High functioning suicide

[Boss2me]

Hi,

I'm in my 30s with great two kids and meaningful career. My marriage has emotionally ended but we are together so the kids can finish school in peace.

When our youngest was born, I fell into a deep depression and attempted suicide. Eventually, I got to a better place.

All those close to me, don't seem to have a clue that I think about dying constantly. I live a normal life. I do the things that are meant to keep me well but life is pain.

I don't mind my marriage ending but I plan to end my life after the kids finish school. I can't keep living but I've survived this long, I can do a few more years.

Does anyone else have this kind of high functioning - long term depression/suicide thing?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Boss2me,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for your bravery in sharing here. We can hear you’ve been going through some really difficult things for a while. We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

We can hear your love and care for your children shine through. It sounds like you might not be feeling so connected in your relationship though, and that’s really tough. If you’d like to talk these things through, you can also reach out to Parentline or Relationships Australia for a bit of support and advice around relationships and parenting.

You mentioned you’ve come through a time of incredible depression and suicidality in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Maybe it was a good counsellor or mental health professional, maybe it was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative, or maybe it was something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind.  

Do you mind sharing what stage of school they're in so that we can understand what kind of time-frame you're thinking about? We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app, Beyond Now. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.

Please keep sharing your words on our forums. Many forum members may have experience with some of the challenges you mention and we think they will find great value in your kind and courageous words.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hello Boss2me, & I'm glad to see you here, today.

Sophie_M has offered some great ideas, because life doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't have to continue as it has - it can be so much better than you can imagine right now. & I guarantee your kids will miss you in heir lives, even when they are off & maybe married & having kids of their own.

For other reasons, I haven't seen my mother since I was 4 years old. & although I could have, within the last 25 years, I didn't see her. I tried to reconnect, & because of my own depression, I made quite a mess of it. Now she is gone, & I will have no further chance to talk to her, this space within will never be made whole. Questions I have will never be answered either. Even while not knowing my mother, not remembering her face, I miss her, & it is an area of much pain for me still.

If nothing else, I'd hate for you to think your absence from your kids lives would mean nothing.

When I was young, I am sure I was already experiencing depression, &I had my own attempt, & wasn't aware of how much pain this caused my father. He wasn't so good at showing me his feelings, not even able to say 'I love you' without turning it into a question about if I loved him. I hadn't a clue about the wider effects my actions may have had, let alone if I had succeeded.

Today I am glad to be here to talk to you, to say, with help & support, your future doesn't have to continue to feel so meaningless & empty.

You are not alone. Here & listening.

mmMekitty

[HamSolo01]

Hi Boss2Me

I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing this at the present time. But I am also glad to hear that someone else knows what this feeling is EXACTLY like. Thank goodness for forums like this hey?

I am in my late 20s and have had a realisation that the trajectory I was on was not helping me. There are risks in life and risks in both taking chances and not taking chances - it sounds like your kids are your world and I imagine they see you that way too. There is risk in that too hey? So i am told anyway, I don't have kids myself.

I don't know if you are fan of the show "After Life" on netflix. It is quite clever. there is a scene in that when the main protaganist says to his friend that he will stay around in life and see what happens but if it gets too much then he will end it. his friend jokes back and says "good to have a back up".

I believe this sentiment is where you are presently at - going by what you have said.

Hold on my friend. It may not be worth much coming from me of all people, but I do believe there is time for you and for all of us yet.

The most important thing is that those who love us know we are safe. I had an image of my funeral if I did take my own life and it only conjured up very recently. It was not a nice picture. But see the thing is that I have prevented that from happening by staying around. A bad thing has been prevented. A burden yes, but one I am to take up in this life.

My friend I hope you continue to share on these forums. Many know this feeling you have articulated.

My best to you and yours

Hams

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Boss2me,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am deeply sorry your struggling so much...with deep depression....

It really saddened me to to listen to how much your struggling and the plans you have for your future..

Your children will still need you in their life after they have grown and moved on regardless of their age...they will always need and love you so much...They need you for when and if they beat married, and starting a family...Then your grandchildren will need and love their nanny...I am probably jumping ahead a lot of years from now....but I need you to try hard to stand back and see what an amazing future you do have ahead of you...

Depression makes us believe that things cannot better....In reality it does...with our want and some professional help from your GP and with the mental health care plan a psychologist that can help you through this horrid depression your struggling with now...

Please lovely Boss2me...Sophie has given you some really caring contacts to reach out to...I have had to use a couple of them from time to time, they are trained counsellors and are very understanding and caring......they did help me when I needed it....Please don’t hesitate to contact them if your feeling overwhelmed..

We are all here for you, please talk here anytime you feel to..

My kindest thoughts with my care lovely Boss2me..

Grandy...

[Chris_Tas]

You can't relate your mental health to what you have in life mate.

Suicidal thoughts aren't limited to those without a job etc etc

I've been there and as a lawyer it meant nothing despite income etc.

What are your safety plans as I think you need one?