I just want it all to go away

[LostinLife01]

I am struggling today.

I am currently looking after my elderly mother full time who has just come out of hospital and is unable to care for herself. She is also starting to get dementia and is at times abusive towards me and its upsetting me because all I have ever done is try to help her. My father was mentally and emotionally abusive and I have struggled under the weight of worthlessness all of my life because of it.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life and the anxiety doesn't help because I constantly revisit those decisions and relive them. I am childless because of some of these bad decisions and it is one of my biggest regrets. My partner has lost all interest in me and I am just going through the motions every day. I have no one who I can talk to as I don't really have many friends and those that I do are not close friends. I am not loved.

I am sitting in the spare room with tears rolling down my face because of how helpless I feel. I have lived my entire life in fear of what others will think of me because of my father and it also didn't help that I was bullied throughout my entire school career. I feel physically sick.

I just want it all to go away.

[Sophie_M]

Hi LostinLife01,

We're sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be incredibly difficult caring for your elderly mother, especially when you're experiencing abuse. We can imagine how hard it must be caring for someone with dementia, and caring full time is a huge thing to be dealing with. It's important to acknowledge how this is affecting your own wellbeing.  

You're not alone, and you can call us to talk about these feelings of worthlessness, it sounds like a really painful place to be in, and we don't want you to be going through it on your own. We think that it would be really useful for you to call us on 1300 22 4636 to work through these emotions.  

Try to be kind to yourself, you're going through a lot. We think you could really benefit from finding support with your GP or in your local community, is this something you've ever talked about or accessed? You could also contact Dementia Australia on 1800 100 500, they have support specifically for carers. They also have a webchat: dementia.org.au/helpline/webchat and email helpline@dementia.org.au (Monday to Friday, 8:00am - 8:00pm).  

If you want to chat to expert that can help you talk through your relationship you can always get in contact with Relationships Australia. They have a specific number for each state which you can find on their website as well as heaps of useful information https://www.relationships.org.au/

It's so good that you've been able to share here, you never know how its helping other members of our community. Please feel free to keep posting here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Lostinlife01

I just want to send you a big virtual hug as you sound like you’re feeling a lot of pain at the moment and could really do with one. It does hurt when we look back in life and regret the choices that led us to where we are. I hear you. It’s great that you’ve reached out here to share, but agree with Sophie that it might be helpful for you to get more support by ringing the helplines. You’ve got a lot on your shoulders and there is help out there. Please know that we’re here for you too for whatever you’d like to talk about.

Im sorry you don’t feel loved. You’re worthy of love and care, as we all are. Katy