Dear Britishinaus~
I've read some of your posts from last year and had hoped things might have improved for you. All you felt then I have felt too, and as a result tried to take my life.
The trouble with depression is it generated thoughts I thought were my very own, but in fact they were not. They filled my mind until all I could see see was self-blame, hopelessness and feeling others would be better off without me.
You have been trying professional help, meds and maybe therapy, and that's excellent. You might even see the fact they assisted for a while is a hopeful sign that the exact correct regimen - as I have now - actually works and simply becomes part of life.
One way to increase your options when you feel overwhelmed is to be wiht another. Yes I'm aware you do not wish to burden your partner or others but this may open up that channel acceptably.
Sophie_M suggested you try a safety plan
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
Which is an excellent idea. I'll explain why specifically in your circumstances.
If you looked at it last year you might not have thogh much of it. You would know it is a free smartphone app, and you fill it in on a good day well in advance. True, it has all the things you would expect such as crisis lines numbers but it has a lot more as well.
When I first used it I found half the things I could not fill in, reasons for living, what I can do myself and so on.
What a difference when I asked my partner for help. She was able to remind me of all sorts of things that I had enjoyed, given me a list or distracted me. So not it's full of YouTube Clips of specific comedians, songs by specific singers and particular movies, individual books, cafes to go to, walks to take and tons more.
When I'm in deep distress my brain tends to lose the ability to think and make choices, so I need easy no-brainer specifics.
It allowed me to list people just to chat with about ordinary things, also other people to talk to about what you are feeling the need to do.
Took me a year to start to fill in the reasons for living section
The BIG spin-off for you is that you are decreasing your partner's own distress. If he knows he has had a big hand in your welfare right hte instant you need it most, and is therefore less powerless - that is a real blessing.
It also gives you permission to talk to people wihtout those doubts.
Doe this seem to make any sense? Please come back and say.
Croix
