Dear Rubyshelly1~
Trying to deal with the things that have happened to you when you were younger is terribly difficult and you can be overwhemed by nightmares and the feeling nothing will get better. For different sorts of trauma I felt the same way -trapped in an endless repetition of nightmares and waking thoughts about the past -coupled with a very strong feeling I was at fault and worthless.
I can only say what has helped me regain a measure of self regard and reduced the frequency and strength of nightmares and thoughts so things are pretty livable now and I'm enjoying life.
I did seek medical help, wiht first a GP who referred my to a psychiatrist and I was wiht him for a very long time, and despite falling back and being hospital I've found that help to have made a huge difference.
Mind you during that time I was trialed on all sorts of medications until I arrived at a combination that suits me, does the job and has no adverse side effects (sounds like a dream don't it)
Talking face to face with a stranger - or even a therapist you are used to - is a problem. My way around this has been to take two or three days to write everything down briefly in point form -about how I felt and what was happening to me. The therapist has been glad to get this, it gives him something to work from, and I'm pretty sure I've included everything -including the frightening and embarrassing matters I might not have the courage to voice.
The middle of the night after a nightmare, which may seem to still be partly with you after you are awake. I try a two way approach, first I use Smiling Mind (a free phone app) to get my mind away and calm me,
Smiling Mind does take practice, no two ways about it, but it is worth the effort as it actually works when you can use it properly. It is not difficult, just requires to keep trying.
Then I pick up a per-prepared activity I am pretty sure will take advantage of that calm state and give me enjoyment or at least distraction.
You get to choose the activities from your own knowledge of yourself , or from that of someone that knows you well. Do you have anyone in your life like that who cares about you?
You are not at the end of the road, I was a suicidal mess and I'm out of sight better (much more than I would have believed) so I would be surprised if you cannot do the same.
You know you are welcome to talk here anytime.
Croix
