hopeless. the battle is neverending.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi all, I haven't been here in a while.

I'm getting no where. And honestly, I'm at the end of my tether. I've done all the thing people say to do - I've reached out, I try to do self care, seek therapy, use healthy coping strategies... but nothing seems to work. I've been pushed between countless mental health professionals and GP's because they say they can't help me. I'm SO exhausted. It feels like I can't escape this feeling of hopelessness. It's crushing me, its like this heavy weight on my shoulders that prevents me from being happy. Between juggling an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, OCD, self harm and suicidal thoughts for so long, it just doesn't work. I want to make the pain stop. I need it to stop. I need it to all go away.

Not long ago, I was close to attempting to take my own life, and the thing that stopped me was literally that I numbed out and being unable to physically move my body. I just sat there for an hour. In hindsight, I'm glad that happened so that I didn't do anything I would regret, but there's a part of me that still wishes I was gone, that the countless near misses had been plans followed thru. It's so confusing though. I don't know if i want to die.

I am safe from these thoughts tonight, I just need a space to express them. Sending much love to everyone out there struggling, you are not alone<3

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

I'm so glad the appointment went well and offered you some relief in the way of self expression and support. The freedom to express our self and the ability to feel the support we so desperately need at times are definitely 2 key factors when it comes to managing life.

You're so beautiful, becoming a personal carer. People who are going through perhaps one of the most depressing times in their life (entering into aged care to live) really need those who understand what depression can feel like. This is one of the reasons I go to visit my dad so often, with him having gone into an aged care facility in the last 6 months. I don't want him to become depressed with him having lost his physical mobility, his apartment and car he loved so much, his mind (due to developing dementia) and many other things. While I can't relate to his situation from personal experience, I can relate to how deep sadness feels, as well as a sense of hopelessness and all those other things that can come with depression. I imagine you'll be one of those carers who really does come to care for the residents, going the extra mile when possible.

Having worked as a kitchen hand in an aged care facility up until the end of last year, I can tell you that working in an aged care facility is like being a part of a well oiled machine. The machine has many working parts - the kitchen staff, nursing staff, carers, management, laundry workers, cleaners, maintenance folk etc. Integrating into that machine can definitely feel stressful but as long as you have people who integrate you really well into it, this will make things much easier. You'll come to develop what you'll call your favourite residents, favourite kitchen staff members, your favourite this and favourite that. Get a feel for all your favourite people who will typically be the ones who make it all a little easier. Take plenty of notes and ask plenty of questions if you feel the need. My theory is...the people who make it easier are the ones who can 1) feel compassion for us being new to the scene and 2) remember what it feels like to be starting new. When I started in that kitchen position, my inner dialogue was absolutely brutal. It was ruining my self esteeml. It was the staff I worked with that reformed me into someone with more self esteem than I'd ever had in my life.

Have faith that you will gradually develop in your new job. I wish you all the best, from my heart, while I imagine you will become plenty of people's favourite carer over time ❤️

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jumpyjellyfish-,
Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery in sharing here. We can hear you’ve been going through some really difficult things for a while. We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
You mentioned you’ve come through a time of incredible depression and suicidality in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Maybe it was a good counsellor or mental health professional, maybe it was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative, or maybe it was something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind. 
We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app, Beyond Now. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.
Please keep sharing your words on our forums. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention, and we think they will find great value in your kind and courageous words.
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[jumpyjellyfish-]

back again months later because i had a terrible day and i need to share. i am safe, btw.

so, hello beautiful people, to anyone who happens to stumble across this rant, i hope you are well. ❤️

i had the most awful day i have had in dare i say months? at least the past couple. extremely suicidal, extremely overwhelmed, the whole 9 yards and a little extra for good measure.

where do i even start? 

i've been experiencing an incredible amount of anger recently. i don't like it - anger for me feels uncomfortable, it feels like fighting and screaming and intense rage, and so when i feel it, my mind says i need to get rid of it... bring on the bingeing. which btw at least, i have actually come very far in my eating disorder recovery. i guess at the moment i can't care for that when i'm struggling more with my Eating disorder the past few days simply because i have been so overwhelmed. that's the thing too - having all these relapses feels hopeless, you know? like, its one step forward, another back, and like it feels like, not that i'm getting no where, but that i'm always going to have a little bit of my eating disorder because sometimes my emotions feel so heightened to a point i cannot describe and i feel my in person supports do not understand. maybe they do but i have a tendency to think people dont (we love attachment issues etc., not, but that's a whole other minefield i will not step into). 

anyways. today went basically like this - woke up, Struggled with eating, laid around depressed and suicidal, ending up webchatting lifeline (couldn't call like i prefer because i have completely wrecked my phone which is causing me an immense amount of stress too because i can't afford that right now), decided i should probably haev soemthing else to eat but once again struggled, tried to go to the gym, did a bit, felt low, here's the real funky bit, replaced my harmful object that i got rid of the other day when i was feeling good, which, the other day that was a massive win, but apparently all it takes is a few mental breakdowns for me to get determined to want to end things again, then i ended up having to reach out again to a different helpline because i felt really suicidal but that went horrible and my mental breakdown turned panic attack went for about 2 hours... then just been all over the place since then. todays just been so so horrible really. i feel alone, i feel so much pain, and i want this to all stop. i should add that i am safe, just really needing to share this in a safe space as this afternoon my experience was really horrible. and what's worse i feel guilty for needing support that second time, but then again... it wasn't exactly supportive.

i barely even know what i just wrote so apologies if it is juts a rambly mess. also, things in general haven't been all bad - i'm seeing a dietician, i've actually gained a bit of weight to my set point and mostly stayed there which is good, i've been doing more social stuff, going to the gym more and really progressing... i have good stuff going on. i guess i just wish that more good meant less intensity of the bad. because right now, it feels like i should be feeling fine. and the fact that sometimes i get like this and feel so incredibly suicidal makes me want this to all stop even more.

anyways. thankyou lovely people who read this whole thing, i am forever appreciative of the support i have gotten here, particularly from therising - you feel like the parent i've always needed as an older teenager haha, and the 'one and only' sophie_m. so yeah. this is just a random compilation of my thoughts. peace out<3

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i feel really alone and overwhelmed. i have no one to talk to. ive had very little social interaction despite the time of year, and i feel over life. i've relapsed today in self harm (probably like 50ish days clean) and used an ed behaviour i hadn't in almost a week. im safe medically from the self harm but man i feel awful. im sick too and on my period and its new years so it's all kind of just this one big storm. i really don't like being so negative but that's the way my mind is at the moment, which feels burdensome and painful and i guess i just wish things could be easier. i feel suicidal but I'm gonna be safe and that makes me feel stuck because i know that im gonna be here still existing and as much as im trying so freaking hard im really upset right now and i don't want to feel this. 

[therising]

Hi jumpyjellyfish

Sorry for missing your post from a month ago. I just saw it now with the one from yesterday. It's horrible, hey, the yo-yo experience when it comes to certain intense challenges in life. Just when you feel you're making progress, some trigger creates a downshift into a low and back into bad habits you just wish you could get rid of for good.

With you mentioning the perfect storm, you hit the nail on the head. Whether we call it the 'perfect storm' or the 'perfect recipe' for depression, the number of factors or ingredients can be so influential. We can pick 10 different factors, ingredients or triggers and they can be the 10 we know about. There can also be another 10 we're not even conscious of, which can help explain why it's just so incredibly hard. With the 2 lots combined, what we're conscious of and what we're not conscious of, that's 20 different triggers we can be trying to work through. I've found that while making some sense of things can still feel a little like torture when dealing with a depressing challenge, it's a whole different experience when you can make complete sense of things. I think complete sense can offer a sense of liberation in a variety of ways. It can also offer feelings of relief, excitement and inspiration through revelation ('I now know the whole reason!!!') and a whole stack of other high end emotions. Some sense of things can resemble a half finished puzzle where we just can't see the overall picture.

The thing about high end emotions too is they can put you back in 'the flow' and in that flow things are free to naturally come to mind. You can see the way forward in your mind (what you imagine/see as the right direction), you can hear the way forward through inner dialogue ('You have got to stop speaking to that person, they're depressing you') and you can feel the best way forward through gut feeling or some kind of intuitive vibe. I've found low end emotions become a block to all that. When I mention 'back in the flow' this is assuming someone has not always been depressed. My heart goes out to all those who were raised or should I say brought or kept down under depressing circumstances from the beginning of their life, those who have never felt anything other than what's depressing, those who have never felt raised by anyone or anything. I feel so incredibly deeply for such people. So heartbreaking.

If emotion is energy in motion, low end emotions such as fear, dread, grief, hopelessness and anything else that feels heavy, sluggish or depressing could be considered 'not light enough, free flowing enough or high enough' with which to feel the flow. It's said that this flow is always there, it never ceases to exist in our life, it's just a matter of identifying all the 'sandbags' or 'baggage' that weights us down, the things that prevent us from naturally rising to meet it. Might help explain why some folk are always looking for a 'high' in one way or another. Feels good to be in the flow, that's for sure.🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

thankyou therising. i don't have the brain power to give a much fuller reply but thankyou. things are very up and  down but im trying. and yes, it's so good to be in the highs of emotions. i like the way you put that too - energy in motion. feels very accurate:)