Feeling like you don't belong

[Phebes]

I just need to get this out of my system.

I constantly feel like I don't belong anywhere. My older sisters look at me like I'm a complete weirdo because I'm so different to them, my little sister knows exactly how to get under my skin and my older brother is the only one who is nice to me. They think I'm weird because I watch anime, and hate dresses and skirts, don't like going out, am on my computer all the time, stay up till 3 in the morning drawing, am 'music-obsessed'... I'm also pansexual and they don't know that, but it just feels like I'm so alone.

My older brother also watches anime and is an introvert so he kinda gets me, but it means I'm constantly anxious about disappointing him. At school I never get angry or sad, I hide it because none of my friends expect to see negativity from the 'bubbly and positive friend.' My smile shakes sometimes and I always keep laughing even when it's not funny, and at home I'm the opposite. The bottom room is my haven away from the world where I can play piano and violin, get lost in books and fanfiction, write for hours, do art to my heart's content... And my parents are worried because I yell at them to get out when I'm in the middle of something.

It feels constantly like everyone has high expectations of me when I'm in the A-team for netball, when really I'm the worst in my team as everyone else is consistently playing amazingly while I play defense and just stay on my player, don't make any flashy intercepts.

The night is the only time when I can take a break from everything and just watch youtube or anime...

And at school I'm supposed to be 'smart' and 'talented.' I'm a procrastinator and average 70s-80s when I expect 90s and beat myself up about it. Whenever I do something wrong I self-harm, but I can't relate to SH on other harms because it feels like it's not serious.

I'm in the first year of high school and haven't got a lot of friends.. One is constantly hitting me hard as a joke but it really hurts and I can't say anything because it would be a buzzkill. Her other friend does it too. Another friend is a complete brainiac who is modest and gets 90s and is annoying but everyone else feels sorry for her because she used to get bullied. Another is really talented at art, the other music, and it feels like I can never be the best at anything. That's all I want just one thing, and now I'm running out of space and don't even know how this works.

Thanks.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Phebes,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, 

It's great to have you join us here and we're very glad that you've felt comfortable sharing your experiences and story with our community. It sounds as though life is very overwhelming at the moment and we hear you feel quite isolated at home and at school, as though no one quite relates to your interests and experiences. This must be very disheartening. Please know that things do get better, as time goes on (and you still have plenty of time!) you'll figure out what you're passionate about and meet people who share your interests too. We know that this might not be the most helpful advice at the moment though. Hopefully, our community can share more about their own experiences and what has worked for them.

We're concerned to hear that you've self-harmed. We're sending an email to you privately to check in with your well-being. 

If you need to chat at any time, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. 

Please do share more with us Phebes, we'd love to hear more about what's on your mind. 
 

[Croix]

Dear Phebes~

Welcome.

For someone who does not know how this works you did fine, you give a clear and full account of your life and the hassles you face, you are also honest about it and in some ways have a good grasp of what is happening.

That's not all there is to it though. I guess it comes down to expectations - yours. You do not see the worth of someone who can play the violin and piano, draw, live music in your hear and head and is discovering who they are sexually. Someone who "stays on her player" without being flashy, and navigates in a family that does not have enough in common with you to understand.

You expect more.

That ends up in feelings that lead to coping as best you can, self-harm being one, retreating to the haven, the bottom room, where you can be you be yourself another and better one.

Wanting to be the 'best' at something is natural, but I found it unrealistic, I'm happier being all-round, with interests and abilities that are satisfying in themselves. Being best seems to me nowadays to be a precarious place, always with the possibility of being overtaken.

Wearing a face for others, that sort of works. It's something I still do to some extent. It smooths social interaction, get rid of awkward questions and situations -no 'buzzkillers'. Not all good though.

The more I had to hide myself the more I became convinced there was something about me that was wrong, and needed to be hidden. I also felt more and more alone, no one saw me and my hassles. As there was no real point of contact with others my idea of what they were thinking always seems to head for the worst alternatives.

Sophie_M's greeting and suggestion of the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) was pretty good. Then again she always gives good advice.

I'm glad your older brother can relate - at least in part. Can you talk to him about your problems and feelings? Can he talk to you about his?

My problems came in part due to an anxiety condition, and by myself I could not make my life happier and more even, not give myself perspective. Medical assistance - over time - did help me improve until I'm unrecognizable nowadays. May I ask if you have considered seeing a GP and setting out how you feel not forgetting the self harm?

Life can be better, as I found.

I hope you would like to talk some more

Croix