I can't face anymore injustice. I'm a tragedy.

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

1) I am 29 with no active payed work history. I've never wanted to be a apprentice, do a traineeship or anything in construction or the trades. I would struggle with Year 12 VCE and I couldn't be suited for University. I never wanted to work the typical industries like hospitality, sales, factory and retail. I've never known anything beyond the limited scope of conventional work and nothing of that seems suitable and desirable for me.

2) I never had a close relationship with my father. I've hated him ever since I was little, It started with him trying to make me follow his AFL football team, or he would be overbearing and verbal to my mother. He only understands himself, His selfish, arrogant, un caring, ignorant about many things. He can be devious and talk behind your back if he wants to, because if things are kept secret he won't have a guilty conscious.  He prevents me from having valid feelings and problems and sais I'm on holidays because I'm un employed. He wants a house of peace and doesn't let me talk to my mother if his bothered about the volume of his T.V.  His told my mother that I shouldn't be driving and that I don't want to work. All during high school my father was complaining to him about school feels and that I was taking days off and his friend was saying to pull me out of the only ideal private high school I could go to. I was bullied all during high school verbally and even physically degraded. I hated everyone in that school everyday for six years. Generally any issue that isn't his own problem, He just said why are you telling me for, or what does it have to do with me.

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

I honestly don't want to keep living my life. I just live behind a computer, the only quality I've ever had is video games & hobbies. I gave up music since. 

2008 - 2013 I was bullied in numerous ways. I hated everyone from high school. I had to know two acquaintances who continuously were horrible friends, giving me un wanted labels, nick names, negative opinions. They were laughing and enjoying my problems. They were undermining, interjective and overbearing socially. They thought their better people and that I was made to be as bad as them, anything I ever mildly did was in retaliation to being provoked or mistreated. I hate toxic male traits.

After high school I couldn't advance my life. I still had no money, no suitable entry work direction, no opportunities. I never wanted to do a apprenticeship or anything in construction or a traineeship. I never valued University till after 25 and when I realised entry un skilled wages are terrible. Especially when I saw there's nothing more than retail, hospitality, sales and factory. I always saw University as a social norm that wasn't for everyone. After being diagnosed with pre diabetes 3 - 4 years later it generically made me more interested in Nutrition - Dietitian.

I was suicidal from 2012 - 2014, not genuinely I just didn't enjoy my life. I had all those problems with no direction, money and dealing with those bad friends. I also had a rare infatuation, at the time she was this girl that I put on a pedestal physically and I went virtually insane with it all. I never was able to afford driving lessons, a license and a vehicle. I couldn't have the essential independence that everyone wants. It all ended up getting me wrongly diagnosed with psychosis and even schizophrenia. They otherwise treat me as indenyl or that I lack insight. They otherwise think autism or asperges and even if I don't agree with it I'm invalidated as being the patient. Their narcissistic and I know their wrong and flawed. 

I can't relate to my generation and Australia's dogma, their not only too progressive since I'm Christian Religious and conservative compared to here with that specifically. Australia has no attentive to the Bible's doctrine and that's just how they culturally want to approach life. I am spiritual, I know in some way outside physics I'm continuously judged, bullied, gossiped about, they laugh about me. Their always talking against my intelligence, telling me I'm different. A hypocritical world saying to be yourself? 

[white knight]

Different is good. I'm bipolar, without my bipolar I wouldnt be able to write my beloved poetry. I'm under the autism spectrum and have read up on it (full function) without that I wouldnt think outside the square, building amazing trikes, my own home and a train with a ride on mower and many other thing including portable cubby houses with attic windows. My illnesses give me a unique character. So was I different at school- yes, very, and was I bullied- yes, but those kids didnt understand that not being a sheep is good and they gang up with their attitudes. They were wrong in their behaviour, me? well I was my own self.

Your anger/dislike for society could be what I had- catastrophising. If we focus on the negatives in society we live life with those feelings and fear/anger/retaliation and so on overtake us. Before too long everything is a nightmare in terms of general living and survival.

So, what can life bring to us that is problem free? 

You mentioned you are spiritual, that is a good thing, so am I. When you watch an eagle soar, do you feel its spirit? or the pure wonder of it all? When you see on TV or the internet- baby animals being protected by their parents, nestled in a nest or animals helping each other- do you feel something? I do. It costs nothing because you can walk to the nearest park and admire animals, breath deep and feel the love of life. But to do that you need to stop yourself dwelling on issues of the far past like school days. You also need to not focus on the littering near your feet or someone yelling in their back yard. 

When I watch videos on Facebook I love the animal ones but if one was there of a lion chasing down an antelope I scroll past it as I dont like watching an animal destroyed. That means I have used my choices to protect myself from what hurts me. You have those options also. If I go to my shopping centre I like looking in shop windows and there is always people trying to sell things like charities or solar panels and the like. I get really annoyed when I'm approached by them so now I avoid them by keeping many metres away. This is self protection.

The girl you were infatuated with that drove you nearly insane... nothing wrong with that until your actions about it become unsafe or lead to chronic torment. This is where therapy is needed in situations whereby your thoughts become irrational and obsessive. 

With our mental illnesses many of us are over the boundaries of obsessive thoughts, they become unmanageable. That's when we need help to rain them in. Are we abnormal? No, we are normal for US. The guy down the road that seems normal could be doing abnormal things we dont know about. Those bullies in school - were they normal? Well bullying isnt normal behaviour and they needed guidance that they never seem to get.

I hope I've made sense.

You are a likable person, many are not.

TonyWK

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

I think one of the wake up calls was when I was socially having conflicts with one of the school bullies on skype. When it got to the rare situation that he asked me wither I love myself. I thought he was just asking me the question, but looking back it was almost like a spiritual confession gave me the message that it's the moment of saying I deserve better. That was the beginning to realise I wasn't enforced to like anyone and that their was nothing or any obligation to stay friends.

I thank you for saying I am a likeable person, that's how I'm wanted to be received. I hate any controversy or conflicts with anyone. I just also agree about many are not ideal and that's why I like being alone, less conformity, influence and superficial relationships. When I started high school in 2008, I just saw the world was beyond the flaws of my father. 

I have been told by my mother I need to believe in myself and by another person. I just generalised the world for the last ten years and mostly I could've been more creative, but I couldn't and wouldn't at the same time. I just have a HSP, gentle and socially introverted nature, easy to be timid and very with the beta nature.

I remember during high school I felt I couldn't look at girls, because other males were knowing why I'm admiring them or if I'm not with a certain status to generically be that way, It wasn't about liking them it was just the way you get when your in those ages and developing. I became a misandrist towards toxic masculinity since kindergarten in the year 2000, after being told to move, when saying no and that he doesn't own the playground, the kid than kicked out my baby front tooth when my head was down playing with the toy truck. I had different bullying during primary school but high school was the worst in comparison. 

I don't agree with being Schizophrenic. I just hate that the secular century disregards the reality of spirituality and the Christian Bible. For me I have un wanted connection with others and it's like if your having your private thoughts or digesting your feelings, there's always someone in the back of your conscious. So it's not like you can go home and shut the world away when that's my experience. 

It's worse when I believe the generations are with less social humility, that their more materialistic, shallow, superficial and social degenerates that often say if they think anyone's awkward, weird, desperate, insecure or cringe. It's more having to be their age bracket consensus and under a generation and not a individual identity.

[white knight]

Just this year I was told I'm likely high functionally autistic. I was a revelation because, after I read the book "the complete quick to Asperger's" it shocked me how I fit into that book!. The social differences with other people, the hermitising, the awkwardness among other and yes even the victimisation from bullies to a lesser extent than yourself. Maybe I see through all of your problems to see the likeable side to you. On that note, I dont want to criticise your mum or dad too much but her comment "...I need to believe in myself and by another person" well she is correct on both counts however- to believe in yourself is extremely hard transition for someone to take, its a long long journey to get from low self esteem to high esteem. To create a healthy ego is problematical, it is virtually a change of character. So the alternative is better- to take the approach that you will continually try to feel confident and gain same from extending your experience in the fields you are good at or have potential but not focus on it too much because some of the changes aren't possible. Besides you dont want to lose some of your character for the price of wearing a mask of which others prefer you to wear. It's nice to hear your mum cares and knows where some problems come from though. Being validated by others is good and normal. Everyone likes compliments, some more than others. When someone gets criticised excessively we need more compliments to equalise it all.

Toxic masculinity is toxic in itself. 47 years ago I worked as a prison officer and saw it first hand by inmate AND other officers. I grew up submissive even though I'm well built and other men saw me as easy prey to boost their egos and dominate. Eventually when I reached 35yo or more I found that fighting back verbally and standing up for myself was the way to peace. It's a pity that a lion heart had to fight like a lion to find that peace. Since then if I know I'm right I wont back down. So I've found that being that defensive that I have to be offensive doesnt mean to include physical violence... that was an achievement for me. But I had my jail experience to fall back on for that, it would be so hard for you not to have had a workplace or other challenges to learn these lessons in a practical sense.

 Re: ".. there's always someone in the back of your conscious."  thats your low self esteem talking. Doubting yourself and low self esteem are brothers. 

Your last sentence intrigued me. I'm 68yo and I had a 88yo woman the other day tell me to "grow up". It was her response to a joke she didnt get. I was ordering a pizza and the girl behind the counter asked me my name and I answered "tootsie" and she laughed. The old lady the told me to grow up. So at any age you'll get that shallowness or rather a response that doesnt fit with the times. 

I'm enjoying the chats, repost when you feel comfortable. I'm here daily. 

"We are individuals... no one has the same lifestyle so no one can criticise us and if they do they are judging... thats only for judges.."

TonyWK

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

Wither creative people are autistic or not, their more likely than a person without being a creative personality. We are also less narrow and we are accepting of things outside any norms. We are more emotionally intelligent and we don't have this lack of peace to stir trouble and confront anyone with bullying or even hostility.
 

I think creative people would make better psychologist's and psychiatrist's. It's just most of the ones are linear in the ways their taught and their go off their rule of thumb too much. One shrink can disagree to the next and yet each will patronise you as being a expert. It's how you can never be mistakenly diagnosed all together with anything, it's just a excuse to say if it wasn't this diagnosis it's these are possible diagnoses. We may agree to disagree but even if their doing their practice. I find they understandably only care primarily about their abundant salaries, their not noble and they don't have the level of heart and honesty that patients deserve. I believe voluntary rights are a illusionary promise. I'm not happy with having a diagnosis of psychosis or schizophrenia. I'm never out of reality or distorted and I don't hear anything.
 

The thing that bothers me with society. I think their too materialistic today. Their too selectively favouritistic when they want to be, socially superficial, toxically optimistic not to be told negative issues. Subjectively shallow. They laugh off unpopular things in general as being weird or crazy. If you believe in any supernatural wither God, Aliens, The Bible, Paranormal or have Conservative politics your hated by anyone outside the rural south of America. Especially this century telling you with their one way consensus. It's a world of conformity in many ways beyond needing wages to live off.

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

I don't like certain traits with Australian masculinity. I don't like existing in a multicultural century. It's too much clashing with diverse chemistry, values and if you want to be the heritage or the history of when Australia embodied richer culture and social abbreviations when it was segregated with just itself. In my opinion Australia is not a good place for creative mentalities compared to the British & the American's. Australia doesn't recognise their talent. It's amazing we had bands like INXS, The Living End, AC/DC, Mid Night Oil & Crowded House in our nostalgic arsenal.

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

Just the last thing I felt like telling you White Knight - TonyWK. It's just how I feel decency is marginalised in any society or community and degeneracy is more usual or wither it's too often the feeling that any experience you go through or whatever intelligence you feel you have learnt, certain people make you feel mental or that your generalising so you demean yourself and feel only a doctor can hold factual beliefs.

I have always had a boy's heart and not a man's, I don't possess any generic dysfunctional traits and men are usually too dominant wither it's their physical strength, social, mental and emotional aspects. I understand actions speak louder than words and you have to have results to feel better with yourself and to keep society from judging you or to actually respect you. I just became aware of it all since kindergarten and when I was suffering through high school. I feel un attracted to myself because I know women want a man of success, ideal financials. It's just the feeling that I can't protect anyone else or myself. I'm vintage because I like the idea of defending myself to the point of not caring or else I accept being mistreated because the world instills it's wrong to be cruel and since I believe in the concept of salvation and religion. I wouldn't want jail too. I'm not that way I just feel if I'm always beneath most people do I really care about having a future, that's what I think on and off.

I have came to the conclusion that the average person is winning over me financially, socially, emotionally and mentally, also physically with men. I also think I'm reasonably attractive and I'm not ugly, I just admit to myself that it's not rare for certain men to be better looking, even if their not Paul Walker or a Justin Bieber genetics that women like. I don't say that from a place of low esteem, I just say it out of the way it is.

I get tired of a world where it's too easy to be a victim or have people feel sorry for you, a world where people admit tragedies but they don't care when their contributing to them. A world when people pass away that their mourning them just because they can't have them anymore. A world where attractive people are cared about more and with how their treated or when men want them back alive for the wrong reasons. Where I'm the rarity that has a second thought about others that wouldn't cross anyone's mind with me. If I'm in a shopping complex and see a spillage I move the hazard thing over it's way or alert someone since their inconsiderate or un observant to notice themselves.

I hate being beneath psychiatry because to the opinion of many it puts you in a second class position or under a handicapped stigma and wither society or the shrinks see us with disdain. It's how we get defined with limited our capabilities or how we can be in vulnerable positions to be invalidated, generalised and have authority against our wishes which becomes our tyranny circumstances. 

[white knight]

Realistically, humans are mostly, selfish, materialistic,  vulnerable,  easily brainwashed or gullible. We are left with the minority to find companionship. Of those we have to find compatibility, attraction and like mindedness. A tough ask.

But life is life democracy,  it's not perfect and the alternative is worse.

I see psychiatry like that. What is the alternative? If there isn't one then we should run with it but seek the one that is concerned, genuine etc. Keep going till we find them.

At the end of the day it's the correct medication we seek... all their words or lack of them is something to bare for that process...

TonyWK 

[Atomic_Wolf_Boy]

Very simple and true. A lot of the things I say in those posts might be generalising. It's a hard world to have confidence, not just socially but with pursuing identity or disagreeing in general.

I honestly feel I have so much creativity, with at least song writing and possibly comedic abilities. I wouldn't perform at all. I have accepted I will always have a nature that won't allow me to have that acquired confidence, even when alone. It's hard too when I identify with the older gen creativity and ways and how it's all becoming like the dinosaurs and it's done different now. I just have always had a misandrist belief that too many are dominating in a way that I can't be myself or where I'm left feeling that I'm weak which feels emasculating, but that's more my own perspective, it isn't a real encounter with masculinity.

Even if everyone has their battles, it's a worse feeling if your in a position like myne where you have spiritual realities and feel many know about you or wither your made to feel your not in a great position, sadly it's only seen psychosis. The mere fact is there's no way of making the world have relatable experiences to define against their linear notion of physics. I believe in God too much and the mainstream is dead with common qualities, their so deep in their atheist generic approach that I'm on my own. I don't even want people thinking this is about politics. It's being Australian with a southern U.S. spirit. I don't want to live in America, I just am always a rarity with any person or situation.

[white knight]

So AWB, 

The topic on this thread you started is about not being able to tolerate injustice. I have some comments on that.

As you might know I have worked my working life as a warder, dog ranger and PI and other quasi law enforcement jobs. I also had distinctive anxiety when younger and was even nicknamed "the worrier" when 12yo by a teacher. So this all came to a head around 1987 at a council that I worked for. Part of my job as a dog ranger was to issue parking fines, a very unpleasant task and it was at a semi regional small town. I got a complaint about a car parked in a disabled zone all day so disabled drivers couldnt use that spot. I attended and issues a small $12 fine. The next day I did the same. Then my boss called me in- "from now on dont issue fines on that car". I asked why not - "he is a mate of the councillors". I was outraged as unemployed and pensioners had to pay their fines, why not this guy?

So the next day I attended again and noticed the car, a large white one had a State Government sticker on it, I realised it was owned by a local politician. I also noticed that my boss was watching from up the hill. He was waiting to see if I was going to obey him. I decided I would not- I issued another fine. The next day another. 4 in total only $48 dollars.

The day after I had a massive argument with my boss about the topic. Clearly my principles differed to his and his bosses the town clerk etc. Right then I got a massive panic attack (originally told it was a heart attack) and went to the doctor who happened to be an anti council person for other reasons and fully understood. I went off work for 10 months. During the 10 months off media got hold of it and ran stories. It was full on for some months. Eventually I was sacked even though I had all the evidence to support my stance. A common "kangaroo court".

During those 10 months I went to therapy once a week. Initially I didnt think I needed to learn anything- I was wrong. I learned to get things into perspective because although it was admirable to make a moral stance that determination cost me my health, caused much worry for my wife and family and put a spot light on me that was unwelcomed.  I was also taught how to object in different ways for example I could have suggested my boss cover that street and I do the others. I could have walked that street and not issued any fines at all, like window shopping lol. Instead after many years carrying out similar duties I reacted heavily as it was the first time someone tried to corrupt me.

So the main things that I changed were-

• Get things into perspective
• List things into priority
• Communicate better
• Worry about only those things that one has the capacity to change
• Accept that humans are shades of grey and morals differ between us all

Many years later - 2009 was diagnosed with bipolar and this year told high functioning aspergers. So put that into the equations back in 1987 and it all makes sense-

• Over reaction
• Dwelling
• Willing to pay high price for a small matter
• Easy hurt by infringing on my pride

Of course "they" had poor morals, willing to dictate for the sake of a politicians lack of consideration for disabled people, didnt make suggestions as to alternative duties and so on, but I wasnt concerned about all that as I had my own decisions to make.

So my message about all that is- this world is far from perfect, the professionals yes- psychs also, have limitations and often these professionals cannot relate/communicate with non professionals. But if we need them then it is better to use them for our advantage and not focus on their lack of abilities.

The attendant at the Centrelink office cant relate to us as they have a comfortable job with regular salary but we need to utilise them to receive benefits. Same deal. That they dont relate isnt a concern... its that they sign off on their computer that benefits should continue, thats our goal...

TonyWK