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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

Hi Tim, yes what I think I need and might pacify my wife is some intensive therapy where they arebt calling time when I'm still telling them what's going on, but dont want to be away from the family while this virus is getting worse.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Waxer and others, I'm so very sorry to hear all of your struggles. I'm here to talk to or just listen, if you like. Would you like to talk about anything? Always here.

Tayla

[smallwolf]

Hi Waxer - how did you day go today?

[Waxer]

Hi mate, I'm still here, my beautiful wife Hasbro left me yet it was touch and go, shes still angry though I think, and she barely lets me touch her. I probably should have realised 3 years ago it was over when she told me she was in love with someone else, and certainly should have when she did it again and again, its destroyed me. I used to be a strong healthy happy man with the most beautiful woman in the world who told me she couldn't live without me and I thought we would be together forever. Now I'm a broken weak man who is totally destroyed mentally and I have no will to live, if I could summon up the guts I'd end it right now. I think she just wants to be single. She told me a list of things I did wrong ( didn't groom well enough on phone too much, too fat, etc etc) I fixed them and she still told me again she was in love with someone else , then I drank to much and fixed it again after she told me again, then I was too angry and helped too much (even though it was almost always her that started the yelling ) I yelled a couple of days ago, first time in many months after Provo action from her sister, now shes on edge of leaving again, she tells me I have no say in if and when and for how long she goes on holidays or visits with her sisters, she tells me now shes got nothing left for me cause I keep melting down and have mental health issues. Would anyone not when told again and again and again and again after forgiveness I'm second best, no loyalty no matter who I have any disagreements with, on top of that the stingray event, death of best mate, court father in law dying, my dads dying very soon, I'm a teacher and our government thinks I'm despensible maybe I am. I'm sitting here crying , my daughters too caught up in her own problems being locked down in her mother in laws place with 2 kids, my mums barely surviving keeping going with my dad dying and I shouldn't have even reached out to her, my sisters dont talk to me, my sisters on law actively undermine me I have no one to talk to, I've tried lifeline, other lines here has been a godsend, but tbh I really think I'd be in a lot more peace and my wife might be happier being single if I just give up and end it not today, but I think it's coming. I'll keep trying to find the help I need for a bit longer , but I'm not going to live 3 weeks in a room with 5 others, shared bathroom no phone no visitors while virus is going on only to probably come out and find my wife loved being single and has left

[smallwolf]

this virus is driving everyone crazy at some level - i see it in my wife, friends, people at work all having different forms and or levels of frustration. Either loss of work, possible loss, centrelink etc. And it is likely to be worse if family members do not get one with each other. And at this time it would be easier if we can declare some sort of truce, and if you do this remember to speak in terms of "I" such as "I was disappointed when ..."

the other thing to consider is this... tell what sort of things you like to do? (and things that you could do now) for example reading, or games or ???? people are looking for ways to connect with others in a virtual space to maintain contact with others. And contact now does not have to be local - it could be with people on the other side of the world. Food for thought?

This statement...

I'll keep trying to find the help I need for a bit longer

shows a fighter in you. Every time you feel low, remember that phrase. Or tell yourself that you are worthwhile.

What I hope you will do is this... tell me what subjects you teach? and what things you like doing?

Tim

[Waxer]

I was tickling her hair as I always do before sleep and she talked to me. She wanted to know what help I was going to get and made it very clear she would walk if I had one more meltdown I tried to assure her I was trying to find the right help as hard as I can. Shes really going to leave me I just know it . See the problem is, I know exactly what's wrong with me. She broke my heart. Then I trusted her with it then she broke it again by telling me she was in love with someone else then I trusted her again, she told me on 4 occasions over a couple years she was in love with someone else, then she told me about another 7 or 8 times she would choose him over me. It completely destroyed my ability to trust her deep down and to trust my heart to relax and let go. I've become paranoid at any sign of disloyalty which regularly happens when shes around her sisters. She tries to say that wasnt the issue and tries to blame the other things like the stingray, death of friend, my dad etc. What she will never realise because she will never listen to me about it is if I hadn't had my heart shattered so many times I would have been sad with all those things but if I knew she was my soul mate i could have handled them. What I need to heal is to feel she genuinely loves me and I'm the most important person in her life. I'd probably take a while still but the longer I felt that the better my mental health would be. But I dont think she will do it, and I dont think she wants to hear it, I think she wants to believe it was other things that made my mental health deteriorate. I made the mistake of telling her years ago I thought it was possible I could get depression but made sure I never did by handling my emotions, and I never did because I felt loved and secure, shes hung on ti that so that she can blame other things rather than take responsibility for what happened between her and her lover. I think most people would struggle trying to get better when the man who my wife broke my heart with is still in our lives. Even that I could handle if I thought she loved me most. I just think its inevitable she will leave because she doesnt like what I've become and doesnt want to help in the way I need because she would then have to admit some responsibility. I'm damaged, really damaged and I know I need help, I just wish I could find the right place but to be honest the way I feel is I just wish God would give me a heart attack as I really dont want this pain any more. As it is, I have a cough and I think it might be serious but I couldn't be bothered getting it checked im half hoping it is serious and I can leave this world

[Waxer]

I'm trying so hard to get help I've contacted 8 places this morning, one is not available cause of virus the others in waiting fur a response, I just need someone to help me, I'm losing it here

[Sophie_M]

Hi Waxer,

We know how difficult it can be to discuss these things and we are so grateful you felt brave enough to share you journey with us here.

We are sorry things have been so difficult for you but want you to know we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Check back in and tell us how you're going when you feel up to it.

Our support service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

There is always help available Waxer. We strongly recommend you reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467.

[smallwolf]

Hi Waxer, I am still here. Can I ask if you are teaching at the moment? Or has the school you work at been closed? Your post sounds as though something happened in the last couple of days and you cannot get these thoughts out of your mind. I have other questions I would like to ask you, but I will ask another time when you do not seem so down. Please remember we are here for you. I hope you will check back in tomorrow and tell us how you are going?

Tim

[Waxer]

Hi tim, had a nice day my wife is still very edgy, I think it's more about our daughstaydaughter being around grandkids and virus more than me now, when shes on edge I gotta stay very careful i dont say anything wrong, I've got some good programs lined up, I think things are not too bad between us as long as I'm careful, I know I'm just going to have to be extremely careful not to argue an alternative opinion and to not try defend myself if anyone else in her life attacks me, especially her sisters or I fear losing her, its obviously unfair, but the alternative of losing her is too much to bear so I guess for the foreseeable future I just have to stay quiet. I just hope the programs help me for that and I overcome my natural instinct to defend myself. This morning we made live, first time in weeks, I've not been game to touch her, then tonight I made the mistake of putting my hand on her breast as she lay down next to me, I've hardly touched her fur weeks and after this morning and a nice day I was really shocked to be in trouble again, I dont know how to handle rejection any more, I get hurt bad and fast, but i cant dare say anything or ask anything. I so wish gid would just take me suddenly, I'm not enjoying this life