How to get over depression and suicidal thoughts

[Babyypapillon]

I have had depression and been self harming for 7 years now and honestly it hasn't gotten better. I have insomnia and I stay up till the earliest parts of the night. Idk how to break it to my mum or let my mum know what's going on with me and I've been abused since I was really young and told I'm worthless. Last night I told my mum I wanted to od and I told her that I just didn't want to be around anymore and tonight after an actually okay day at work, she came to pick me up, yelled at me the entire car trip home and even a little more after we got home. I'm sitting in my room at 1:02am, not ready to sleep because im in pain. Anyways, it's back again. Those thoughts. those feelings. And I don't have an outlet. I self harm and cause myself pain so I don't cause other people pain that they don't deserve. Only I deserve my pain. And if you need it, I'll take yours too because you don't deserve that pain. You're strong. A lot stronger than me. If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading this. It honestly means the world to me that people are hearing what I'm saying and understanding. It makes me feel that I'm not alone and maybe can make it that one step further. The next day. "Tomorrow is a new day" they say. "Don't let today's misery make tomorrow a cloudy day" well, I like the rain, and I like the clouds. They express my feelings on the inside. Gloomy, boring, grey. As most would describe such days. I just don't feel like I'm enough. I'm the disappointment of my family

[Chappo1920]

Hello there !

sorry about what you’ve been going through, I obviously don’t you or your mother so it’s very hard for me to give any advice on that front, but I do hear you, loud and clear and I can tell you this :

We all have these dark days, where we just shut out, we take everything out on ourselves and we don’t know where to turn to or how to help ourselves, but you’re not alone and I mean it when I say that, I’m sending you some of the little strength that I have left in me tonight.

I’m sure your mother loves you, been a parent is an absolute blessing and I would be so devastated if my kids said they hurt themselves or didn’t want to be here anymore, it Must be very upsetting for your mother too, sit down with her, have a talk, no yelling, just put your feelings out there.

take care ! I hope to hear that you’re doing better soon 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Hey Babyypapillon,

Welcome to our forums and thank you for posting here. We are so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. It sounds overwhelming and we can understand that you''d be experiencing such distressing emotions and thoughts right now. You are in a safe, non-judgmental space where you will find support from our wonderful community members. We are also checking in with you privately to offer additional support.

Can we ask if you are currently seeing or have seen a mental health professional to discuss your situation? It can all feel very overwhelming and difficult to manage if we also feel like we are all alone with no support. We want you to know that there is support available. We strongly encourage you to get in touch with Headspace - they offer a wide range of services which you may want to get involved in, such as group programs. They also have a group chat on their webpage. There is also Kids Help Line where you can talk to a counselor about what you are experiencing and work on creating a safety plan for yourself.

Please know that you are a valuable, worthy person who deserves support and the right to stay safe. Do keep checking in here to let us know how you are doing, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[therising]

Hi Babyypapillon

When I hear you say you believe you're a disappointment to your family, my heart goes out to you on so many levels.

When I think about my many years in depression, I admit to feeling like I was a disappointment to my family. I felt like I just couldn't do life successfully. While everyone else appeared to be functional on some level, I felt dysfunctional, 'broken' in some way, even a burden. It wasn't 'til some years after having left my depression behind me that I was able to make sense of things - the not so obvious journey in, hitting the absolute depths of depression and my journey out. Hindsight's great only after a mind altering life altering crisis. In the meantime, the crisis can be brutal and cruel.

As a mum, the way I raise my kids is partly influenced by my battle with depression. While both my parents were and still are wonderful people who I love dearly, what they gave to me in my earlier years involved a lack of certain things, a lack of certain skills, of self understanding and a lack of guidance in some ways. My intention is not to poo poo them, just address how deeply impacting a lacking can be. I try to give my kids what I was lacking. Give you 1 example:

While many a parent throughout history has insisted 'Don't question me!', I encourage my kids (18yo gal and 15yo guy) to skillfully question me as often as they feel the need. If I'm being unreasonable, I want to know for all our sake. I, myself, seek reason for things (including certain behaviours) so why would I not encourage them to seek reason too. Why should they not question me, in a thoughtful way?

Just say you appointed your mum the role of 'She who is thoughtful and supportive at a time where I express deep crisis' and she disappointed herself from this role by screaming and yelling at you, you would find that to be understandably questionable. Doesn't this need to question make you the more conscious person in this matter? Are you not entitled to seek reason for her behaviour? Why did she disappoint herself from being a supportive guide to you? Why did she not accept this challenge?

While I take responsibility for some of my own behaviours in my depression, one thing I never did enough of and that was question the highly questionable behaviours and words of others. If people are leading you to feel worthless, why are they leading you in the wrong direction?

I'm so glad you came here to find you're worth so much more than what you've been led to believe.

🙂

[randomspace]

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know your not a disappointment. To be handling all this paint through such a hard time must mean your a incredibly strong person. You say you don't have an outlet for those feelings, talking to a councilor or another mental health professional could maybe help, or you could maybe write down your feelings or draw a picture describing what and how you feel. It's not easy to feel and constantly have to battle the thoughts the constant streaming taking over. I don't know how this will help, but your not worthless, quite the opposite.

[Unbeliever]

Over a period of 4 or so years I used to go to several different "help groups" several times a week that had 20+ people in them.

In all of them despite having very different backstories, personal issues and struggles... I was always surprised to find that by far the most common perspectives that people had more often than not boiled down to just a few things.

They believed that they either "couldn't be loved" or that they "didn't deserve to be loved"... and that they "deserved their pain and suffering".

I'm not kidding... if there were 20 people in the group, the above would apply to around 18 of them on average. This same pattern repeated group after group after group.

This was frustrating for me because these were not the issues I was personally struggling with, but in group sessions the majority has to be catered for because you want to help as many people as possible rather than focus too much time on the things that can only help 1 or 2 people in that group. Which makes sense, and I even agree... but this also meant that group therapy didn't really work for me, which is why I ultimately gave it up.

Anyway, my point is... you would be seriously shocked by how common this perspective is and how many people feel the same way that you do (I certainly was). The amount of people that can relate to what you are going through is not an insignificant number... and these people seemed to benefit hugely from group therapy. I saw it with my own eyes time and time again. I even watched several develop friendships within the group and make large positive steps in improving their outlooks and consequently their lives over just a few months.

So I can't emphasise enough how confident I am that Group Therapy sessions might be perfect for you. These groups seemed perfectly focused on helping people who are struggling with the same issues, thoughts and perspectives that you are... and because they make up the majority of the group most of the time the sessions are dedicated to it. Which while not great for me.., is amazing for you.

People in the groups seemed to feel grateful to learn that there were so many others that felt the same way they do that this alone seemed to help them a lot. You could see it on their faces when someone else was talking and saying their own thoughts out loud to them... constant nodding and looks of relief.

So I think groups could really help you.

Oh, and BTW and rainy and stormy days are my favorite days too. To this I can totally relate.