can selectively delete memories. I'm looking forward to this life saver but it's still in trial phase and might not be available to the public for many years.

[Petal22]

I’m so sorry for the way your father treated yourself and your mum I understand that would have been really difficult to deal with.

Sometimes we do carry these memories and thoughts with us and they can come through sometimes at unexplained moments.

I believe that they come through at times so we can try to make peace with them and find a way to move through them.

Sometimes when they come through you could try to just allow them to be but try not to internalise them.

You could choose in that moment to forgive your father… we don’t forgive the person for their behaviour but we choose to forgive so we can find peace in ourselves.

When we forgive it creates a calm space inside of us.

Your father may have said things to make you perceive things in a certain way but perceptions can always be challenged and changed.

( This is where a psychologist can help you)..

Please try to have a good think about seeing a health professional because they can help you to free yourself from the prison chains of your own mind.

You have that power in you! You deserve to live your BEST life.