i think after a while, ive come to the conclusion that despite wanting to die and honestly praying for it every moment, even fantasising about possibilities about me dying, ive accepted that i cant die. like, i just cant. i feel like im not allowed to because the world tells me not to and i think the strongest factor is my mum. i dont want to make her sad. like i know that once im dead then theres nothing i can do about her emotions and how she copes with it but i love her too much to put her in such pain because i know she loves me but i think its ironic how im living to please someone, like it feels wrong but this point, thats literally the only reason why im not going to kill myself. that doesnt mean im not suicidal though and i think thats very evident but despite being in this mental state im going to live. killing myself has become not an option for me anymore (although i think about it everyday). but because ive accepted this reality of having to exist despite not wanting to, i dont know what im supposed to do now. like theoretically, i should be going to uni and meet a guy, fall in love and graduate from uni and get job and so on but thats things that i never imagined and plus, i dont want to live in that first place so i feel like its wrong to keep using my parents money to 'live' because it honestly feels wasteful but at the same time, what else am i going to do. humans either live or die and death isnt an option for me anymore because 'im young' and 'have so much to live for' so yeah. i feel like im kinda stuck in the conundrum where i want so desperately can not be attained so im doing something else but because i dont find any pleasure in this option, i feel like i will never be fully happy with my life and i will continue to have a war in brain about living and praying that i die soon, whether by some sort of accident, someone killing me and i fall ill.
