I don’t feel real

[...Gekota]

I used to care, about other people, about myself about being alive. But everything seems to slowly dissolve away from me. I’m a minor and I always just assumed that this would be the easy part of life, but it’s not is it? I wish I had a friend. I’m so lonely but I’m afraid too, if I had a friend I’d just inflict my depression on there, it’s like a virus, once you have it you just keep spreading it around too all the people you love. But I don’t anymore, I don’t love. What’s the point? Of all of this. Of my existence. Of living the best life you can because it’s the only one you have. I want to hide away from the world and sometimes I just want to be seen by someone. I often wonder if it’s all just a sick dream. Is it all real. I wish it wasn’t. I feel like in this past year I have lost everything that has ever ment something to me, family, love, happiness, gratitude and friends. I don’t think I want this all too be real. I know there are other people like me out there somewhere but I can’t help too feel so alone. I just want to talk to someone sometimes just about little things like their day, but why would anyone every talk to someone who doesn’t speak. My parents don’t understand. I know that’s such a typical teenage thing too say and I guess some how it is true. They know I’m not okay, but they think I’m better now then I was before and I don’t know how to tell them I’m not, they have no clue how to help me, I won’t speak, go on meds, or do anything really, and I think they think that if they get me nice little gifts like a shirt I like or something little then I’ll be happy and okay. And I know this sounds selfish like wealthy kid shit but sometimes I just wish they didn’t. I mean its sweet but it makes me feel like a dog or something. I feel so many feelings, too many, but sometimes nothing and maybe that’s worst, I’m not sure. I don’t think I want to feel, but I’m afraid that if I feel nothing all the time then I don’t really know, but it won’t be good, and everyone will be mad. I want to run away from my insides before their tear me apart and swallow me. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to get at here. I want help, I don’t know how to get any with my current situation. I’m lonely, I want friends, but I can’t have those. I’m not sure what to. I want to find reasons too live but I don’t know where to look. I really don’t know what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Dear ...Gekota, 

We are so sorry to hear that you don't feel real, that you feel numb, lonely, and as though you have lost everything that has ever meant something to you. It sounds like you really want support and to see some reasons to live, but that you don't know what to do in that regard right now. Correct us if we're wrong, but it sounds like you've had options offered to you, like medication and speaking (to a counsellor we assume?), but neither of these options feel right to you right now. Sometimes, mental health problems resolve on their own for people, but other times, a person needs to do something (i.e., challenge their way of thinking, do something different) in order to feel better. We're really glad you came here to share how you feel with us, especially because it sounds like nobody really knows how you truly feel right now, which would be tough. We hope that posting here, and receiving support, helps you to feel a little less lonely, and helps you to get some of these feelings off your chest. 

It sounds like you may be having some suicidal thoughts. If things become more/too overwhelming for you, we encourage you to get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please know that you are welcome to call our Support Service to talk through these feelings. Our counsellors can offer support, advice and referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 

Also please know that you are always able to post here and we are always around to listen and offer a helping hand where we can. 

[Petal22]

Hi Gekota,

Im sorry you are feeling this way, I understand it’s difficult to feel like this we wonder how are we going to get out of this deep sad place that I’m in….. I really do understand I too went through a mental health condition…… it was a really scary tough place to be….. I was terrified……. the good news is I’m now recovered thanks to the help I received from professionals.

I understand how on the inside of us things can feel very overwhelming and hard to deal with…… I understand when our brains take us to dark distressing places it’s horrible but all of this can lift for you……… you don’t have to live this way for ever…. with the correct help you can feel a lot better…

Id like to be your friend and support you …..

We are a lovely caring understanding community and are here to listen to you and support you…

Please chat to me anytime I understand and I’m here to listen to you… and help you in any way that I can……..