Too much pain

[yggdrasil]

Hi just a heads up first that I am safe and in control so no need to worry there. I just wanted to post here because things are really bad for me right now. I have attempted suicide twice over the last 10 years, with both attemps resulting in psych hospital stays. Over the last six months my life has fallen apart again and I'm just finding the pain unbearable. I lost my former step father to suicide last week, and am worried about my half siblings. I've also had a recent breakup and problems with my PhD. I've been able to cope better with the challenges of the last year better than in the past, in that I haven't attempted suicide and do not want to, but the pain has just been so relentless that I often wish I could end my life just to escape it. I just had a chat with my psych and now feel past the worst of it that made me start typing this post a few hours ago, but the pain remains. I'm going skating now as I find that usually helps a bit. I just have to find the strength to stand up and get out of the car. Thanks for reading and I hope you're all managing ok yourselves.

[Sophie_M]

Hi yggdrasil,

Thank you for sharing a brief glimpse into your mental health journey with us here today. It sounds like you are safe and taking proactive steps to lift your mood by going skating soon. That's great!

As you mention that you often wish you "could end my life" we wanted to reach out with some additional supports. As you know the peer support offered on these forums, while often quick, is not immediate. If you do need more immediate suppport please don't hesitate to call the mental health professionals at our support service any time day or night on 1300 22 4636. You may also like to reach out to our firends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suidcide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If ever you feel like you are in danger of harming yourself, or others, please recognise it is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately.

Once again thank you for sharing this with us. We're sorry to hear life has thrown you so many curveballs recently. We hope you find the support offered by our welcoming, non-judgmental community members here, all of whom have personal experiences with mental health, helpful.

In the meantime, please don't hestiate to reach out for additional support if you need it and happy skating!

 

[therising]

Hi yggdrasil

I wish I could lead you to fully realise how truly amazing you are, how incredibly strong you are. To be coping not only with life changing challenges but also with the challenges that come with depression, is what leads me to see you as someone who is truly amazing. Myself, I still can't believe how I tolerated depression for about15 years of my life. I still find it hard to believe I made it out alive.

Personally, I've found 3 words that have made some difference to me when it comes to navigating the way forward and how I see myself and they are 'Under the circumstances'. You mention how much better you are coping, despite the pain you face, in comparison to how you would have coped some time ago. You could say, under the circumstances, you have found more strength than what you once believed you possessed. It's so hard to recognise the true extent of our strength when we're exhausted. We typically don't feel strength when all we feel is exhaustion. To step foot out of the car to go skating, while in a state of pure pain and exhaustion is nothing short of incredible. In such incredible actions there is great strength and determination, especially under the circumstances (including the chemistry than can play out in depression).

In a depressing battle to find the best in our self, our most natural self who can cope with just about anything, exhaustion comes with the challenge. I believe it is so important to keep in mind that like with any warrior, we would say he or she has been weakened through the exhaustion yet they are not weak by any means. There is a difference. If the battle remains about discovering the best in our self, our incredible strengths and ability to grow beyond who we used to be, beyond our once self imposed limitations, it remains a battle worth winning. Sometimes, when all we seek is peace (freedom from exhaustion and pain), the temptation is there to end the fight. In recalling my years in depression, I would have to say the most torturous aspect of all involved not knowing when or even if the battle in/with depression would naturally come to and end. All I can say is I'm glad I found the strength to keep fighting.

I'm hoping the skating offers you some freedom, respite from the pain. I hope it raises you to feel a sense of peace and joy in your self, the self that deserves a break in the battle.

🙂

[bettertomorrows]

Hi yggdrasil,

I hope you're well and I'm sorry that things have been really rough for you right now. With what has been going on for you, the pain that you feel now is incredibly valid. I also just want to acknowledge how strong you are. I'm glad that your talk with your psych went well and I hope that you're feeling a little better now. From what you've shared, I can see how you're so concerned about the well-being of others in spite of everything that you're feeling, and I want to thank you and acknowledge that 🙂

I'm not sure how I can offer comfort in the pain. Pain is a very strange thing and sometimes it just demands to be felt by us, it can be relentless and come in waves again and again, or it can sometimes spring a surprise on us out of the blue. My counsellor has told me that sometimes the pain and how we feel seems like it will never end and that's why our brain looks for ways to problem-solve. But even then sometimes our brain might not be accurate and provide "solutions" that are very permanent which is why we might think of ending our lives to end the pain. However, if we are able to stick around, we might find the moments in life where the pain is worthwhile, we may find people who make life worthwhile, and we may find ourselves and what makes our hearts a little lighter. While the pain may not necessarily go away, or it may take a long time for the pain to go away and to feel ourselves again, I want to share that it does get better.

I hope that in spite of the pain that remains for you, you may continue to find the joy of each day and the joy that makes your heart feel a little lighter and easier. You are so worth it. Take care yggdrasil.

Boo

[yggdrasil]

Thank you so much for your replies. I'm still having ok days, then extremely painful days. Skating is the most helpful thing. I've also started some new work which is helping a bit. Today is very bad again. My mind just feels all foggy and it's hard to see the future getting any better. Hopefully it will though if I just persevere. I want to lose a little weight but I'm also eating icecream fairly often etc. Man my brain is just a fog and I can't keep it all together.

[bettertomorrows]

Hi yggdrasil,

Thanks for checking in! I hope today is going alright for you. I'm so so glad that skating is helping you and that work is going well too. What you've said is really comforting for me too, that even on extremely painful days, if we persevere through there's that chance that things will get better. I've got this analogy I'd like to share - I'm not sure if you relate to this while skating, but when I run, I sometimes just keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing/panting and pushing through the pain, and suddenly I realise how far I've come since the start. Sometimes I think that's the way life goes too - when it's difficult to see the future getting any better, it's difficult, but it will.

Take care yggdrasil 🙂

Boo

[yggdrasil]

Yes I definitely relate to that! My brain tells me "things will never change" but they have changed a lot and I'm definitely on an upward trajectory now! Got pretty down yesterday but I chatted to a friend for an hour or so and that got me through it 🙂 . Thanks heaps for your message and keep running!

[yggdrasil]

Had another really bad day today. Just feeling so, so bad. I wen't skating and that helped while I was doing it, but at all other times the emotional load just feels unbearable. I can't formulate complex thoughts or ideas, it's like my brain is just broken. I feel like I've been hit in the head with a bat then thrown in a river and am drowning. I try to do CBT but it doesn't help much. I know the negative thoughts are largely irrational but it's all just so overwhelming. I just feel so hopeless when I get to this state. My new work as a support worker is going really well - all the families I'm working with give me great feedback. When I'm working my brain tends to switch on as it should and I can think appropriately. I just wish the pain would stop during the other times. I just wish I could feel more normal again. Maybe I have too much free time after going on leave from PhD. I try to stay busy with new jobs and hobbies etc. Maybe I should take on more support worker jobs.

[therising]

Hi yggdrasil

I've found that while being a sensitive person, very in touch with the physical feelings that come with my sense of joy, positive excitement etc, there's also a challenging side. When we're a very 'feeling' or sensitive person, we'll also feel the pain. Disappointment, grief and so on can feel almost physically debilitating. While being sensitive enough to feel emotion in our body, as a natural gift in life, it can also definitely feel like a curse at times.

I find, sometimes the feelings/emotions are so strong that they can override my rational thinking. Strong enough, they can override all thinking. Might sound a bit weird but when I'm completely focused on my physical emotion, nothing else has a chance to enter my head. Lately, I've had more and more challenges entering into my life. Nothing enormous, just a heck of a lot of little challenges and not a lot of time to give to each one, it seems. When I start focusing on my list, off I go, 'Ooh, my breathing's changing, I can feel my heart racing. What's my breathing doing now?! I'm starting to get butterflies...' and on I go, fully focused on all the physical hyperactivity that stemmed from the hyperactivity in my brain. Then, a little inspiration kicks in, 'Stop it, you're getting yourself worked up! You need to calm down. Just breath. Exhaust. Focus on that out breath. Exhaust woman!!! Get rid of that excess energy'. It's weird. It's like I can feel the energy of my thoughts manifesting in my body. Perhaps grief is the same to some degree. We can feel the grief in our thoughts; that lump in the throat, the ache in our heart and so on. Yes, sensitivity can definitely feel like a curse at times. Perhaps that lump in the throat needs a scream or a long sob to clear it. Perhaps the broken heart needs a soulful experience to help heal it, like skating. May sound a little romantic but the heart comes to feel what heals it. To glide effortlessly through the love of skating or bring support and compassion to those who long for it, I imagine your heart feels these experiences, if only for moments at a time.

🙂

[yggdrasil]

Thank you for the kind words! Yes I don't like to think of myself as sensitive but I suppose it's true. This morning my mind and thoughts have gotten away from me and it is physically debilitating like you say. I'm getting better slowly but I'm still gutted and shattered about how much has fallen down around me and I don't know how to feel ok when I'm not distracting myself completely from stuff. Thanks for your kind words though 🙂