Help me

[Confused_mind]

I am so lost with my mind, what is funny is my biggest fears in life is death and loosing reality but this year has really been tough on me. I have lost my child, been forced into retirement in my work field due to covid 19 haven’t been paid from work for almost 4months and on top of that was stuck overseas since March (now back thank god)

what I am worried about is that I am always thinking about death even though I am scared of it. I keep having weird thoughts about suicide E.G when I see a knife my mind goes 100miles and hr thinking about what if I died from that knife and I go into an panic attack over it and start freaking out why am I thinking about this. Is this suicide thoughts ? Is it just my anxiety I suffer from going into hyper drive. I don’t want to die but I think about it and freaks me out. I just want to be normal and think right again. I cried today for the first time in ages which makes me feel good but I just want to be the old me

[Sophie_M]

Hey Confused mind,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. We are so glad you have reached out here tonight and shared what you are going through. This isn't always easy to do so and we are proud of you for taking this brave step. We are so sorry to hear you are struggling with intrusive thoughts and anxiety. It also sounds like you are coping with a few major things like the loss of your child, being forced into retirement and having to spend a number of months abroad. Any of these events would be challenging on its own and then to have it all happen in a course of a year is extremely stressful. It is understandable why you are feeling the way you are. Please know that you are in a safe, non-judgmental space and we hope you will find the support you need here from our wonderful community members.

Have you mentioned what you are experiencing with your GP or a mental health professional? It can be a massive relief to talk to a professional and get help when we are trying to cope with so much.

We also encourage you to contact our Support Service anytime 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  to chat with a caring, friendly counselor who can give you the support you need.

There are also resources on anxiety available on our website that you can look through here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety

We hope you will keep updating us here, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Confusedmind, and a warm welcome.

Can I also add to Sophie_M about if you are suffering from anxiety, and I'm terribly sorry for you, that's it's possible these 'intrusive thoughts' you're having can come and go, sometimes your reaction will differ from extreme to mild, and I'm not a qualified doctor to mention this but have had the experience myself, and can I say how deeply sorrow we feel for you losing your child, such an awful time for you.

'The old me' maybe would be something we all wished for, and sometimes that's possible, while other times circumstances change and indeed do our relationships and prevent this from happening, that's when we need help to correct our direction and be able to talk about this with those who are trained.

I can't talk for everyone, but these thoughts often occur to many people, too afraid to mention them unless it's to a psychologist or their doctor.

Anxiety can be that strong it controls how you think and because of this, it does frighten the living daylights out of you and hope that you can keep talking with us as well as the links that have been provided.

Take care.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. My 2c ...

The things you have experienced this year I would consider as being really stressful events - dealing with covid is one thing, but the loss of your child, loss of job, financial issues (?) would feel like getting one blow after another. I would feel angry, hurt, and a whole bunch of other emotions in your position.

It takes courage to write a post like you have. Is there anyone you could speak to about these thoughts? Family? GP?

There are other threads and things I could point you to here on the forums. Right now now I want you to know that I am listening.

Peace to you, Tim

[Truc]

Hi Confused mind,


[ ] I think in covid times now, everything is a bit harder for everyone to get used to it, especially for people who do not want to stay home most of the time, some people lost their jobs because their company in short of money or some companies can not handle it anymore, to me, I think it is okay, as long as I can have enough money in one to 2 months, I think it is good enough to take a smaller step to find out what I am good at, and spend those time to ask for a job at other places, because if we do something which we are good at usually save more time and it is also easier for us to get a job, even if I dont have enough money, I can ask for support, I am a foreigner, but I feel like Australia has a supportive government, may be the support does not match our comforts in the mean time, but I think temporarily those supports are good enough for us to sustain to find a job before we totally get back on our feet. Furthermore, I dont know how old you are, I am sorry if I take a wrong example in here, sometimes to me retirement is just a term which does not mean we should stop working, there are many people still working over 66 regardless of their retirement age such as a famous actor Morgan Freeman, I think they did not work for money anymore, but they work for contributions, the joy, for people who love and rely on them. Dont get me wrong that money is not important, but I think it is not all for an equation.I dont know about your case, but to me I promised with my family about something and I haven't fulfilled it so I can not just die yet, maybe you can ask yourself the question that did I promise anything I haven't done or did anyone who I should be responsible in term of work or relation that I have to support, anyones you wanna meet again for a long timr ...etc maybe those questions can help you out to make you think straight and feel motivated I hope.